Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

It's [email protected] if anyone else wants to have a word about bias/limited perspective/repetitive focus on people who stay... yawn

I haven't left yet and it isn't because I am "brave", it is because I am a coward.

I read that article and it strikes me once again how selfish these people are. He (she) said he didn't feel guilty because he had to be his authentic self. They ALL seem to say that. No guilt, no apologies.

I have recently seen a few pictures of my daughter's ex on social media, in women's clothes. He was wearing a corset and lacy fingerless gloves. I think he did it under the safety net of Halloween, but I can't help but feel this is just a precursor to him coming out in full form by the end of the year. I could be wrong, but going away to college kind of seems like the perfect time for him to adopt a "new" persona. The pictures were jarring, by the way....

Don't define yourself that way @WifeOfTiresias. Ancient Tinsel proverb says, we all walk towards the same destination but some of us have to take smaller steps than others

Wife it's such a painful and difficult decision and process. Rather like 'strong women' there aren't 'brave' and 'cowardly' women here. We've had women on here staying out of financial need, because of young children, because of lack of family and social support, because of the overwhelming stress and exhaustion involves in actioning an escape process while looking after children and home because the other half of the partnership is browsing underwear online or spending hours in the bathroom removing body hair, because of faith, because of hope and optimism that things like cross-dressing won't escalate... Each has their valid reason. What is bollocks is the notion in the media that both the late transitioner AND their 'ally' are deeply brave! My ex is a coward for not dealing with his issues, and putting his kids first, and working at being an adult and parent. He took the easier path and in his case it was heavily smoothed by planned timing, wealth and privilege and being in a profession worker than woke. It is cowardly to marry under false pretences for your own convenience and to wait to do this until such a time as it's easiest for you. So that's where the real cowards are.
Plenty of women who stay are putting up with the selfishness and narcissism, just as those who stay with abusive partners. So no-one here will buy that women's impossible choices when this outrageous self-indulgent crap is foisted on them, merits judgement on them. Hope you're ok btw

I want to go. I really do but with young DC and Christmas so close and a few other reasons, now is not the time. I am neither brave nor cowardly. I am practical. My marriage is not what I was sold so I'm going. Just as if I took a Mon-Fri job and then found myself working every Saturday. I'd would look for a new job. I am still in my marriage because I am trying to be a good parent and put my dc first (even though my near constant anger sometimes bubbles over and I'm a more shouty parent than I was ). There will never be a perfect time to go but I can see an opportunity coming.

My marriage is over, I accept that but other things have changed too. I spend more time on the feminist board than any other these days. I'm not entirely sure it's healthy for me but now I can see the problem is everywhere, sport, changing rooms, primary schools etc. I feel overwhelmed and wish I could go back to my ignorance.

It's been 10 years since H dropped the bombshell, and I'm still here. Seemed to be the best thing for DC to keep the family together at the time. Initially had planned to break up as H behaved pretty badly initially but then some counselling resulted in improved attitude and better treatment of me and DC so decided to stay.

Now DC are older and getting to leaving home stage I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I can see signs of issues emerging in them as they get older and can only think it is down to what they had to deal with living with H through this. Have never managed to get them to talk about their feelings about all this, either to me or anyone else. They insist they are fine, I'm not so sure. Just got an awful feeling my staying has been the worst thing for them after all

Just feel like I'm in a never ending limbo and I will never be able to get on with living my life. It's soul destroying living with someone who just regards me as an obligation and has told me they want to have a relationship with a man, and I just can't see a way out of this.

My life has been wasted and the guilt over what I have allowed this to do to my DC is killing me.

@Toomanytears

You are right not to rush into anything, you need to plan things carefully for your DC sake.

Just don't wait 10 years like me and then realised you have no life of your own left.

Socialworker222, you have such a way with words. What you said was so beautiful and encouraging and I agree 100%.

WifeOf… I am so sorry. Please do not feel guilt. None of this was your fault and you did the best you knew to do. There is NO easy answer to any of this.

Toomanytears.. I wish I could go back to my ignorance as well. For now, everyone I look at is a potential transperson, just waiting to drop another bomb on my daughter's life. She is going to ask anyone she dates if he has ever had thoughts of being a woman. Just sad and pathetic.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, @socialworker222 . You've given me a lot to think of there.

Actually I feel rather bad now for being angry with the wife in that article. I would bet folding money that the whole thing was her husband's idea to make himself look good and she was pressured into going along with it. I can imagine at her age the prospect of starting out again on her own must be impossibly daunting.

And thanks for your good wishes too, @Whatcanyoudo1

I just feel all at sea with this whole situation a lot of the time, it's so hard to know what to do for the best. It's great to be able to share on here with people who really understand what it is really like.

Hi everyone, I haven't popped in here for a while, but I've read through the thread today and just wanted to say that I'm so sorry about what some of you are still going through.

My selfish Ayn Rand adoring god complex IT working submissive porn loving ex (thankfully we weren't married and had no children together, which I know makes the entire situation MUCH easier for me!) now claims to be a 'lesbian' and is living with a non-binary female, in an open relationship. Thankfully they live very far away from where I am now. I honestly don't know how I would react, even after 10 years, if I bumped into him. It would probably really mess me up for a bit.

