Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Thank you Tinsel for the new thread.

Yes my ex also lives in an absolute shithole and DCs refuse to visit it. He has never done any traditionally feminine domestic or birthday, Christmas organisation etc. He washes his clothes of course, because the frilly, pretty lady things he wears are central to his identity.

(Leading on from the last thread) - the name he chose was what he knew I would have called my eldest son if he'd been a girl. He has also taken up all the same causes and voluntary stuff I've always done, that previously he'd sneared about. A very kind friend said "well, if there's any way to try to be positive about it, you showed him what it is to be a good woman." In other words, he has tried to become me.

Thanks you for these threads, this is the first time I've had any support. Ex is an AGP, not planning to transition and not out so people still don't know about that side of him.

@Terfnserf

"When your husbands start to transition and wish to be viewed as women, do they insist on taking over the more traditional women's roles, like child care, elder care, generally all the things you were doing as his wife. I know that sounds a bit sexist but women do generally do the heavy lifting in those areas still."

Aw hell no. My ex did less of everything. He did nothing, really, except lay around and cry and try on clothes. Oh and later scour the internet for things to be offended by. Quit his job, quit housework, quit hobbies, quit adulting.

In fact it seems some of them have an idea that ladying means being too delicate and sad to do anything. That, and being dominated during sex. Because you know, that's what women are for.

No male gaze or sexism to see here tho.

{de-lurking to express respect}

Also, I have a relative who lost her husband to cancer around the same time a family friend’s husband “came out” as trans.

As awful as it was, she had much support and intact happy memories - unlike her friend. She (an actual widow) has no issue at all with “trans widow.” To me it shows just how selfish some of the fragile petals are, to get the vapours over the term.

I wouldn’t normally comment here but just wanted to show my support, you are all the best.

{re-lurking}

Another one de-lurking briefly to express support & respect.

On them being dominated during sex - he tries to say he's just naturally submissive, but it's actually bollocks. Because he doesn't submit to what I want to do, he'll only gleefully submit to being told to do shit that he wants to do.

Like, for all he said he wants me to be strong and in control, the sort of sex I'd actually like to have just hasn't been on the table. Because the sort of sex I'd like to have involves two equals treating each other respectfully and having their emotional as well as physical needs catered to. Never did find a way of getting him to join me in that. So who was really dominating?

Oh, and there is one particular sexual boundary that he pushes despite me saying I'm not tremendously keen but giving it a go anyway and reiterating afterwards that it really did nothing for me. Naturally this particular boundary relates to the abuse I suffered in childhood, and he knows I find it triggering. Again, who is really dominating here?

Tinsel can I just say, I like your bluntness? It can be hard to hear, but it isn't really harsh. It's just a testament to how far down this road you've been forced to travel, and just how many scales have fallen from your eyes. It's clear that you're a decent woman who's seen and experienced far too much crap and isn't going to take it any more. It is inspiring!

Thank you for the replies to you all

Support and love to all our trans widows sisters who need and use this vital thread.

Although it's not my husband who has transitioned, reading your experiences and learning from your wisdom helps me enormously.

Tyrotoxicity I am so sorry your husband would encourage you to do anything sexually that would trigger memories of abuse. I really hope you will find a way to be free of any behaviour from him or activity that is detrimental to your mental or bodily health.

Italian we never married. Thank god for that at least!

I've managed to establish sufficient boundaries and distance these days that the current situation works alright without massively messing my head up. But there's probably a degree of denial in there on my part, because a) the child we share means total disengagement isn't going to be a possibility for a good few years yet and b) I've got far too many traumas to process already right now without acknowledging another.

Tyrotoxicity I really don't want to pry but can I say one mire thing... it sounds like you are dealing with it in your own way. I do hope you will find the help you need to process trauma. I've not experienced EDMR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessin) but heard it is good and available on the NHS.

Another lurker here who came across this thread when trying to get my head round the transition of a sibling. Love and respect to all of you. I am so glad I heard the women’s voices and not just the (men’s) trans narrative. My eyes have been opened. I find it strange that the NHS official line is that transgenderism is nothing to do with sexuality or transvestitism and only to do with gender identity (not wifework though!) when these stories suggest otherwise.

Delurking to offer support. You are all amazing. 💐

Funny you should mention EMDR.

I raised the possibility with a locum GP once.

Apparently EMDR is "for people with proper PTSD, like veterans."

