So I have been realizing some thing these past few weeks that I thought I would share, hoping that it helps some one else.
It's been three years and I'm still figuring out his lies and deceit. So I don't know how detailed you get, if you have questions please feel free to ask.
We had a great sex life for 4 months. Then one day he cried and said he was afraid our relationship was just about sex. We talked about it and I told him this was normal.
He asked me in the 5th month to move in together and then asked me to marry him. (Love bombing) after we moved in together, one day it was like he turned into a different person and suddenly didn't want sex, told me it felt like a chore and he was tired of being pressured. I have him his ring back but we worked it out. (Sort of)
I kept trying to figure out how you go from high libido to very low and your wants and needs and beliefs could change so much so suddenly.
Years later we are in therapy and she suggests getting get tested for low T. He immediately says "I don't want it to change my personality." We tell him that's not a thing. He is agitated and uncomfortable, a bit mad and anxious.
He gets tested and I go along to get the results because I don't trust him. She says he has the level of an 80 year old man at age 37. He looks like he wants to cry. Looks anxious. Dr writes him an Rx and he says he doesn't want it. Says it will change his personality. She tells him that's not how it works.
He takes the Rx and goes home, won't talk to me and is catatonic in the fetal position for 40 minutes. Finally he snaps out of it and says he will take it.
I told this to my therapist last week and he says "do you think he was taking testosterone blockers?" I had never thought about it but I bet he was.
It makes so much sense. So I'm going down the rabbit hole....he knew he wanted to take them and that is why he started crying about our relationship only being about sex. And then he knew if he moved in and we got engaged I would be stuck when his libido tanked.
Then I wondered how he got it up once a week and read about how trans women take cialis or viagra if they are still in tact. And I am pretty sure he was taking cialis. Just reading about what it's like, he had to be.
Then I wonder how he paid for this without me knowing about it. I remembered he told me when he was with his first wife he would go grocery shopping and take 20 bucks out at the register. Then he would save it up and get a money order and mail it to buy wigs and breasts forms and have it mailed to him at work.
Then I remembered he always grocery shopped before any of us got home from work or school so no one could go with him. At one point I was going to school and working so I signed up to get a ton of non perishables delivered to us every other week. He was so mad at me and I couldn't figure out why. He said he needed to pick out the right brand and I told him to go on amazon and make changes. I guess he was mad that he was going to lose out on a lot of opportunities to get cash out at the register.
He was already transitioning before we even got married. I married a stranger. And he seemed to be using the testosterone gel but I think he might have faked it because his libido didn't change at all. He claimed that he was at a normal level 6 months later but now I know he was probably lying about that too.