My daughter has started a relationship with a boy who thinks he is a girl, and my dad is calling herself a lesbian

[MothsAreSadButterflies]

I can't talk to anyone about this . I feel like if I try to talk to my 17 yr daughter I will get schooled on my bigotry.

The transgirl looks and sounds like an 19yr old boy but with long hair, wearing 'girls' clothes.

I put that in quote marks because what does that mean, what are girl clothes? Who cares what people wear, pink is not for girls and blue for boys...hair should not be gendered. Be a boy who is androgynous or feminine ...I don't care. I fought all my life to get equality and to get away from the idea men and women have different minds, or stereotypical clothes or roles...now it seems someone can 'feel' like a girl, I mean what does that mean!? I'm so confused and upset. Saying you ARE a girl and now my daughter thinks and declares you are too and you are lesbians. If she was a lesbian I'm so fine with that. If he was a boy who didn't believe in gender stereotypes and wore make up and dresses I'm fine with that.. it's just this strangeness. They are not lesbians, it's an insult to real lesbians. He has a penis. She could get pregnant. How could two lesbians do that. I'm struggling to get past the idea that the biology is to be ignored.
Saying you are a woman is enough. But for all of our existence women have not been able to access any privilege. Saying we are men still wouldn't privilege us as transmen are not seen as equal to biological men.
And I feel sorry for this transgirl. I feel they must have deep-rooted issues to declare themselves a woman.

But they are not a woman and to say they are lesbians galls me.
It feels like double speak.

A thought arising from an email discussion with MNHQ, on the topic of their reasons for enacting the loss of my post-deletion virginity.

The OP's dd is involved with someone her parents have barely met, has undergone sudden social and emotional changes, seems to be being encouraged towards alientating herself from her family, with whom she was previously open and talkative and is clearly very upset about something. This coincides with her new relationship.

Something is very wrong. The sex and gender of the dd and her new friend are not necessarily relevant here.

Might that be helpful as one way to look at things OP?

@lottiegarbanzo

A thought arising from an email discussion with MNHQ, on the topic of their reasons for enacting the loss of my post-deletion virginity.

The OP's dd is involved with someone her parents have barely met, has undergone sudden social and emotional changes, seems to be being encouraged towards alientating herself from her family, with whom she was previously open and talkative and is clearly very upset about something. This coincides with her new relationship.

Something is very wrong. The sex and gender of the dd and her new friend are not necessarily relevant here.

Might that be helpful as one way to look at things OP?

I think this nails it for me too. Taking the identity of the new partner out of the equation - this would bother me as well.

The deletions on this thread are a joke. We can’t talk about males calling themselves lesbians now ? I thought what I wrote was within the guidelines and have no idea why I was deleted. Lesbians are women attracted to the same sex. This is a heterosexual relationship. Many trans people agree with me on this, so why the deletions ?

OP you don’t need to be more “broad minded” This is incredibly offensive to all women, lesbians in particular , and your dd is very young. Someone upthread called her an adult..she is 17 ! Not an adult. Stonewall should be at the front of the fight against this, calling out homophobia, but instead they are shoring this up, to keep those fat salaries rolling in, now that same sex marriage is legal.

So we are now at the point that we can't attempt to protect our daughters from unwanted pregnancies, STIs etc which could affect their health because the lady dick won't make the uterus haver pregnant?
Fucking excellent.

'Your minds are so open your brains have fallen out'!! Genius.

My DDs best friend was in this scenario at 16/17. Now 22, got a boyfriend, never mentions anything about it. Was a phase.

Sorry I'm feeling exhausted and dramatic and very sad because I am shocked my thinking is so rigid.

Bit of a change of tone there OP

I think the role of the parent at that age is to say “that’s lovely dear” and be accepting and supportive

When my children came home with completely unsuitable new partners, I pretty much did the oh they are so lovely shtick. Because I knew damn well this would not last. It's rare for a first love to be the only love of anyones life. Although at the time the child believes it will be, plenty of evidence out there to say different.
I would do as a pp and find brilliant books about lesbianism and probably troll them in a way. Embrace your wonderful lesbian daughter to the max.
Show your support by introducing her and partner if there to everyone as an out and proud lesbian. Gush on about how lovely they have come out if the closet so young. Blah blah.
When she is older she will probably cringe at it.

It's true she's not a child but she's 17... I'd barely conceptualise her as a child at that age, some 17 year olds don't even live with their parents anymore, or they've been kicked out lol, and the last thing a 17 year old wants to be called is a child, it's so infantilising. She's a young woman basically.

She is acting like a child. Refusing to listen, getting hysterical, emotional blackmail...

But if her transgender partner is transgender then that's who she is, she's dating a woman, not a boy. So what if she still has male genitalia? Either way your daughter is old enough to explore her security in a safe way.

