My daughter has started a relationship with a boy who thinks he is a girl, and my dad is calling herself a lesbian

[MothsAreSadButterflies]

I can't talk to anyone about this . I feel like if I try to talk to my 17 yr daughter I will get schooled on my bigotry.

The transgirl looks and sounds like an 19yr old boy but with long hair, wearing 'girls' clothes.

I put that in quote marks because what does that mean, what are girl clothes? Who cares what people wear, pink is not for girls and blue for boys...hair should not be gendered. Be a boy who is androgynous or feminine ...I don't care. I fought all my life to get equality and to get away from the idea men and women have different minds, or stereotypical clothes or roles...now it seems someone can 'feel' like a girl, I mean what does that mean!? I'm so confused and upset. Saying you ARE a girl and now my daughter thinks and declares you are too and you are lesbians. If she was a lesbian I'm so fine with that. If he was a boy who didn't believe in gender stereotypes and wore make up and dresses I'm fine with that.. it's just this strangeness. They are not lesbians, it's an insult to real lesbians. He has a penis. She could get pregnant. How could two lesbians do that. I'm struggling to get past the idea that the biology is to be ignored.
Saying you are a woman is enough. But for all of our existence women have not been able to access any privilege. Saying we are men still wouldn't privilege us as transmen are not seen as equal to biological men.
And I feel sorry for this transgirl. I feel they must have deep-rooted issues to declare themselves a woman.

But they are not a woman and to say they are lesbians galls me.
It feels like double speak.

The trans girlfriend doesn't 'think he is a girl', she is a girl. Whether this person has a penis or not is irrelevant and not your business.

You treat this like any other relationship - straight/bi/same sex, whatever. Have the safe sex discussion with your DD just like you would for any relationship.

Why does it matter what she defines herself as in the couple? Why not a lesbian? Why should that matter?

Be supportive and be there for your daughter. That will speak volumes and go a long way.

I also don't think MN is the place to come to find out about trans issues personally. There are plenty of more inclusive places to ask for information if you are willing to learn.

I think by reading your post, you are willing to learn and understand and be supportive. And that is a great first step.

It matters because it is not true!

They are not lesbians are they, not when one of them has a penis?!

Honestly this is basic biology. The world is delusional right now.

Saying something is does not make it so.

Pretty difficult situation, but thank God it's not complicated by your dad's lesbianism.

Yes thank god. Although would be happier he was delusional than my DD as his life is not just beginning.

I would ignore that little wrinkle. Follow the same rules you would if she were dating a boy who believed himself to be a boy. Talk to her about safer sex, consent, and contraception.

I agree it’s an insult to lesbians, but I would ignore that part for the moment.

She wants to shock and provoke like all teens. Do not give her the satisfaction. Tell her you're happy for her, ask her if she would be okay with you telling your friends she is a lesbian and see wants she says.

Honestly I would even go further and troll her by telling her your DH has discovered he feels like a woman and you are now a lesbian too!

@Katypyee

The trans girlfriend doesn't 'think he is a girl', she is a girl. Whether this person has a penis or not is irrelevant and not your business.

You treat this like any other relationship - straight/bi/same sex, whatever. Have the safe sex discussion with your DD just like you would for any relationship.

Why does it matter what she defines herself as in the couple? Why not a lesbian? Why should that matter?

Be supportive and be there for your daughter. That will speak volumes and go a long way.

I also don't think MN is the place to come to find out about trans issues personally. There are plenty of more inclusive places to ask for information if you are willing to learn.

I think by reading your post, you are willing to learn and understand and be supportive. And that is a great first step.

It matters because it is not true.

"I'd rather be rude than a fucking liar."

Your DD can't be anything but angry and defensive in the face of your thoughts on this relationship because she knows damn well there's no logic or rationale to the idea that this lad is a girl. Better not to argue with her lest she feels she has to choose one relationship over the other. Teen love is fierce and a kind of madness of its own.

Listen to her, bite your tongue as much as you can, and try to get to know him. If he feels welcome I would predict he will be more likely to treat her with respect, which would be my major concern. As long as your DD is safe and well everything else is irrelevant and will pass with time.

