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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Help me find the best answer to “Cheer up, love”?

165 replies

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 16:51

I live near a really beautiful park. A few times a week in nice weather I walk 5yo dd to school through it, pushing toddler dd2 in the pram, and then walk home (about 1.3 miles each way). It used to be a highlight of my day.

A group of 6-10ish dog walkers, in approx their sixties, gather around a bench on the only path through everyday at about the time i head home. One of them is a loud man who is always holding court and giving his opinion, or bellowing hello to people half way across the park. I never really paid attention and don’t really care what other people do, but he is loud enough i was aware of him.

About last June, i walked through this group (no other paths and a steep slope beside that i can’t push the pram on) and he said loudly “Cheer up, love.” I said “i’m sorry?” He repeated “Cheer up” and added something about how miserable I looked. I snapped that that was a ridiculous thing to say to a total stranger, that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and that I wouldn’t “cheer up” just because he had told me to. My life was nothing to do with him. (As it happens i wasn’t uncheerful, I was just pushing a heavy baby up a steep slope and i’m out of shape, none of which was any of his business).

Unpleasant, but i thought that was the end of it. But ever since, every time I walk home they go silent and stare at me from quite a distance as I approach, whisper to each other whilst staring at me, occasionally call things out to each other about me (“oh it’s her, you’d better mind out” etc) and the loud man always shouts over-exaggerated “good morning” or “feeling cheerful today, are we?” That make all his friends laugh.” As none of them socially distance or wear masks, i often have to do a wide semi-circle around them (wide to keep the pram from overbalancing on the slope) and they often call out patronising advice whilst i do it, whilst making no effort to stand back from the path. I know it sounds innocuous and like i’m imagining this but i assure you in real life it’s really obvious, and quite upsetting. These are a mixed group, mainly women, all in their sixties-ish at 9am and i feel as intimidated as i would faced with teenagers in hoodies on a dark night. I hate the walk i previously loved.

Can anyone suggest anything i could say that would stop it? I am not really shy but i get anxious and any scenario i can imagine (including threatening to inform the police which has flitted across my mind) just leads to more harassment because they would just say innocently that they had done nothing wrong, which technically they haven’t. I just want to be left alone. I don’t know these people, i don’t want to stop them doing what they want to do, i just want to walk through the park in peace and quiet. I am not sorry i called him out on what he originally said, but i wish i’d known that it would lead to a situation where the schools closing actually semi-improved my day for selfish reasons. I will resume walking from this Thursday and would like to go with a few rehearsed responses in my pocket (to cut down the chance i’ll just cry. Again.)

OP posts:
Chimoia · 09/03/2021 17:33

Stop look at him. Say 'you are bullying me, please stop.' Look at the women and say 'why do you stand by and let him intimidate me? It's very unkind.' I expect to be left alone next time I pass you otherwise we will be having this conversation again and it will get very boring.'

MoreJammyDodgersPlease · 09/03/2021 17:34

Surprise them by smiling and laughing at them. Tell your toddler "Oh we've got to get past the silly grumpy people who're blocking the path again."

Xpectations · 09/03/2021 17:34

I’d ask him if his sleazy social skills is why he has no meaningful relationships with women (don’t say it as a pointed remark, sound like you’re genuinely questioning).

I’d tell him the bushes where flashers hide is that way (you have to make it sound like he’s confused and you’re helping him out).

Make sure you use ‘love’ or some other patronising endearment.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 17:35

Thank you all, there are some really good suggestions here (not that i’m brave enough for some of them, but they’re nice to imagine Grin)

Mostly, thank you all for not saying I was being ridiculous - i have often thought over the past year that i should just not let it get to me but it really does and it’s so nice to hear someone else say it genuinely is upsetting, not just me being a delicate flower.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2021 17:36

Just wear a mask and sunglasses so 90% of your face is covered and walk past.

Honestly though, I'm not usually a grass but I'd report them. For gathering. Serves them right.

Akire · 09/03/2021 17:36

It’s not silly it’s sort low level harassment that’s normal and can make daily walk a thing to dread.

everythingthelighttouches · 09/03/2021 17:41

I’m so sorry OP, this would really intimidate me and make me anxious too. It’s very upsetting that a bunch of older people should be doing this.

“Excuse me” so they move aside.

“Please can you leave me alone” if any comments followed by
“Age isn't an excuse to be rude!“ ( which is what Evil Onion said upthread ) if they comment further.

Followed by taking a photo of them, perhaps the next time (I wouldn’t say anything before, during or after completing this action).
I think the photo taking itself would be enough to worry them.

To be honest with you, I’d be sorely tempted to being someone with me for this.

Good luck.Flowers

trappedsincesundaymorn · 09/03/2021 17:41

I'd say very loudly

"have you always been a git or is it because your a sad old man, with nothing better to do ?"

Lochmorlich · 09/03/2021 17:42

Wear headphones and act like you haven't seen them.