^The OP's dd is involved with someone her parents have barely met, has undergone sudden social and emotional changes, seems to be being encouraged towards alientating herself from her family, with whom she was previously open and talkative and is clearly very upset about something. This coincides with her new relationship.

Something is very wrong. The sex and gender of the dd and her new friend are not necessarily relevant here.^

This is it for me too.

I'm so sorry OP your last post was heartbreaking and terrifying.

I think for a little while you just need to avoid the subject.

Tell your DD you love her and you always will.
Don't discuss it anymore until things feel less fraught.

Does she have anyone else who might help chip away at the issue- someone she might listen too outside of you and her dad?

Do you know what her friends think?

But if her transgender partner is transgender then that's who she is, she's dating a woman, not a boy. So what if she still has male genitalia

She’s dating someone who could get her pregnant.

I am an actual lesbian and what your daughter and her boyfriend are doing in being a heterosexual couple aping a lesbian couple is very homophobic. Perhaps tell her so.

@ZZGirl

But if her transgender partner is transgender then that's who she is, she's dating a woman, not a boy. So what if she still has male genitalia? Either way your daughter is old enough to explore her security in a safe way.

It's not a very "safe" way if the idea of contraception to avoid becoming pregnant met by hysterical heartbreak and the reminder that the 'girlfriend' could get her pregnant, is it?

17 is a child. Both in the law and also when we understand that our brains don't fully develop until about 24.

Yes at 17 a lot of us feel like adults. Our bodies may have developed to look like adult bodies. And sadly many of us get pushed into adult situations at this age. I remember all this.

Sadly there are people out there who exploit people of this age for just that mismatch between their bodies and their minds that I have outlined. It's almost culturally acceptable (see "barely legal" porn or even judges thinking that a child's body development is a mitigating circumstance for a rapist etc). That doesn't make it right. That doesn't mean OP should not want to look out for her child.

The sex of a person's partner is what is important to know for risk assessment. Be it pregnancy or abuse. That is just fact. That risk is not affected one way or the other by gender expression. This is also just fact and nothing that anyone who non abusive needs to feel offended about.

@Antibles my tone changed because I feel terrified of pushing my beloved child away from lack of understanding.
Im just exhausted.

Okay will first off shes 17, are you sure this will even last? A wise friend once told me not to get too stressedabout the GFs because they never last, and its true.

Second, make sure they're using contraception, usually lesbians don't need contraception but..we...ahem...17yo have a lot of hormones flying around especially when they come from their testes

17 year olds also like to test boundaries and their parents, maybe this is partly a rebelion thing, in which case you are behaving just as she wants you to. Back off, talk practicalities and when she wants to but nothing else and let her get on with it. trust me it won't last

It is a tough age and I found it difficult to loosen the strings too but it made my son and I's relationship much better. Sometimes just backing off a bit makes them more appreciative of you.

She’s dating someone who could get her pregnant.

17 year old are capable of knowing about safe sex. Also There is no mention on whether her partner is taking hormones or is preparing to. I'm sure they're smart enough to think about being safe.

@ZZGirl

She’s dating someone who could get her pregnant.

17 year old are capable of knowing about safe sex. Also There is no mention on whether her partner is taking hormones or is preparing to. I'm sure they're smart enough to think about being safe.

Its my job as a mother to talk to my children about the relevant contraception and potential stds

Which is what the OP is attempting to do but appears to be shut down

Also as always in these matters, you don’t need re-education to unsee what you see, just the wisdom to not react in a way that pushes your daughter away. And you know how to do this. Vent here. June Whitfield there.

@Gurufloof

I think the role of the parent at that age is to say “that’s lovely dear” and be accepting and supportive

When my children came home with completely unsuitable new partners, I pretty much did the oh they are so lovely shtick. Because I knew damn well this would not last. It's rare for a first love to be the only love of anyones life. Although at the time the child believes it will be, plenty of evidence out there to say different.
I would do as a pp and find brilliant books about lesbianism and probably troll them in a way. Embrace your wonderful lesbian daughter to the max.
Show your support by introducing her and partner if there to everyone as an out and proud lesbian. Gush on about how lovely they have come out if the closet so young. Blah blah.
When she is older she will probably cringe at it.

This is probably what I’d do, the more you like it, the less cool it becomes!

@Escapeplanning

Maybe it's different with DSs but I spent very little time with my two partners at that age. It was "hi" if we were in a room at the same time and that was it.

She will soon move on to the next one.

Great wisdom here.

Sorry I meant lady bees advice was great wisdom. Couldn’t quote it for some reason.

@Antibles

Sorry I'm feeling exhausted and dramatic and very sad because I am shocked my thinking is so rigid.

Bit of a change of tone there OP

Because she’s been told that she needs to be more open/broad minded/learn... and make 2+2=5. I’d be chewing the sofa if I was told that.