Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

In that I think you'll probably have to get legal advice. Are you married?

they want somwhete safe to tranistion

It's making me bloody furious the thought that not only does he want to inflict his unwelcome presence on you, he's also clearly expecting you to nurse and financially support him through it.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Iworkmiricles, ditto the recommendation for getting legal advice. You really want to make sure you can get completely financially clear. And if you do wind up having to pay financial support, at least get that started, so you have an end date on it.

For me, selling the house was non-negotiable, I knew it was the only way to get him out (and his massive amount of personal belongings, my ex being a borderline hoarder). And it worked, it got both of us out of the house. My personal finances immediately improved after legal separation.

I can vouch for it feeling better mentally to be living in a new house after the split.

Thanks' ladies, I have been looking at selling up, I just felt it was one stress I could do with out, but I agree, a new place would be better for a new start.
This lock down isn't making things easy, and really slowing things down, but I'm sure I can find something without completely freaking myself out.
I have to say one thing - I am getting so much more confident at times at standing up for myself, which is good.

Making plans will help you through the lockdown I should think, even though you can't action much at the moment.

Iworkmiricles

What a horror! After years of supporting my ex I can't tell you how wonderful it was to sell up and be free to live my life (he wasn't trans but I thought I would offer my encouragement anyway).

On a helpful note Purplebricks can put your property on the market remotely if you want to take a look. He will have to sign the sales agreement so you might as well start the conversation now.

www.purplebricks.co.uk/how-does-purplebricks-work

Hello, I'd be so grateful for your advice... A few months ago I found my partner (male) of over 10 years, chatting online in a lesbian chat room, pretending to be a lesbian. He was using a photo of a pretty woman in her mid-twenties, and chatted and personal messaged lesbians, transgender women and shemales. I've caught him countless times and each time he promised never to do it again. He always breaks this promise. He insists that he’s doing nothing wrong, that it's nothing sexual - that he's helping people with their problems, and also having a joke and a laugh. He literally could not see that his lying to me IS something bad. He's mostly drunk when he does this, but not always. He says he's had some 'close friendships' in this chat room and insists that they weren't sexual, which I find hard to believe as he likes lesbian porn. I'm sure he's living out his fantasies online, but I'm also wondering how it might progress further. He insists that he loves me and has always found me attractive. Our sex life had been 0 for years, until recently when we tried to make a go of it and I tried to trust him again. He expressed that he likes to be dominated and he paid 'special attention to my bum hole' which he'd never done before. But then I found his new persona is a trangender woman. He watches transgender and shemale porn and uses anal dildos on himself. How can I help him if he can’t help himself? I can’t control his actions. I can only control my own. I feel terrible for even mentioning this because of what’s happening in the world right now with the coronavirus. All that he’s done and his refusal to talk about it, or listen to what I have to say is making everything so much worse. I just want to run away, but I can’t. I have no close friends that I feel I can talk about this with. I was a virgin when I met him. He's the only man I've ever had sex with. We've been together for over 20 years! For god's sake - I feel like i've wasted my life!!!!!! Before the corona virus I was on the brink of leaving him. Since lockdown he's started to talk to me about using the anal dildos, which he's been using for 10 years. 10 years ago i had breast cancer and he supported me through that. He told me that he didn't think i had a sexual libido any more because of the tablet i take every day to stop it from returning. I'm not sleeping properly, having panic attacks and anxiety to the point where i throw up.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you can help x

Abbey5, my heart is breaking for you. And being on lockdown with him, it truly must be unbearable. This partner of yours has been hiding these personas from you and acting out online. He probably has some cross dressing tendencies but you may not know it. God knows what else he is up to.

I know how it is, my husband of 10 years came out 2 years ago and told he was transgender and had to begin his transition. I was in shock, disgusted, so very angry that he had kept this from me. I was in a terrible state and could not believe my husband was not who I thought he was. I could not imagine life without him, and to say I was devastated would be putting it lightly.

Now, after he has gone thru full transition and started meeting men online and in person (behind my back no less), I am done. My husband doesn't exist now and if it wasn't for the lockdown, I would have already filed for separation.

Please know, many women have gone thru this and worse. Do not let him use your sexually or financially. Take care of yourself, he is not concerned about anyone else right now.

