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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Help me find the best answer to “Cheer up, love”?

165 replies

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 16:51

I live near a really beautiful park. A few times a week in nice weather I walk 5yo dd to school through it, pushing toddler dd2 in the pram, and then walk home (about 1.3 miles each way). It used to be a highlight of my day.

A group of 6-10ish dog walkers, in approx their sixties, gather around a bench on the only path through everyday at about the time i head home. One of them is a loud man who is always holding court and giving his opinion, or bellowing hello to people half way across the park. I never really paid attention and don’t really care what other people do, but he is loud enough i was aware of him.

About last June, i walked through this group (no other paths and a steep slope beside that i can’t push the pram on) and he said loudly “Cheer up, love.” I said “i’m sorry?” He repeated “Cheer up” and added something about how miserable I looked. I snapped that that was a ridiculous thing to say to a total stranger, that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and that I wouldn’t “cheer up” just because he had told me to. My life was nothing to do with him. (As it happens i wasn’t uncheerful, I was just pushing a heavy baby up a steep slope and i’m out of shape, none of which was any of his business).

Unpleasant, but i thought that was the end of it. But ever since, every time I walk home they go silent and stare at me from quite a distance as I approach, whisper to each other whilst staring at me, occasionally call things out to each other about me (“oh it’s her, you’d better mind out” etc) and the loud man always shouts over-exaggerated “good morning” or “feeling cheerful today, are we?” That make all his friends laugh.” As none of them socially distance or wear masks, i often have to do a wide semi-circle around them (wide to keep the pram from overbalancing on the slope) and they often call out patronising advice whilst i do it, whilst making no effort to stand back from the path. I know it sounds innocuous and like i’m imagining this but i assure you in real life it’s really obvious, and quite upsetting. These are a mixed group, mainly women, all in their sixties-ish at 9am and i feel as intimidated as i would faced with teenagers in hoodies on a dark night. I hate the walk i previously loved.

Can anyone suggest anything i could say that would stop it? I am not really shy but i get anxious and any scenario i can imagine (including threatening to inform the police which has flitted across my mind) just leads to more harassment because they would just say innocently that they had done nothing wrong, which technically they haven’t. I just want to be left alone. I don’t know these people, i don’t want to stop them doing what they want to do, i just want to walk through the park in peace and quiet. I am not sorry i called him out on what he originally said, but i wish i’d known that it would lead to a situation where the schools closing actually semi-improved my day for selfish reasons. I will resume walking from this Thursday and would like to go with a few rehearsed responses in my pocket (to cut down the chance i’ll just cry. Again.)

OP posts:
LApprentiSorcier · 09/03/2021 20:00

They are dog walkers, you say? Join 'borrow my doggy' and borrow an enormous dog. Take it with you when you walk past them and say 'can you give me some space please because my dog is very reactive?' (even if dog is the epitome of calm). They'll be rushing their dogs away and giving you a wide berth.

McDuffy · 09/03/2021 20:14

Vipers on top form tonight Grin
I've reacted twice to similar situations after ignoring it most of the time (resting bitch face Hmm) but it was in hot blood. Once a builder shouted it and i shouted back I'd just been made redundant and thanks for making my day worse and he was mortified and said sorry. The other time my friend had just told me her FIL was dying and a train station guard at the gate told me to smile and I absolutely lost it. I also sent a follow up complaint to the train company.
You say you don't feel brave enough but the adrenaline might win out!

daisyjgrey · 09/03/2021 20:18

I find "fuck off" works well, personally.

Moonface123 · 09/03/2021 20:22

Cough a few times as going past and tell them your on your way to get tested, as your temperature is through the roof.
That should disperse of them.

30PercentRecycled · 09/03/2021 20:25

You give them too much rent free space in your head. At least make them fun tenants.

Make up ridiculous nicknames for each of them. Not just the saddo bully but his harem too. Make up ridiculous scenarios in your head about them. Funny ones. Maybe they are a dogging club. Swingers?

When you see them your instant reaction could be mirth not anxiety. Every twattish comment could add to the storyline for your daylight dogging club fanfic.

goldielockdown2 · 09/03/2021 20:57

I usually say, 'but you haven't done anything to cheer me up/smile, what a daft thing to say!' and laugh at them

VettiyaIruken · 09/03/2021 20:59

You should be embarrassed to be behaving like a schoolyard bully at your age. Everyone I've told about you thinks you're ridiculous.

