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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Help me find the best answer to “Cheer up, love”?

165 replies

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 16:51

I live near a really beautiful park. A few times a week in nice weather I walk 5yo dd to school through it, pushing toddler dd2 in the pram, and then walk home (about 1.3 miles each way). It used to be a highlight of my day.

A group of 6-10ish dog walkers, in approx their sixties, gather around a bench on the only path through everyday at about the time i head home. One of them is a loud man who is always holding court and giving his opinion, or bellowing hello to people half way across the park. I never really paid attention and don’t really care what other people do, but he is loud enough i was aware of him.

About last June, i walked through this group (no other paths and a steep slope beside that i can’t push the pram on) and he said loudly “Cheer up, love.” I said “i’m sorry?” He repeated “Cheer up” and added something about how miserable I looked. I snapped that that was a ridiculous thing to say to a total stranger, that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and that I wouldn’t “cheer up” just because he had told me to. My life was nothing to do with him. (As it happens i wasn’t uncheerful, I was just pushing a heavy baby up a steep slope and i’m out of shape, none of which was any of his business).

Unpleasant, but i thought that was the end of it. But ever since, every time I walk home they go silent and stare at me from quite a distance as I approach, whisper to each other whilst staring at me, occasionally call things out to each other about me (“oh it’s her, you’d better mind out” etc) and the loud man always shouts over-exaggerated “good morning” or “feeling cheerful today, are we?” That make all his friends laugh.” As none of them socially distance or wear masks, i often have to do a wide semi-circle around them (wide to keep the pram from overbalancing on the slope) and they often call out patronising advice whilst i do it, whilst making no effort to stand back from the path. I know it sounds innocuous and like i’m imagining this but i assure you in real life it’s really obvious, and quite upsetting. These are a mixed group, mainly women, all in their sixties-ish at 9am and i feel as intimidated as i would faced with teenagers in hoodies on a dark night. I hate the walk i previously loved.

Can anyone suggest anything i could say that would stop it? I am not really shy but i get anxious and any scenario i can imagine (including threatening to inform the police which has flitted across my mind) just leads to more harassment because they would just say innocently that they had done nothing wrong, which technically they haven’t. I just want to be left alone. I don’t know these people, i don’t want to stop them doing what they want to do, i just want to walk through the park in peace and quiet. I am not sorry i called him out on what he originally said, but i wish i’d known that it would lead to a situation where the schools closing actually semi-improved my day for selfish reasons. I will resume walking from this Thursday and would like to go with a few rehearsed responses in my pocket (to cut down the chance i’ll just cry. Again.)

OP posts:
PotholeParadies · 09/03/2021 16:54

It doesn't sound innocuous at all.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 09/03/2021 16:56

Honestly, I would confront them and say, "Can you leave me alone, please?" or, more forcefully, "I want you to leave me alone. Stop making comments at me."

That should be all that needs saying. Sometimes those who go along with the joke don't realise that it's really causing upset and making your boundary clear should make it clear even to the most stupid that you don't want this attention. You shouldn't have to set the boundary but some people are tiresome idiots and need to be told.

Branleuse · 09/03/2021 16:58

Tell them theyd look prettier if they smiled

EvilOnion · 09/03/2021 16:58

"I'll be all the more cheery when I can walk in peace"

Don't walk around them, say excuse me and wait for them to let you pass.

If they call out to you again or try to intimidate you point out that you are an adult. You will not be intimidated by a group of delinquents trying to relive their playground days. Age isn't an excuse to be rude!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/03/2021 16:58

I find "Bloody shan't" to be surprisingly effective at shutting these doors up.

ChoccyJules · 09/03/2021 16:59

I would be minded to give the Covid police a bell regarding groups meeting up...

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/03/2021 16:59

Autocorrect very unhelpfully changed DOLTS there 🙄

Akire · 09/03/2021 17:00

He wouldn’t say it to a bloke that was passing no matter how miserable they looked. Can you get someone to walk with you then when you approach say to friend. Come on now Marge put on your best happy face we must smile at Everyman we met after all that’s our only purpose in life. stupid smiles on face strut past

katmarie · 09/03/2021 17:00

"I'll cheer up when you fuck off?"

DoorbellsSleighbellsSchnitzel · 09/03/2021 17:01

"Will you just fuck off and leave me alone, you bullying, self aggrandising twats" ought to cover it?

