Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

You are all so very kind to welcome me here. Thank you. I shared with a few friends who do not know him because I didn't want to expose the kid. It was helpful to have a few confidants but after the initial conversation, it's not something you can bring up often. Unless you've been through it, you can't know how this affects your life in so many ways. So I was very relieved to find this thread. It has been very helpful to see that the pattern these guys follow is pretty much the same. The rhetoric out there is that it can work out if you love the person. But honestly, life really does become all about their comfort and well-being and the selfishness is astounding.

I wish much love to all of you, and join with you in rooting for Oldermum156. I think we are all concerned for her and would love to see her thrive outside of that toxic environment.

Hi Whatcanyoudo1, how wonderful that your daughter was confident enough about her boundaries to get out of the situation. You must be very proud of her.

She can officially be the youngest recipient of one of my boundary badges 🌟

The rhetoric out there is that it can work out if you love the person.

Rhetoric designed to condition women to keep trying and trying and trying to keep a relationship with A Man going at all costs, regardless of the compound negative effects on herself.

Maybe it can work out if the person actually loves you, and understands that love (to quote Massive Attack) is a verb.

But one thing that rings true across all of our stories is that they understand love (as given by us) to be ongoing deeds while understanding love (as given by them) to be a verbal declaration that overrides their ongoing deeds.

Us loving them will never be enough to make things work, because they're not loving us in return.

Agree. The relationships that apparently work post-transition are heavily-publicized, unlike those which don't (hence this thread as a place where people are free to share their negative experiences). Rather like detransitioners, partners-who-left are silenced as they sure spoil the rainbow parade.
Regarding love, the ability to put children first, and consider the needs of a partner, show them love and respect, kindness and care, seems to disappear when slome men transition mid-life. Several years on my ex shows an inabiity to put his children first, empathize with me or them, or work to make the impact of what he did less traumatic. I think the combination of focus on self/finding self/spending hours and hours clothes and make-up shopping, and endless time in front of the mirror, plus the current climate of celebration and validation, removes these men from any connection with their past lives, children, partners, wives.
My ex's transition was conducted without love or regard for anyone but himself; it's very painful to realize that someone didn't in fact love you, perhaps for many years, perhaps ever.
And regarding love for children, the irony of my ex's behaviour throughout, including even now in hiding from paying full child maintenance, is behaviour we don't see many WOMEN doing! It's real typical 'crap bloke' behaviour... putting yourself before your children I'm afraid isn't very female.

Spoils the rainbow parade made think: what else does it spoil? The illuson.

I've been posting on the AGP awareness thread and ideas about dominance are floating around in my head. I think the other thing wives who won't or can't play along spoil is the illusion of equality within the relationship. They dominate us by transitioning and they can't admit it or allow it to be admitted because it spoils their illusion of occupying the socially-constructed sexually-submissive role.

Thank you, Tinsel! I’d say that’s quite an honor for my daughter! I’ll tell her one day. She’d be horrified to know I’m posting on this! Haha...

Another sad story of an isolated woman

threadreaderapp.com/thread/1190402326504230913.html

"There was nothing inconsistent or unless about any of the feminist analysis"

Yeah - what she's been indoctrinated with was the male interpretation of the feminist analysis. Ie from the outside. It's the interpretation of an oppressor class trying to subsume and neutralise the danger (to men) of feminist analysis. The interpretation that patriarchy overwrites the feminist analysis of women with, in order to maintain itself.

Evolution of patriarchy in action.

I think she doesn't find him attractive now, compared to how attractive she found his not-masculinity before, because she's gained a deeper understanding of what masculinity looks like. Not in terms of skirts and makeup, but in terms of behavioural dynamics. And now she can see the damaging masculinity in him and it repulses her.

Reminds me of rapist number two. Brave and stunning now. He was beautiful then. Because I couldn't recognise his male-pattern behaviour.

I've invited her over here, so hopefully she'll find us.

Older, I just wanted to say I hope you're doing better and getting help for yourself.

Tinsel, I read the story and also hope she finds her way here. I’m always amazed that no matter what, the patterns and behaviors are all the same. Even with this teenage boy in my case, I saw so many similarities. So sad.

Older's son is making me think.

He intuitively and unconsciously identifies himself as the same sex as his father, doesn't he? The parent he knows shares his physiological sex characteristic is modelling the trans paradigm and he's witnessing the whole context of his life shifting around this assertion-of-characteristic.

for you Older. To watch your husband doing this to your son is bad enough; to be forced to watch the whole world cheering him as he does it is a monstrous violation of your humanity.

What men do to their sons makes me sick. It makes us all sick. Especially when we can't voice it.

My ex is hospitalised with a serious illness and all I can think is how if he dies, I'm going to be the one stuck dealing with all of this. It's an ugly thought and I hate that I feel I'm a bad person for thinking about it this way.

Quinn, it is perfectly normal for self to intrude on our thoughts when faced with extreme circumstances as well as in day to day life. Please be kind to yourself.

Quinn, he's your ex, you're allowed to think whatever you want and you don't have to feel guilty!

You think about you, no bugger else will!

Sorry you're in the US aren't you? That particular Northern English idiom probably doesn't translate very well!

QuinnMovesOn Don't be hard on yourself. You've been the one left picking up the pieces so far, so you know how much impact it will have on you.
There's a limit to how much any of us can give, yet we are the ones expected to selflessly hand over all the compassion and empathy, and it never stops even after we have split from them.

Sorry to hear that's having an impact on you Quinn; as with any ex it's your ex, and you are allowed to think and feel whatever you think and feel. You've been through such a lot. I have a lot of private thoughts about 'what if' regarding my ex dying/becoming very ill, and it's an inevitable part of the hell we went through being their partners. Hope you're looking after yourself okay.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7682521/My-husband-woman-Heres-didnt-leave.html

If anybody comes to this thread after reading this type of article, I would like to get across that there is no inherent moral virtue in staying in a relationship like this. It's doesn't mean you are better or stronger than people who leave.

Good luck to the woman involved but this type of reporting in profoundly unhelpful to women in unhappy relationships.

Oh, also I keep meaning to say: I've been watching Orange is the New Black recently on Netflix, and the portrayal of a trans widow is pretty good and managed not to annoy me!

That article just epitomises the bullshit that was pushed at me by H and all his cheerleaders - including a counsellor who was supposed to be helping us both. Tried to persuade me that "gender doesn't matter if you love each other". Tried to push me into sharing a bed and "see what happens". Made me feel sick and violated. My feelings and identity clearly were not important and I was seen as being difficult because I wasn't twisting myself in knots to play the game.

I just don't believe this woman. No way a heterosexual woman can be happy with a sexual relationship like this. It is abuse. She is just plastering a smile on and avoiding rocking the boat. While making women with normal boundaries feel they are somehow inadequate.

I actually feel sorry for her. God knows how fucked up this life will leave her.

The first time I read the article I didn't take in that they are pillars of the Beaumont Society. I think it's gaslighting Beaumont Society propaganda as per.

Ah yes the Beaumont Society.

Not renowned for their championing of the welfare of the wives.

There must be 50 good news stories to every 1 about the misery and pain of this happening.... despite about half of relationships breaking down. It's so easy and lazy to find these spokespeople over and over again.
And more of the subtly judgey tone about women who leave; she says 'I can't blame' women who do leave, but loving someone 'however he looked' (because it's all about how they look, not how they change/what they demand/how they treat others) is morally so superior.
And some women having the 'courage' to stay (ie those who leave are cowards, duh).
I like the idea that being given a floral scarf means you are accepted as a woman. Coz it's all about the accessories, isn't it?