AdHominemNonSequitur · 09/03/2021 21:12

'smile darling it might never happen' and 'cheer up love' is so passive aggressive and the men who say it are usually miserable bastards who always seem to look like a bulldog that just swallowed a wasp themselves. A self deprecating, not arsed brush off is the best tactic in the moment, something like 'that's just my face' disarms bullies in the moment, but this guy sounds vile and is playing for his audience. So I'd go with something that points out his vulnerability and makes a thing of him performing for his hareem. ' showing off to the girls?, which one is your girlfriend?' sort of comment. Own him OP

Krazynights34 · 09/03/2021 21:16

I’m be a “fuck off” person myself

doodlejump1980 · 09/03/2021 21:26

God I’d be tempted to ask him how he’d feel if you were his daughter being intimidated by people (twats) who should know better. Guilt the buggers. Or learn how to say “oh do fuck off dear” in a different language, and sing it to your child?

RosesAndHellebores · 09/03/2021 21:30

They are bullying you and I'd avoid once I'd contacted leisure and amenities at the town Hall and noted that enjoyment of a public space was being curtailed by the bullying behaviour of a large group of dog walkers who congregated at x time Monday to Friday, and could they please advise how best to deal with this. They might suggest you contact your local police station who could impose a little batch of fines.

ASnowman · 09/03/2021 21:48

Get a t-shirt made up that says 'Only pathetic weirdos shout at strangers for attention' Give him a very loud cheery 'good morning' while wearing it.

powershowerforanhour · 09/03/2021 22:22

How about a coy "I bet you say that to all the boys"?

I have once or twice used a contemptuous "Were you brought up or dragged up?" Or "I bet your parents would be really proud of you" on rude older men like this, which seems to hit a nerve as they like to give off about the silly disrespectful younger generation and it turns it back on them.

Or arrange to walk with a large and scary looking male friend, then when he doesn't say anything stop, act puzzled and ask why he hasn't commented on the shape your face is making like he usually does.

Or stop and say in light conversational tones- "There's something I've been really curious to know. Tell me, when you were a little boy, did you enjoy throwing stones at cats and pulling the wings off flies? You did, didn't you?" When he demurs/denies/acts like you're bonkers just totally ignore what he says and act like he said answered in the affirmative - nod and say "Yes I knew it! I just knew you would be the type of person who enjoyed doing that" and walk off still saying yep, knew it- total wing puller.

BenoneBeauty · 09/03/2021 22:31

That sounds truly horrible Op - I'm sorry you're having to put up with that. I love the witty suggestions on here, however I'm not that high brow and would go for a simple 'fuck off and bully someone else you dickhead'.

Oneearringlost · 09/03/2021 22:40

"Age isn't an excuse to be rude!"
FlowersFlowers
Ooh, I like that, even better.."Being old isn't an excuse to be rude..."
OP, this isn't innocuous, it's threatening and harassing. Downright nasty.
I feel for you.

Oneearringlost · 09/03/2021 22:40

Sorry, flowers in wrong place!

Ohdeariedear · 09/03/2021 22:48

Just imagine yourself saying any be of these suggestions as you pass. That will probably make you giggle and they won’t know what to do with that.

sausagerollcake · 09/03/2021 22:55

"I'm sorry, my partner was killed in a terrible accident at the weekend, I'm sorry I'm not a Merry Widow." Would probably shut them up.

JustAddCoffee91 · 09/03/2021 23:15

"I'll cheer up when I don't have to look at your pathetic excuse for a face and have to listen to you playing the big man in front of your mates"
I'd probably throw a pack of face masks at them too but I wouldn't waste my time/money on a bunch of arseholes like that!
Walk past keep your head held high and fuck the lot of them, you'd think they'd have something better to do than stand there belittling someone!
Urgh, makes my blood boil

BlueSkyBlinking · 09/03/2021 23:33

This is perhaps a bit on the brutal side but I’d be tempted to sigh, en passant, “oh no! You all survived.”

BlueSkyBlinking · 09/03/2021 23:35

Sorry, I know that is poor taste but they do seem to love dark humour!

justilou1 · 09/03/2021 23:49

I'd video him every day for a week with myself saying "I have stated categorically, that I don't want you harassing me. Leave me alone!" And refer to the police. These fuckers just get off on this...

BeastOfBODMAS · 09/03/2021 23:54

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Oneearringlost · 10/03/2021 09:24

"(l’espirit de l’esaclier) "
OP, I know no one that uses that phrase.
It is just the perfect way to sum up that perfect rejoinder that only only comes to you as you have left and are walking, back down the stairs.
Sorry, not helpful for your atrociously behaved park companions, but wanted to express my appreciation of that aphorism

merryhollybright · 10/03/2021 09:38

Some of these reactions are even more childish than what the bloke said in the first place! I hope some of the PPs are just fantasizing and haven't actually used them in real life.
OP either ignore them or be direct. I think the idea of addressing the women is a good one- "why are you allowing this man to harass a woman on her own like this?" If you can try to single them out and address them individually that might help. I'd then address him and just say "You are behaving like a bully. Leave me alone."

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