I'm sorry you're having to put up with that kind of behaviour from so-called adults. It's bloody awful.

Nimora · 09/03/2021 17:01

Honestly, I would confront them and say, "Can you leave me alone, please?" or, more forcefully, "I want you to leave me alone. Stop making comments at me."

Yeah, this. And also "You wouldn't say those things if I was a man."

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 09/03/2021 17:01

God, thats awful. Good on you for speaking up originally but bloody horrible that they're still doing this. Its harassment and nothing less. I wonder if they're harassing other people too. I'm not sure what the answer is.
It's difficult to advise on whether to say something though because you don't know how they'd react and if it would make it worse.
I think you would be justified in asking the police for advice.

NovemberR · 09/03/2021 17:03

Film them.

Get your phone out and stand there, obviously videoing. When they ask what you are doing say You are constantly harassing me and I find you intimidating as a gang of bullies. In addition you are breaking Covid laws and I am intending to pass this onto the police if you do not leave me alone.

I'd hope at least that some of them went home shitting themselves with what I was going to do.

Merename · 09/03/2021 17:04

I’m not sure there is much you can do to change people who’s view is that a woman’s job is to walk around looking cheery for men. But I think looking him in the eye and stating your boundaries calmly is the best you can do, like Soren’s response. Or ‘I feel really uncomfortable when you’re shouting things to me. Like when I previously felt uncomfortable at being told to cheer up by a stranger. I deserve to be free to walk in peace. Please stop.’ Not saying I’d find this easy! How unpleasant for you.

lazylinguist · 09/03/2021 17:04

I think if I were you I'd be having a loud conversation with your baby along the lines of "Listen to the silly, rude, annoying people, darling. You'd think grown-, ups would know better, wouldn't you? That man clearly really loves the sound of his own voice, doesn't he? Only very stupid, ignorant people hassle complete strangers!"

NuniaBeeswax · 09/03/2021 17:05

"Fuck off" maybe?

notyourhandmaid · 09/03/2021 17:05

It doesn't sound innocuous, it sounds intimidating and upsetting. Gin

They should move out of the way if you are pushing a pram. Ask politely and wait for them to make the space. Please remember that you are in the right here and they are behaving childishly and aggressively.

TyneTeas · 09/03/2021 17:08

This on being commanded to smile is pretty funny. It may not help you respond to them but you may enjoy it Grin Flowers

youtu.be/2TmscdapDHg

Anotheruser02 · 09/03/2021 17:09

Filming them is a good idea. Well done for sticking up for yourself the first time.

Liquorishtoffee · 09/03/2021 17:10

I was meeting a friend and I saw her coming along and got a ‘cheer up’ or ‘smile love’. She turned around in her best school ma’am ‘I’m sorry what was that? No you said something, what do you want? Can you please repeat? Have we met...’ I suppose you have to be very confident!

A sad one - a git said to me ‘smile, it may never happen’, me ‘I’ve just been organising my mums funeral’ (which was true). Oddly enough the very same thing happened (different idiot) to 2 of my sisters who were sitting outside mums house in the garden (same day, after the same organisation meeting).

So just why were 3 sisters looking so bloody miserable? I can’t imagine...

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 09/03/2021 17:14

I'd do something suited to their level, something childish to show that they aren't worth being taken seriously, like pulling my tongue out at them, or showing my arse (not bare, but lifting my coat up), or that thjng where you stick 2 fingers up whilst pretending to scratch your face, or where you wind your middle finger up

LilacsFreesias · 09/03/2021 17:23

Some good suggestions. You could ask them to please stop harassing you and your children and hope this shames them into stopping.
Not quite the same but I remember standing on a traffic island waiting to cross. A van of men slowed down as if letting me cross so I stepped forward and they sped up and laughed. It stuck in my mind as I was crossing the road to go the funeral directors as my husband had died. You never know what a stranger is going through and even if they aren't going through anything I do wish women could be allowed to go about their business without being harassed

PotholeParadies · 09/03/2021 17:23

As you can always rely on him shouting out, maybe having a response to him is the key.

Him: "Feeling cheerful today are we?"
You: "no. I'm being harassed again by you, because you can't get over being told to get your nose out of my life last year. Get over it."

Janaih · 09/03/2021 17:32

I like the filming them idea. Cowardly dicks.
Your first response to them was brilliant 👏

Janaih · 09/03/2021 17:33

If you are feeling brave you could should STRANGER DANGER! very loudly Grin

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