Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

[socialworker222]

Hi everyone. I heard on the rasio that on Tuesday 8th next week BBC Radio 4 Womans Hour say they are broadcasting an interview with a transwidow. Should be a chance to hear 'our' side. It starts at 10.00 a.m. and is available thereafter on catch-up on the BBC iPlayer. Fingers crossed it is a good voice for the invisible victims of this bullshit.

[socialworker222]

FWRLurker is quite right. It is an awful irony that you can exit these relationships by saying it is because you are straight... the only thing that got through to my ex was saying I was not a lesbian. That colludes with the delusion but neatly cannot be argued-with... you are then 'allowed' to leave even though you are apparently buying the crap about him being a woman
Getting free is more important.

[TinselAngel]

Given what you say about Woman's Hour, socialworker222, I'll start a new thread soon. I'll post the link when I've done it (probably tomorrow).

[TinselAngel]

Because this thread is nearly full, I mean.

[Scientistranswidow]

You are right, Tinsel Angel. Before we move to a new thread (with signposting between old and new) can I please flag up the excellent video produced by Mumsnet, Women's Aid and Surrey Police "Walking on Eggshells", with link currently on the RHS of this page: www.dailymotion.com/video/x6ycbf2? I have watched it and it is excellent. I have book-marked it.

[TinselAngel]

Here is the new thread, so it would be good if discussion could now move over there.

Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back.. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back

Well done troops for getting to a second thread!

It would be good if regulars could check in on the new thread and introduce themselves to get it going?

[Datun]

TinselAngel

Once again, bloody well done for doing this.

Women who are in need can find this suppprt. It's extraordinary.

And whoever said to claim heterosexuality as an exit strategy is genius. It's positively machiavellian.

[righteous]

this is a transphobic comment

[DodoPatrol]

Is it, Righteous? Then why did you write it?

I mean, it has a certain succinct genius.

[OhHolyJesus]

Lurker here

I suspect Righteous posted to soon, as in

"This is a transphobic comment:......"

I await part two which will follow shortly.

Of course, as per MN rules, any transphobic comments will be deleted, just noting in case you are new here Righteous...

[AncientLights]

Isn't this an old thread?

[OhHolyJesus]

Yes Ancient but Righteous popped on to tell us off and got it to go up the board. It was a good reminder.

[ZiffaRih]

I learned about this thread thanks to a friend on twitter. I just wanted to say thank you for speaking up. There are many women who are not aware of this & would support you if they knew. I believe you and you are not to blame for the actions of a bunch of self absorbed men-brats.

[LvingLif]

Hi, my husband has decided he has a "female brain". I'm comforted to see I'm not the only woman going through this surreal experience.

[TinselAngel]

Here is a link to the current thread:

Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3898348-Trans-Widows-Escape-Committee-4-A-New-Hope

[Naomi2021]

Greetings from Brazil ! I am 47 years old women , 23 years of marriage and 31 years together ( I started dated him when I was 16 years old). We always been best friends and did all things together . We have a 10 years old daughter. In the middle of this year he had been very odd behavior, isolation and very concerned about baldness , body, outfit , wrinkles and so on . In the beginning I thought it was due to the stress of covid pandemy. But I found out ( he told me ) he was seeing a therapist gender specialist in secret and she believed he is M2F transgender . She told me in all the words about it while he is in denial saying he is crossdresser . My world felt apart ! I am In therapy and I chose divorce ( I am moving away with my daughter in next month ). Thanks to may therapist , straight spouse voices , I am having support to try to heal my wounds . I can talk to anyone ( friends , family) about it because he does not want to disclose in public about his gender dysphoria , but will soon start hormone therapy . I would love to get in touch with other gender widows to support each other and have someone to talk about this issue . Thank you . Paulq

[EdgeOfACoin]

Hi @Naomi2021 - I think there is a more recent discussion at the link below:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3898348-Trans-Widows-Escape-Committee-4-A-New-Hope

I am not in your position myself, but you will find lots of knowledgeable and helpful posters at that link. I'm sorry for what you are going through

[TinselAngel]

Hi @Naomi2021 please copy your post onto the new thread which Edge has linked to

[Naomi2021]

