My daughter has started a relationship with a boy who thinks he is a girl, and my dad is calling herself a lesbian

[MothsAreSadButterflies]

I can't talk to anyone about this . I feel like if I try to talk to my 17 yr daughter I will get schooled on my bigotry.

The transgirl looks and sounds like an 19yr old boy but with long hair, wearing 'girls' clothes.

I put that in quote marks because what does that mean, what are girl clothes? Who cares what people wear, pink is not for girls and blue for boys...hair should not be gendered. Be a boy who is androgynous or feminine ...I don't care. I fought all my life to get equality and to get away from the idea men and women have different minds, or stereotypical clothes or roles...now it seems someone can 'feel' like a girl, I mean what does that mean!? I'm so confused and upset. Saying you ARE a girl and now my daughter thinks and declares you are too and you are lesbians. If she was a lesbian I'm so fine with that. If he was a boy who didn't believe in gender stereotypes and wore make up and dresses I'm fine with that.. it's just this strangeness. They are not lesbians, it's an insult to real lesbians. He has a penis. She could get pregnant. How could two lesbians do that. I'm struggling to get past the idea that the biology is to be ignored.
Saying you are a woman is enough. But for all of our existence women have not been able to access any privilege. Saying we are men still wouldn't privilege us as transmen are not seen as equal to biological men.
And I feel sorry for this transgirl. I feel they must have deep-rooted issues to declare themselves a woman.

But they are not a woman and to say they are lesbians galls me.
It feels like double speak.

Sorry it should say DD is calling herself a lesbian

My dad doesn't know thank god.

They're 17.
It's all the rage.

There's basically no way to be shocking cool and edgy for them because their parents stole tattoos, tongue piercings, goth, grunge, bulemia/anorexia and music festivals.

They'll grow out of it.

Do you think it's just a rebellious thing?

Show her the Magdalen Berns video on youtube where she discusses Alex Drummond -

Its not acceptable to pretend you are Black, I dont see why they think this is ok. 'Lesbian' is a protected characteristic based on sex, and they are appropriating the identity of an oppressed group.

I feel for you, OP. It's sad to see kids embracing the restrictive old stereotypes we were so proud to overthrow. Luckily your DD doesn't seem to be in danger -- whether she turns out to be gay or straight, she's not trying to stop being female.

But her first sexual relationship is so messed up.

I know I should just be glad they seem very besotted with each other but I just feel angry and sad. I'm trying really hard to step back and understand but I feel so much anger on behalf of women.. I'm not explaining myself very well. I sound hateful.

I agree with Gncq there's not much for youths to rebel against these days, it's for shock tactics.
My dd 12 has decided she's bicurious , crack on love, was not the response she was after I think 😂

It's true that this is probably the only thing she could do that would upset us.

That sounds so tough. All I can say is try to be supportive, because the more you fight with her over it the less likely she is to be open about anything when it comes to her relationship with this guy. Ask questions and show an interest, maybe even get to know him better so you can get an idea of his personality too. The last thing you want is for her to completely close off from you, so kill them with kindness in a way. Chances are at 17, this won’t be the person she ends up spending her life with and hopefully it’ll fizzle out at some point.

Oh and you don’t sound hateful. You sound like a concerned mother and I’d be feeling exactly the same I’d imagine.

That bites. You could point out what a woman actually is-adult human female-and explain that only someone with a female's reproductive system can be a woman. Remind her feelings and impressions aren't facts, no matter how strong they are.

I agree that it could be some rebellious phase. Or maybe she just really likes him so will put up with anything.
She's still quite young so you have time to open her eyes.

You don't sound hateful, OP. You sound perfectly rational.

The thing is we are a really talkative open family, so we have had good open discussions around these issues. I listened to her thoughts and explained mine. She was agreeing more with me but then met this person and now discussion is out. She gets angry and defensive as she anticipates these feelings knowing our past chats about it all

I am being pretending to be very liberal and not bothered...it will blow over kind of mindset young love etc. They are still being very secretive and I don't know how far it's gone. She hasn't told her sisters anything.

Well at least your dad isn't a lesbian.

In a similar situation myself. I model myself on the woman in the Special K advert who carries on as her daughter makes ‘statements’.

Make sure she has access to contraception.

DC try and shock us - ignore. There comes a time where you have to step back and trust that you managed to instill good values and self respect and the confidence to carry it forward. They get there before you do.

I read this and thought AND your dad is a lesbian, that's way too much to deal with!

Joking aside, I agree with others - the less cool you are about it the more appealing it will be and the more defensive she is likely to be.

But lesbianism is same sex attraction. Not same gender. It's a genital preference (amongst other things). Seems so simple.

Yes count my blessings my dad is not a lesbian 😆

Contraception a very good call. But 2 lesbians can't get...🤔

Thanks everyone you have brought out a lighter feeling. Trying to trust it will all be ok.

So what is your daughter's new paramour actually like? A decent person? Into the political side of transactivism.

And your daughter, does she really believe this person is a girl?

But she has to describe herself as lesbian in order to validate the belief that her partner is female. She can't say "Yes darling, I totally believe you are a woman" but then describe their relationship as heterosexual.

Yes she believes they are a girl because they say there are. DD very sensible and clever girl who understands biology but this is like a non negotiable thing..they say they are so they are...etc
Because of lockdown we have not met them for more than a few meetings. So can't tell about personality or levels of transactivism.
I do trust DD to pick a close friend wisely but she is innocent too. And this Transgirl is older.

Bite your tongue. No good will come of that conversation at this time.
As long as this person treats your DD well, and they practice safe sex I would leave it. They're very young and this won't be her last relationship.

Wise advice, thank you everyone