But I did want to say that there is hope for future relationships, if you want that someday. I now have an adorable 2 year old with a much more loyal and loving man who has been by my side through thick and thin. We have our moments, don't get me wrong (no one is perfect!), but having set new, stronger boundaries, improving my self-esteem and making a few mistakes initially, I found someone amazing.

But meantime for all of you who are currently going through such a hard time.

And there's also a peaceful life on your own if you don't end up finding somebody else!

It's good to hear there are sucessful subsequent relationships though, moimichme.

Absolutely, Tinsel! I was alone processing the experience and the hurt for a long time before I was able to pick myself up a bit. Being away from my ex did wonders for my mental health.

Hey tinsel
It's been a while for me to rejoin.
Nearly nine months separated from b@@@rd ex husband.
Divorced, moved house.
The pain still remains in my heart.
The damage he has done.
Have moments of feeling v alone.
Few friends now know, it doesn't make a lot of difference because people will continue to get on with there own lives as ' there marriage is still intact'.
Thanks for thread Number 3.
Helps to know there are a few of us 'Transwidows' out there

Thanks for checking back in Start. Is it a relief to be off the rollercoaster?

A Total rollercoaster of emotions.
Question - How do they present when getting together with old friends, probably wearing jeans and t-shirt. Who are they trying to be?.
One foot still in a 'mans world' and one foot en femme.
I think it's partly curiosity factor with the old friends getting together, to see whether he turns up in a skirt!.
How does the ex keep up the pretence of leading a double life?
I'm never getting over this.
Living as a man for over 60 years and then suddenly changing your whole life to be 'me'
Who?

There's no point trying to comprehend the incomprehensible Start. Not your circus now, not your monkeys

Hi @StartAgainat60.

Don't waste any headspace on trying to understand what is going on in his head. It's not your problem. He's an adult, he makes his own decisions and deals with the consequences of them.

Honestly, you need to distance yourself from his ridiculous drama. You will never understand why he has done this and you shouldn't waste any energy trying. Concentrate all your energies on looking after yourself. He is not your responsibility.

The relief when you disengage is immense.

Hear, hear, Tinsel nd Wife - very wise words!

Start I know it's easier said than done though.

Really appreciate your replies
To all the wives still in it, please consider your mental health as these demented human species will devastate your life if you let them.
Releasing them from your life is the only answer.
Trying to keep strong for the sake of my children.
Really appreciate this thread @TinselAngel Its so important to us 'Transwidows'

You've got the right idea, Start - focusing on your children. Someone has to, after all!

I suspect one reason mine is still viewing himself simply as a man with a fetish is he's seen how very damaging a transitioning parent can be to a child. I'm thankful every day that the trans parent in our family detransitioned, but the psychological impact will last a lifetime.

I know I only said a week ago that I want to leave and that I won't right now because Christmas and young DC but I'm finding it all a bit much. I have a new counselor that I've seen once so far but they have got me thinking. I have a massive ache in my chest everytime I actually stop and think about my situation. For my own health I need to forgive dh for what he's done. I feel like I'm asking myself to do the impossible but the only way it's going to stop killing me is if it's no longer part of me. To do that I need to forgive and let go. Does anyone have the slightest clue how I do that?

I think I'm finding it so hard as I'm absolutely devastated at the idea of telling my dcs that their parents are separating. The time for that to happen is coming soon. For months I've been waiting to leave, to have a new start but now it's nearly here I am just so very sad.

Wife thank you, your words have given me something to think about. You say your children are leaving him to start new lives now, could this be your time to make a new life too? I know life can be amazing and I want to experience that again. You have so much more of it left to live, find something great in it again.

I found this thread from twitter, thanks to someone who DM'd it to me.

I was in a relationship from age 20 - 31 with an abusive man.
I was gaslit, isolated, physically intimidated, sexually abused, emotionally abuse, financially abused.
I ate so much food in the end I was 170kg to stop him from touching me and using me as his masturbation tool.
I left him in 2004 and he confirmed a few weeks after that he was transitioning from MTF and the reason why he was the way he was with me was because he was jealous that I was female.
I am now experiencing flashbacks of things he did to me when we were together and I've been married for 9 years.
My counselor last year told me I would benefit from a diagnosis of CPTSD but I don't need a diagnosis.
I finally have had a breakdown nearly 15 years after I left my Ex.
I nearly left my husband because I was so angry with everything, but we've managed to get into marriage counseling and we're trying really hard to reconnect.
I have a 2 yr old, that literally only exists because she implanted in a place where my uterus that wasn't damaged from the years of abuse I endured from my Ex.
I'm 46. I am confused and upset about my life and how it's currently FUBARd and yet I know I will get through this because I have got through other disasters in my life.
My parents are both narcissists and my sister is one too, so I have very low contact with them and no family support so I am trying to build a support system around me.

I also don't believe mature TW are women. They don't have the same lived experiences we do, they impersonate women, or attempt to emulate, but they haven't had our life experiences. They had a benefit of male privilege and entitlement that means women or their spouses are expected to give way to their new lives and say nothing if shit goes down.

I'm not a TERF, I'm not CIS. I am me.

Found this poem today and thought you wonderful women would appreciate it if you've not seen it (although pretty sure at least one of you has):
www.google.com/amp/s/genius.com/amp/Carol-ann-duffy-from-mrs-tiresias-annotated