DaisiesandButtercups · 09/03/2021 17:46

OP I am so sorry that you are being subjected to this power play by a bunch of misogynistic bullies. Flowers

I enjoyed reading some of the suggestions but I think that ignoring them and I mean actually not hearing them, wearing earphones and listening to something distracting maybe, is the only workable option short of perhaps filming their behaviour daily for evidence. The filming might put you at risk however if it makes them angry.

They are essentially real life trolls and not engaging, not giving them a reaction will probably lead to them ignoring you. They are trying to prove that they have some sort of emotional power over you and trying to force you to interact with them, because of that I don’t think that there is anything that you can say to them that they wouldn’t view as a win for them.

PotholeParadies · 09/03/2021 17:50

What you really need is a friend to come up behind them when they're doing it (pretending that she hasn't met you before and she's just a civic minded passer-by) and say very loudly, "who put a penny in the dickhead?"

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 17:57

@DaisiesandButtercups I think that this is the crux of it - no matter what cutting remarks i have come up with in the privacy of my head (l’espirit de l’esaclier) i think they would just view my engaging as a win.

I’ve been not engaging for half a year however, and they were still going strong before Christmas. Ah well, perhaps they have all turned over new leaves and this term will be, literally, a walk in the park.

OP posts:
RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 17:58

@PotholeParadies

What you really need is a friend to come up behind them when they're doing it (pretending that she hasn't met you before and she's just a civic minded passer-by) and say very loudly, "who put a penny in the dickhead?"
God, just thinking this sentence will keep me warm on cold winter nights. Thank you Grin
OP posts:
Oversize · 09/03/2021 17:58

Whereabouts are you OP? I'll happy come and solve your problem as Pothole suggests if you're near me.

Fucket · 09/03/2021 18:00

The problem is OP you showed them you were bothered by reacting to them in the first place. So now they know that every time you walk by they can get a reaction even you don’t show it.

I don’t know what to suggest but when I encounter groups of people that are blocking the way. I try to maintain a good stride, eye contact and a look that says i will not be moving out of the way. If someone doesn’t see me, I normally say very loudly but politely, “excuse me please,” then follow up with a “thank you.”

If someone started to take the piss out of me and I was fairly confident they weren’t likely to physically react I would normal tell them to fuck off and insult them in some sarcastic way.

I think the only thing you can do now is ignore them, and hope they get bored.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2021 18:02

Take put your phone, point it at them, and record them.

Take a quick glance at the phone, put it in your pocket, and walk away, all in total silence.

Do this every single day.

When you have a good deal of footage, post it on a local FB page.

Skythrill · 09/03/2021 18:10

This reply has been deleted

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muddyford · 09/03/2021 18:19

I support the recording the morons on your 'phone. I do that when I'm out with my dogs and uncontrolled or aggressive dogs pile in. Amazing how the owners grab their dogs and back off. I actually yelled at one retreating back to keep checking the local FB page to see themselves in glorious Technicolour.

mcmooberry · 09/03/2021 18:20

They sound awful but I would probably advise just saying a generic "Good Morning" to the group as you pass and totally ignore any other comments about being cheerful.
I don't blame you for tackling him about the "Cheer up" in the first place, it is unbelievably annoying.

VortexofBloggery · 09/03/2021 18:21

Headphones, turned up loud. Angry dog if you have one.

Sorry you are being harassed by a bunch of fuckwits. I thought your first response was good too. Stay sane!

TrojaninTroy · 09/03/2021 18:23

I find this works wonders:

"Actually I just found out today that my Mum has terminal cancer. And then last week my brother went missing when his plane went down in Brazil. To cap it all, I found out this morning that I've lost my job."

Theunamedcat · 09/03/2021 18:26

Do you belong to a harassment club?

Have you always been a bit thick or did you take a night class?

DaisiesandButtercups · 09/03/2021 18:28

Given the repeated nature of the behaviour over such a long time with no engagement on your part you might consider talking to the school and the police. They could well be causing intimidation and distress to others too, the school might want to warn other parents about the anti social behaviour of this group.

If you put your phone on audio record in your pram/pushchair you won’t be at risk of escalating their hostility. If you do decide it is safe to hold your phone up to film their behaviour I agree with mathanxiety say nothing and try not to be confrontational about it, filming them really runs the risk of escalating things though in my opinion.

Regarding unwanted interaction from stalkers I believe the advice is not to engage at all even to ask the stalker to leave you alone. Any engagement is viewed as an invitation for more interaction from the stalker.

Keeping a written log of dates and times and what they say or do, how many are there, any names that you know will be helpful if you decide to go to the police.

airsealengineer · 09/03/2021 18:31

Squirt them all with a water bottle in the you might do to get rid of a barking dog.

YesPleaseMary · 09/03/2021 18:36

“Cheer up love!”
“Oh I will WHEN YOU’RE DEAD”
Said quietly, about a foot away from his face.