Naturally, I didn't put in a complaint. I just tried to hold the tears back until I'd left the doctor's office, and made no further attempts to get help with the fact that my head was filling itself with horrible images all the damned time.

And feel free to pry because it gets me talking and I probably need to!

Support from me too. Always. These threads are incredibly important.

Complex PTSD is what people who have been trapped in a damaging situation over a long term suffer. It's not a sudden event like with PTSD, it's years of abuse by someone who should care for you like a parent or partner and feeling trapped in it. Emotional flashbacks or personality change (like feeling numb or joyless in my case) are common. EMDR or "tapping" have been shown to be helpful.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex-ptsd/

These are the most valuable and important threads in the whole of FWR.

Every transwidow (and future transwidow) is inspirational. You are the ones who are stunning and brave, not your AGP exhusbands.

Yeah, I'd never claimed to have PTSD. I was told by my first counsellor (age seventeen, had recently reported csa to police; I wasn't able to engage effectively at the time) that it sounded like I had C-PTSD, and I looked into it and the description fitted. I've been working on the assumption that counsellor was right ever since.

At the same time I'm aware that, had I come to the attention of mental health services without having disclosed csa, I'd have been given a BPD label.

And had I come to their attention when I ought to have done - when I was a very small child - and had it been recognised that there wasn't just one abusive adult male in my life - then it would probably be a diagnosis of developmental trauma disorder.

Which might have been useful, and gone some way towards giving me the self-awareness to not become a poster child for The Personal is the Political: Trans Edition.

Just adding my experience in ..

My agp ex was never great at any of the stereotypical women's duties either. I knew that the cross dressing was always there, but that was what I always thought it was, despite the 'i like women so much i want to be one' stance, and the latter 'born in the wrong body'. However we had 3 children, and he got worse behaviourally with each one. (The first birth he slept through most of, i remember the midwives having to step over him during my induction!!) There was little caring, no real child rearing, he was an absent parent long before we eventually broke up. The house was always a mess, because I had long term health issues and pnd, and he didn't pick up the slack - he ignored it (and me, and the kids). He liked the idea of the kids but never 'got' the practicalities. (Still doesn't!) He got worse with the birth of each child, never taking the 'womanly' compassion route, and instead becomming more mysoginistic and more abusive. He is an AGP man in a dress. End of.

As far as I can tell, there are very few (if any) who would actually take on a completely feminine role. It is all about their needs/wants/desires.

in fact it seems some of them have an idea that ladying means being too delicate and sad to do anything. That, and being dominated during sex. Because you know, that's what women are

No sissy fetish at all, nope, not one that would actually be more fully met in finding somebody in the fetish community to play with

Tyrotoxicity "Apparently EMDR is "for people with proper PTSD, like veterans."

I am so sorry someone said such a vile thing to you.

If you Google PTSD and NHS you get to this...

"Causes of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Any situation that a person finds traumatic can cause PTSD.

These can include:

serious road accidents
violent personal assaults, such as sexual assault, mugging or robbery
serious health problems
childbirth experiences
PTSD can develop immediately after someone experiences a disturbing event, or it can occur weeks, months or even years later.

PTSD is estimated to affect about 1 in every 3 people who have a traumatic experience, but it's not clear exactly why some people develop the condition and others do not."

I really know very little of this and bow to superior knowledge by other posters. But please do keep searching for the support you need, whatever the diagnosis and whatever the support I wish you all the best.

Eggotchi sorry you've had such a rough time.

I am not a trans widow so had better start lurking again. Bless you all.

My ex sends Christmas cards now. When we were together I couldn't even get him to write the ones for his own family.

Not sure if that counts?

Just poked facebook. The raping ex who's apparently a woman now doesn't have a lot of public posts, but what little there is leaves me in no doubt he's yet another fetishist.

Talking about cramps; horribly self-centred and banging on about his own painful existence, identifying as neurodiverse; accepting fawning compliments from real women while yearning for better hair; seriously the cramps wtf?; still has a beard, naturally.

My detrans husband had become very depressed / alcoholic before transition, then doubly so during.

In hindsight he latched on to this identity as a last ditch effort to fight depression and anxiety (he’s a gentle soul really, mistook that for meaning he was trans). He was completely convinced, for a couple years.

Housework is a tough one and always has been. He did less during transition, probably due to worsening mental health.

Tinsel can I just say, I like your bluntness?

Thanks! My tolerance for bullshit is very low these days.