Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

FinallyFree, sympathies for what you've been through, and hopefully in a safer space. I wish you strength as you go through your divorce, and yes, I believe your life will be better on the other side of this. But it's taking me years to get past the mind fuckery of all of this, it may be that way for you. A good therapist who doesn't buy into the "support the trans partner no matter what the personal cost to you" BS could be helpful for you.

Thank you
I just find myself so angry sometimes. He has played the victim so well. Apparently wanting to be treated like a human being instead of an atm is trans phobic. He even went as far as to try to pressure and gaslight me into transitioning myself even though I am perfectly happy with the way I am. Apparently he couldn't be there for me or support me in any way because I am not transgender.

Hi FinallyFree86, I have long had a theory that once people get completely absorbed in the world of transgender and its ideology, they end up thinking that only other trans people have real feelings, and what you say backs this up.

My husband told me he was transvestite 10 years ago, after 18 years together. I was shocked, upset and very unhappy for quite a while but I stayed with him and now it's just another part of our life.
I realise I am lucky that our relationship survived, but more importantly SO DOES HE.
Over the last few years I have met quite a few transexuals who are either in the process or have completed transitioning and although I don't like to make sweeping statements, I'd say they are among some of the most self-centered, entitled groups that I've come across and many of them do seem to be literally incapable of seeing their ex-partners point of view.
Maybe they were always like this and are just using their 'needs' as the excuse to behave in such an unpleasant way, who knows?
I just know that, even seeing both sides of this complicated issue, on many occasions my sympathy is totally with their partner.

No-one should have to put up with such selfish behaviour.

Is he one of the few remaining old fashioned transvestites who haven't adopted gender ideology forgetthehousework? Or has he since moved on to deciding he's a woman?

It's good that you've reached an accommodation if you're both happy. I can imagine what a difficult road it has probably been to get there.

FinallyFree, you have every right to be angry. And to protect yourself from this person and their family.

Though if you're still in the divorce process and living in a community property location, please make sure they can't do further financial injury to you by taking out loans or credit cards.

I'm still appalled at how much my finances improved after divorce, even with my paying child support. Not having to pay for all of my ex's impulse purchases made a huge difference.

QuinnMovesOn did your ex spend stupid amounts of money on stupid things then criticise you for spending money on necessities? Mine did. Spent hundreds of pounds buying a stupid games console that he got bored of within a month but that was ok. I spend £15 on getting my hair cut for the first time in 12 months and I am the most awful wasteful person on the planet. I had to justify every penny I spent of my wages but if I asked him what he spent the equivalent of 2 weeks wages on in less than 3 days I was financially abusing him. It's the double standards that make me so angry

No, TinselAngel, he says dressing and putting on his 'alternate identity' is very relaxing but he doesn't want to do it all the time. He gets a bit annoyed when people address him as a man when he's in femme mode but that's all; in fact if we're out together it's usually me who points out to them that they should be saying 'she', I don't know if he'd bother.

It's not been easy getting here and I am glad that he doesn't want to go further down the path because although I like his female side I love my husband very much and would miss him terribly.
We have both made compromises to get to where we are, but I've always felt that a successful relationship is going to involve a certain amount of give and take on both sides.

The tragedy of so many posters here is that they have been the one expected to do all the compromising and giving, without any appreciation or consideration from the one person who they should be able to depend on - their partner.
My heart goes out to them.

did your ex spend stupid amounts of money on stupid things then criticise you for spending money on necessities?
OMG yes. After a year of handwashing clothes with a small baby I finally saved up enough for a washing machine, and he deliberately broke it.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, especially with a newborn. I consider myself quite lucky that no children were involved in my mess. Although I did beg my husband to wait until I was pregnant to start transitioning to which he agreed. He went behind my back and purchased the hormones online and started taking them behind my back. He knew that they would stop us from being able to conceive and he still went ahead. I went for months wondering why we weren't able to conceive until one night I came home early and heard him bragging to his brother how much he had changed while taking the hormones. He apparently forgot that he promised me that we would try for a baby and when asked when he intended to tell me he was taking the hormones to which he replied he didn't know.
I'm just beginning the divorce procedures and was wondering if anybody could tell me if I could use this as unreasonable behaviour? Especially considering I went through several medical tests to find out what was wrong when he knew all along that it was his problem and he said nothing.

Finally I don't think you need the additional issue of his broken promise. Certainly in the UK the fact of wanting to transition is sufficient 'unreasonable behaviour' (much to the outrage of trans activists who think women should all be submissive to those demands). I divorced my husband for announcing his intention to transition and starting to make changes, without any problem. I was not the first person my solicitor had dealt with using UR as grounds. It is simple and thank God still regarded in UK law as not okay to expect your spouse to tolerate that.

I'm still learning about the whole process of divorce. I've read that I need four or five examples on unreasonable behaviour.

1. being transgender
2. changing his name by deed poll without my knowledge
3. running up over 25k in debts over the course of our marriage (15k he hid from me) which he refuses to pay because he doesnt go by that name anymore.
4. giving his family members permission to physically abuse me and allowing them to verbally abuse and threaten me.
5. inappropriate relationship with another of the same gender (trans) he sent me her bra amongst my clothes. I'm.hoping to be able to pay the court fees next month and get this over and done with. I will also be getting a clean break agreement so he cannot make a claim for my pension later on. He has no intention on ever going back to work so why should he benefit.from all.my hard work

Sounds like you have far more examples of grounds. Certainly he UK allows 1) as enough.
I can certainly recommend clean break. I was somewhat financially shafted in my divorce as I wanted it over so quickly I didn't fight for some detail. As others have counselled here, make sure you protect your assets and needs. These individuals seem from stories we hear over and over again, to have no regard for others at this point in their decision, and it's an expensive one. Late transitioners seem to go all out on the paraphenalia of female stereotypes, and finally having what they want/deserving it/ becoming their true selves, meaning sod the rest of you, partners and kids included. I agreed several informal financial agreements on trust which were if course broken, even including savings for my children which did not materialize, so with hindsight I'd advise nailing everything down formally.

All over to thread 4, team!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3898348-Trans-Widows-Escape-Committee-4-A-New-Hope?msgid=96172775#96172775

"Autogynephilia is only about the self of the man ... and his sexual fantasy about being a woman as a sexual being" Yes!!!!!!!!!!
It's very degrading. My husband likes the "fun" parts of what he thinks being a woman is, the stereotypical pink clothes, tight garments, etc. And he gets turned on by himself wearing them. In his perfect world I'd contribute to his erotic pleasure by telling him how womanly he looks. It's truly bizarre.

Oops sorry, didn't notice new thread!