Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

I would like to get a clear picture as it will help other women who are in the discovery stage or the "I'm just a cross dresser" phase.

It is ridiculous that we have to lie and say we married a woman.

I was already divorcing my ex when he transitioned but he changed his name by deed poll quickly so that our decree absolute was me divorcing someone with a woman's name for adultery with other women. So even though he hadn't yet got a GRC, he still got his way in a sense.

Other things mentioned earlier - IT work - yes (unemployable so self employed) - religious, strict homophobic parents - yes - substance misuse - yes - changing overnight once we were married and I was pregnant, from being very keen on sex (albeit very vanilla and unable to tolerate fellatio or a hand job without losing his erection) to rejecting me for being "unfeminine and unsexy" - yes - rewriting history to say he was always a woman even though he never cross dressed or said anything about it during our 10 year relationship, until after I kicked him out for cheating on me - yes.

Have I moved on? Kind of - in that I have a very full life, but no men even after a number of years. I just can't be bothered to go through the highs and lows of trying to find a decent man. We have a child so I still have to deal with him which puts me off further!

I don't get their issues with oral and hand jobs. Is it the dysphoria? I don't get why they don't get dysphoria from intercourse.
They have so much in common with gay men married to women. It makes me wonder.

We probably shouldn't go into that in much depth on here (so to speak) or we're likely to attract the wrong sort of attention.

Sorry. I'm used to non public groups. Reigning it in.

You've been very active on this thread in the last few days @Transwidow987 what brought you to mumsnet and motivated you to post here so much, given you have access to so many secret and private groups?

Which you say are also gender critical, I should have added.

I kept seeing references to you on reddit gender critical subs. I was lurking for a while, its interesting to see how things differ politically and legally in the UK as I am in the US.
I also think it is important to post these things publicly so that other trans widows and just people in general can hear our stories.
I do post on the gender critical sub as well. They do mention these threads quite a bit.
Did I trigger some thing that leads you to believe I'm not really a trans widow or I have bad intentions? I apologize if I did, I would not want to cause upset here. We have enough to worry about already and this should be safe space. I can just lurk if you prefer. No bad feelings.

Did I trigger some thing that leads you to believe I'm not really a trans widow or I have bad intentions?

I can't answer that question without breaking MN talk guidelines on troll hunting and without giving tips to any lurking trolls.

Suffice to say your unusual approach as a new poster has prompted several long standing FWR contributors to contact me expressing concerns.

This thread has been discussed elsewhere on the internet in TRA circles, and aspersions have been cast on our honesty. Bearing that in mind we are bound to be on our guard.

I feel able to say this to you because you have said you are well supported already in secret gender critical feminist groups elsewhere, so were you to decide not to consider posting here, you would not be lacking support.

I deeply apologize. I didn't realize my approach was unusual. I understand you have to protect the group from trolls/TRA. I will just lurk. I wish everyone the best of luck in healing and helping other people going through this.

Fair enough. Go well.

That last exchange between Tinsel and 987 made very uncomfortable reading. I am a staunch ally of transwidows (who I also follow on twitter) and their children which is why I follow this thread: I also speak out at any opportunity against the medicalisation of children and the encroachment of women's rights.

It appears to me that 987 was merely questioning something which was suggested by another contributor - whether the abhorrence of some sexual practices was indicative of dysphoria. Having read quite widely, unfortunately there are very high sexual overtones surrounding male to female transition and therefore such a question appears more than appropriate.

I shall now clutch my pearls, administer my smelling salts and send my best wishes to 987 whoever, or whatever, they may be. And Heaven forfend that naming sexual practices ever sullies this thread again.

I think attempts are being made to disrupt and derail this thread, but people are of course free to read it and draw their own conclusions.

I wish 987 well too, and am happy to pick things apart with her elsewhere.

This is a support thread for women struggling with being married to a man who's suddenly announced he's brave and stunning though. Picking apart an AGP-ex with a fine-toothed comb may be necessary, but it's not the primary purpose of the thread.

Women still in the thick of it need this place to be supportive of their attempts to manage or disengage from a form of spousal abuse. I'm wary of picking AGP apart too deeply on this thread because that makes the space less accessible for those of us who are more concerned with ourselves and our children than working out how our exes became such twonks.

It's like they say over on Relationships: you can't fix him, so stop trying, and put yourself and your children first.

Yup. I think mocking the women here for being cautious while pointing out at the same time that their husbands may well have a questionable approach to sexual gratification is an interesting intervention on a support thread.

It's basically the new form of midlife crisis.

Doesn't matter how your husband came to have an obsession with flash cars or a need to prove himself through his wage packet - the fact is he does, and he's using it as an excuse to feel better about middle age and impotence, and he doesn't care that it's fucking everyone else up.

I'd suggest a separate thread for those who've escaped and are looking to work it out, but for the women still stuck in it, working out how his need for a ferrari is rooted in his denial of his daddy issues doesn't help you to do what needs to be done, does it?

987's out of it now, and has no kids with her ex. She'll make herself ill if she obsessively goes over his past to process his traumas for him. That's his responsibility, not hers.

I think people who have escaped and who are navigating their way through the aftermath, is a legitimate use of this thread, and one of the things that I set it up for. Please don't dilute the thread by saying these people should leave.

I don't want it limited to people who are still in these relationships because what I absolutely will not do is facilitate these men by helping their partners to stay. There's plenty of groups allied to trans organisation that will do that.

A detailed analysis of AGP probably does belong elsewhere, such as on the great thread that Tyro started.

People should be aware though that this thread has been discussed by TRA's, and AGP's elsewhere and as our voices begins to be heard, there are bound to be attempts to disrupt and discredit us. Encouraging us to dwell on slagging off prominent "allies" or on salacious details are likely strategies.

Oh, I'm not suggesting anyone should leave! Just being mindful of the primary purpose of the thread. Here is for processing women's traumas, because this is a women's space. Men's traumas dominate everywhere else. Let's process them somewhere else.

AGP dissection thread

Yes Tyro, I think that's probably a good distinction

See, I say that, and then I go post on the other thread about how he unwittingly tried to condition me towards autoandrophilic behaviour!

Still, it's bumped now, so if 987 is still lurking she knows she's welcome to dissect over there.

I shall now clutch my pearls, administer my smelling salts

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

You speak like that on a support thread? One that is a prime candidate for infiltration? Instead of reaching for smelling salts, why don't you just butt out and trust the instincts of the thread's originator and caretaker?

(Apologies for interruption, widows. Gone again now.)

Agree. The women on here are hardly prudes.. I've no problem with discussing how we handle the thread but Billy taking the piss out of women who have probably seen/tolerated/endured far more of male sexual habits and fetishes than most, seems disrespectful and unkind. The point is that women seeking support could be put off if we are too drawn into analysis and sometimes the thread needs setting back on track.

Delurking just long enough to say how relieved I am that LangCleg found the words I could not; and to send strength and solidarity to the women for whom this valuable support thread exists.

Delurking to agree with @LangCleg and @SingingLily. It's up to the trans widows to decide what gets posted or not, especially the originator of the thread.

Yes. Some random Ploppers seem to think they could do this better than me.