Take care @Abbey5, you are a valuable person, you matter. This is nothing to do with the suffering of others and C19, your empathy and kindness are part of why he is exploiting you. Please take care of yourself. Post on here, read the threads, form your own strong identity and separate yourself from him. This time will pass and he must leave. Thinking of you.

www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Welcome Abby. Your experience is familiar to many posters here. I can't work out if you've been together 10 or 20 years, maybe a typo. Either way, it's a long time. You don't mention children so I assume you may be free to 'run away'.
Putting aside the detail of his behaviour which sounds typical of fetish stuff underlying older men's transitions (in our repeated and established experience), what do you want to do?
Sounds like you don't like the behaviour, don't want to participate in it, and are not able to stop him doing it.
You may have a choice between tolerating it, setting some limits on when and where it happens, and whether you are part of it, or leaving.
If you do the former, you may choose to live with someone who has a fetish that is separate from your relationship; some people manage this fine but others feel it is too distancing and unintimate and upsetting. That's a tough road.
Do you want to leave? Is this important enough to make you leave? I certainly would not stay and would cut my losses. You seem to acknowledge that his behaviour is not going to change; if anything it will escalate.
If you can tolerate that because there are other great things about him/your relationship, this may be something you have to accept to stay.
If you want to leave, lots of people on here have experience of making that tough decision, planning for a new future etc.
Crucially, taking him and his wishes/behaviour completely out of the picture, what do you want to do?
The one thing it sounds like you can't get is your husband back as you thought you knew him before his secret was exposed and established.

We're here if you want support. Good luck.

Thank you all for your advice and support. It means the world to me x

I have been taken to task for my prudishness elsewhere but am actually quite happy to be a "Kink Shamer". There's a very strong focus on anal related shenanigans in your post Abbey5, this could be indicative of many things, but the most obvious one is that it is not a state of affairs that a heterosexual women should have to put up with or be a prop in the practice of.

There are men who enjoy talking about this stuff to an unwilling female audience, and we've had other women on the thread who are coerced into more active participation by their partners.

Women should never be pressured into being a prop in a male fantasy.

Abbey, I'm sorry you're dealing with this in addition to the pandemic. Your story is very similar to mine and others here.

About the "I wasted my whole life" idea... I also thought this, but I know know that it is possible to recover from this, you can have a terrific life on the other side of this even if you choose divorce. It will take time, but you'll get there. It's taken me years to get past the grief, but my life is so much better now.

Can you find a therapist? Or talk to a medical practitioner about the anxiety?

It's around now I start to get twitchy about the need to start another thread soon.

I think this has still got enough legs to justify a fourth thread, hasn't it? (I hope so because I've got a good name for it )

You have done us all a great service by creating and maintaining these threads.
It is every woman's right to kink shame.

Go for it Tinsel I think our safe presence here (thank you MN) make us an easily-findable resource. Don't know about anyone else but finding other women in this position helped me as much as counselling and in a different way. You can't beat knowing it's not just you, it's not just your partner, it's okay not to want to collude with it, and crucially that you can survive it and thrive afterwards without them. So yay let's do it.

Thanks social

Just a general observation / warning, team: if you find yourself being DM'd by new posters, don't be lulled into revealing/ discussing anything that you wouldn't discuss on here.

Ditto for a new thread! You are providing a really valuable resource here that just doesn't exist anywhere else.

Some progress. They have had soke use of the little room for their pc and junk, but now they are condensed into one room. This is not without sacrifice on my behalf, but at least they are only monopolising one room. I have been on the sofa for weeks, though the sofa comes with the dog cuddled up, but I think now I am going to have a room. The feeling of achievement, the ruthless way I have got rid of stuff I have held onto for years has just been amazing. I still have terrible moments and a long way to go, but baby steps is the way to go.

This is such great news miricles, and all credit to you. Getting some space just for you, where you can have your things and not look at their crap, will be such a relief. The 'stuff' thing really matters; I dejunked over and over again when my marriage broke down and it made a huge difference. I felt I could breathe again. It's partly about boundaries and having some sense of room and safety. I hope it helps you as you're moving through this.

Blatantly posting to fill this thread with bated breath...

New here just to say that you women are a inspiration.
How you carry yourself through a truly difficult situation is admirable.

I support you all and just wanted to say that 🌼

Hi everyone
I have escaped my abusive husband (transwoman). He came out as trans 4 years ago. Three years after we married. I stood by him I wish I had ran. He has destroyed me both emotionally and financially. The amount of abuse i had to endure over the last few years is incredible not just from him but from his family aswell. Long story short his mother tried to kill me (literally) because I confronted him about having an affair with another trans woman he met at a support group. He told me i was taking it to personally. (Can someone please explain that to me) After i left i found out he had given his family members permission to physically abuse me. He demanded a divorce the night before our 5th wedding anniversary. I was still trying to make things work but apparently any effort was too much effort for him. I cancelled our hotel booking and he tried to use the hotel to hook up with his home wrecker. I later discovered that he had run up over 25k of debt throughout the course of our marriage and now thinks because he has changed his name that he does not have to pay it back. He has taken everything of value and tries to psychologically torture me to try to get me to lash out so he can play the victim. I managed to get some of my belongings back from him. My clothes stank of cat urine anything of value mysteriously disappeared including my make up, designer dresses etc. He even thoughtfully included his homewreckers bra amongst my clothes. He has always denied having an affair to everyone. He hoped I would cause a scene so he could tell everyone I'm crazy. Instead I am using it as evidence in my divorce.
I am slowly recovering, I'm so much better off financially without his constant smooching. I've even started dating again ( or was before the lockdown)
Thank you for reading x