Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Hello, my trans ex and I divorced 3 years ago. It has taken me three years to recover and to make sense of the web of gaslighting and ass hattery he created to keep me constantly confused.
Thankfully we did not have kids together. We were married for 5 years and he told me that he was "just" a cross dresser. (What's the difference between a cross dresser and a trans identify man? About two years.)
He told me he would respect my boundaries but constantly pushed them and wanted to include more of his feminine behaviors into his daily life.
It's a long story but I just wanted to say I have been reading these threads for a while and I want to encourage everyone to stand up for themselves and do not let a person with a fetish control you.

Hi 987, welcome on board. I'm so glad to hear you escaped and recovered. Three years sounds good going; I was talking to a friend yesterday and repeating what my very upset teenager recently said - 'I don't think I'll ever get over it'. That's how it feels for me beyond 3 years, so yours is a message of hope. Of couse you'll have seen your story is repeatedly mirrored here. I hope your life has moved on and you're happy now.

I wouldn't day I'm happy now. I don't know if I will ever be able to be in a relationship again. I don't trust myself to pick the right person and to see the red flags. There were so many red flags with him that I just didn't know what was going on.

I'm in support groups for trans widows and I'm trying to help other women going through it.
I am seeing that I think he is actually more attracted to men than women now or he is only attracted to seeing himself as a woman.
I have talked to a lot of women who are/were married to gay men and he has so much in common with them.
I'm trying to move on. My brain keeps popping up things he said or did that made no sense at the time but now I see what he meant.

I'm in support groups for trans widows

Welcome on board. What other groups have you been able to find? I only know of WOBS and Depend.org

There are some secret groups. Secret because not everyone's spouse is out or because they don't want people to know. We also can be as gender critical as we want without reprisal from others.
I'm also in some groups that are loosely related to the straight spouse network.

First time posting.

I linked up with @TinselAngel on @Spinster so I thought I would join the conversation here.

987, I'm at a similar point, and also not sure I can ever be in a relationship again, or trust myself to pick the right person. I am in therapy and an excellent divorce support group (not transwidow-specific, but very good for me regardless). I don't know when I'll get past all the mindfuckery. I'm just now starting to go to events where I might meet someone.

My ex started dating again fairly quickly and after swearing to me he was only into women, is now dating men. A fairly irrelevant lie to add onto the large pile of genuinely damaging falsehoods.

Hi @SilencedFemale thanks for making your way over x

Apologies if I seem nosey @Transwidow987 I'm in the process of the early stages of setting up something myself, so I'm keen not to reproduce something that's already out there.

Oh no, it's ok! I think the more support groups we have, the better off we will all be. Go for it!

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm fairly certain my ex is only attracted to men sexually. So he will end up being a hetero woman if he ever changes pronouns. Right now as far as I know he is still using his male name even though he is taking estrogen.
I figured that out from talking to many women who were married to closeted gay men. He has so much in common with them.
I am working on trusting myself again in therapy.

he will end up being a hetero woman if he ever changes pronouns

He might have trouble getting heterosexual men to play along with that delusion!

Well I would assume he would find pansexual men. Actually one of our therapists told him "it's too bad you aren't attracted to men. You would get a lot of attention." This was when we were trying to open the marriage in my last ditch attempt at getting my romantic and sexual needs met. I think she knew he was into men.

I think men are only into them while they're still intact.

I'm wondering if any of you have a husband or ex who took testosterone blockers without estrogen.
In therapy today I told my therapist about how my ex got agitated when our therapist suggested he might have low testosterone. He said right away "I don't want it to change my personality." Interesting that he just assumed it would be low.

Well it was low and I went with him to that appointment because I didn't trust him to tell me the truth. He got upset when the dr gave him a Rx and said again he didn't want it to change his personality.
Then he wouldn't talk to me on the way home and was catatonic for about 40 minutes on our bed. I was ready to call 911. I stupidly thought he was upset because low T was an affront to his manhood. Omg.

My therapist today suggested that he was taking a testosterone blocker and maybe our therapist was trying to throw me a bone to give me a clue as to what he was doing.

This would explain so much. His libido went from very high to next to nothing very quickly. He also seemed to get down about nothing for no reason after that but lots of AGPs are depressed from hiding, etc.
What kinds of things did you notice when he started on T blockers? I know mine was sneaky enough that he could have got them online without me knowing.
Also I read they are used to help men with fetishes. Maybe he thought this would help him control himself when we moved in together so I wouldn't catch him watching trans porn and masturbating.

"I think men are only into them while they're still intact."
I completely agree. This might be why he is still calling himself a male. I don't know.
The other thing our therapist said is that the most popular kind of porn searched for is intact men with breasts. Now I think again she was trying to get him to react or for me to get a hint as to what he was really up to.

I imagine Quinn that many of us feel we should have been able to spot this easier or get out quicker, or pick a partner more capable of loving others than themselves.. But if course the mindfuckery made it an unfair and fake contract based on lies. So despite sharing those feelings, I suspect we aren't flawed/foolish/terrible judges of character doomed never to meet a decent person. It just feels that way for a long time. I met another TW in person a while back and she had truly moved on and met someone capable of kindness and love so it can be done. Important not to give up on that...

• This would explain so much. His libido went from very high to next to nothing very quickly. He also seemed to get down about nothing for no reason after that but lots of AGPs are depressed from hiding, etc. What kinds of things did you notice when he started on T blockers? *

I think they all undergo a sudden personality change,whether it's illicit drugs or being suddenly overcome by transgender ideology, we'll probably never know.

They do behave as if they're cocaine fuelled don't they?

Totally. The obsessive single-mindedness, obliviousness to the needs and feelings of those around them children included, and urgency all seem to be a repeated theme. In my ex's case his years his internet research, support from the lobby, and posing as a woman on forums discussing those uniquely female topics we're so interested in -make-up and clothes- were the drug.

Sorry, years OF internet...

Re.Bel Mooney's article last week, she's responded this week. Disappointing as she blindly ignored the suggestion she should have sought some balance by talking to those affected by late-transitioning men instead of her transitioning friend, saying she couldn't possibly contact 'Chris' actual family. Really lazy journalism though duh what did we expect?! Scroll down to 'And finally'...
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7487221/BEL-MOONEY-tell-ex-lovers-wife-affair.html

That's quite a defensive response

Welcome to those of you who've just joined us.

Just a thought on "getting over it" - this isn't how it works, and if you think about it as a thing that you just get over... that's how you get messed up.

We will never just get over it. None of us. What's happened, what's happening, it's part of us. And it's bloody traumatising. We can never go back to who we were before. We have to incorporate our experiences and steer who we are now towards who we want to be.

So if anyone tells you to "get over it" - tell them to bugger off!

Yes, mine did years of research. He knew the details of every drug and surgery and hair removal procedure. And he claimed he was just a cross dresser. Then why are you obsessed with people who transition?
I hate that people see them as innocent victims of society. They deliberately married us taking false vows. We literally didn't know who we were marrying. I married a stranger.
It's similar to marrying some one who is already married to another woman but you don't know it. Or marrying some one who has been having an ongoing affair or affairs, or has a false identity.
Why do people show empathy and compassion for people who are manipulated like that but not for us?
These guys didn't wake up one day and decide they were trans. They knew from puberty that they weren't heteronormative and chose to use us to have straight cis married privilege.