My DD had some hair-raising boyfriends in her teens, none of them lasted thank goodness!

Also, good news about your dad, phew!

In the interest of maintaining a good relationship with your daughter, a little bit of playing along might be necessary. And to have the contraception talk, not just re: pregnancy but STIs.

You're not going to logic her out of this, and if things do get dodgy (for whatever reason), though I very much hope they don't, you'll want to have the kind of relationship where she can turn to you for help or a shoulder to cry on.

Do you think it's just a rebellious thing?

It's a naive, determined-to-be-woke thing.

My 23 year old son refers to this as "delusional wokeness." He's right.

I thought one of the concepts of being a lesbian is that you're not aroused by male genitalia?

Surely it falls under the realm of being pansexual instead on your daughter's part where she's attracted to the person but doesn't care what's between their legs.

My DD is a out and proud lesbian;I joked to my hubby once that at least we won't have to worry about our teenage daughter coming home pregnant but reading this has made me realise we could be fudged there.

The world is different to when I was a teen that's for sure but life is life right?

I'm also glad your dads not a lesbian too

@zanahoria

Well at least your dad isn't a lesbian.

^ This

You could always ask the little love bird round to meet your da though. They might hit it off.

I don’t see how they’re doing anything wrong. Just educate your DD about consent and safe sex and let her get on with it. She might be trying to wind you up, in which case she’s winning.

Acting not bothered probably the best way to go. The more of a rise the more it pushes them together. First relationships, especially statement rebel ones rarely last. Is the girlfriend nice at least? How do they get on with their family?

Mention contraception. It doesn’t sound like the gf wants to push your daughter to become trans, so your daughter is not making any lifechanging decisions. Try and hold steady. If they are together and happy and your daughter isn’t suffering then try to let it go unless she is getting distressed at their behaviour in which case be like you would with any relationship issue with your kids.

As with any relationship, it will go well or it won’t. Until a majority of Lesbians are able to reclaim the word back it’s out there being floated around unfortunately. Doesn’t seem to be an answer for the changes in language.

Maybe keep an eye on your dad though 😂

Doesn’t seem to be an answer as in, I don’t know what can change what’s happening with the language around sexual preferences and the LGBT community are going to have to work that out in a way that doesn’t exclude lesbians.

I agree with the general consensus that a general non-shocked 'that's nice dear' response is probably best.

But, this bit did stand out to me: She was agreeing more with me but then met this person and now discussion is out.
I would gently encourage her to think carefully about the health of a relationship where she cannot ask questions or have a discussion with her mother. And I wouldn't let it go uncommented on if she tried to paint me as a nasty stereotype.

Not much you can do, but if they are sexually active I would do everything possible to get her on "double Dutch" contraceptive (hormonal birth control AND condoms). Last thing she needs is a pregnancy with this deeply confused young person.

You don’t sound hateful. These are worrying times. Young love doesn’t always last so maybe it will run its course.

I would treat this in the same way as identifying as black. It's offensive and appropriative, even when it stems from ignorance. Actual lesbians have been marginalised since forever. You can be correctively raped or murdered in many parts of the world for being lesbian. I would have to make my surprise and disappointment clear on that basis. Good luck! What a tricky situation.

@Quillink

I would treat this in the same way as identifying as black. It's offensive and appropriative, even when it stems from ignorance. Actual lesbians have been marginalised since forever. You can be correctively raped or murdered in many parts of the world for being lesbian. I would have to make my surprise and disappointment clear on that basis. Good luck! What a tricky situation.

^this I do think 17 is an age where teenagers will try to shock their parents and they will always think they know more . But they are not lesbians. The world for teenagers is so confusing right now, I do feel sorry for any young person trying to negotiate their sexiality. OP I didtjoml this was an episode from Jeremy Kyle when I read the title

*did think

I would be resigned to the relationship, but there’s no way I would tolerate my DD pretending to be a lesbian anymore than I would tolerate her pretending to be black.