Greetings from Brazil ! I am 47 years old women , 23 years of marriage and 31 years together ( I started dated him when I was 16 years old). We always been best friends and did all things together . We have a 10 years old daughter. In the middle of this year he had been having very odd behavior, isolation and very concerned about baldness , body, outfit , wrinkles and so on . In the beginning I thought it was due to the stress of covid pandemy. But I found out ( he told me ) he was seeing a therapist gender specialist in secret and she believed he is M2F transgender . She told me in all the words about it while he is in denial saying he is crossdresser . My world felt apart ! I am In therapy and I chose divorce ( I am moving away with my daughter in next month ). Thanks to may therapist , straight spouse voices , I am having support to try to heal my wounds . I can talk to anyone ( friends , family) about it because he does not want to disclose in public about his gender dysphoria , but he (she)will soon start hormone therapy . I would love to get in touch with other gender widows to support each other and have someone to talk about this issue . Thank you . I Brazil and south america we do no have this kind of support groups. To listen to Tinsel Angel interview in the straight spouses podcast helped me a lot to understand whats going on. I suggest we could create an online support group once in a month to talk and bild a network of trans widows . Best wishes

[QuinnMovesOn]

Naomi, please join us on the current thread:

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3898348-Trans-Widows-Escape-Committee-4-A-New-Hope

[Anxv]

I'm in the middle of all of it.
I feel very betrayed by everything. He claims now that he knew from age 5. Ok, that's great. Then why, in the actual hell, did you pursue me? I was 1.5 years out of a very messy divorce from an abuser. Two sweet kids. The explanation I was given "I like to wear women's panties" well that was fine I don't care about that whatever. But what I didn't know was that it was a gateway drug for him.
We met online, I never saw the extent of his "collection". I had no idea it extended beyond some kinky bedroom fun. Which I was totally up for trying new things there. What I didn't know was that there would be a cycle that upped the anty every single time. Crossed every boundary we "agreed" on. Over and over, for 15 years. Two years ago I grabbed his laptop to print something before going to my son's birthday party- And there it was in black and white...typed by his hand. A months-long affair online with multiple people, photos, suicidal thoughts, how he felt about me, the kids, etc. Once I saw it...I was shocked- I knew things were busy we were apart some but had no idea the extent of it. We'd leave for work and school and he'd dress all day. Take photos, video and send them to these people, 100% of his emotional energy went to them. Then I had to go celebrate like my world hadn't just imploded, he stood behind me rubbing my back and I just wanted him to stay away from me. After all, I'd just read the words he wrote about how horrible I was for not letting him be "Her" and of course all his new friends and side pieces thought that it was just great how he was discovering this side. We've all heard it before. So later I confronted him about it. Of course "just friends" "you don't understand" etc. came out of his mouth. "I'll stop" "I love you" classic right? So after we'd been in bed together he immediately says to the one side piece- hit me up on snap chat. Like seriously? You're that disconnected? Or maybe I was just that gullible or wanted to believe it badly enough. That started a pretty steep downward trend. I asked for a break because of all the other lies this betrayal was the worst. and then the pandemic happened...and so not only did I not get a break but we were all in the house, all the time, together. He had no time for his "daily dressing" so instead, he turned his office into a haven, no one was permitted inside and he stayed in there except to get food. Literally all day and all night. He was in there doing whatever he wanted that made him "happy". There were entire days that he never even spoke to me. My son was moving and he offered to drive with him. That was in November. He hasn't been back to the house. He cut almost all communication. Then asks "if I'm happy" if I "want to work on us" I don't even know how to respond. I mean for the kids I don't want to put them thru a divorce. I don't want to sort all the financial stuff out, but he's escalated to going out as her, daily as her, got ears pierced, looking for new jobs as her. Spent hundreds of our joint funds on clothes and accessories and makeup. So while I was home holding our lives together with tape and string he was out living it up with this new lifestyle. All while accusing me of hiding money from him, and hating him. - Neither were true. When I asked if he was coming back it was the "accept me like this or nothing" ultimatum that knew would come eventually and the knowledge that he'd now pursue hormones. I don't want the collateral damage this is about to cause in our family, In our small conservative town where everyone knows everyone. If we just divorce and he stays away- everyone already thinks that he's unhappy because of ME. Not because of himself. So he'll get to continue to play the victim while I try and salvage the pieces that are left. If he comes home, comes out etc...the same will happen. Zero-sum game. I haven't told a soul. Zero support or sounding boards. But that's part of the game, isn't it? Isolation. Then I found trans-widows. It had a name. It was a thing. This grief over the loss of the man I married and had another child with, that adopted my biological kids, that was my best friend, lover, partner- it's real. Meanwhile, he's skipping down the street in his new high heels and I'm trying to put back the shards of my heart and process the grief. No one is sending cards or dropping casseroles with condolences. And I'm told I should celebrate something that I never asked for, or had informed consent over. He asked me during one heated argument "if you had known, would you have stayed with me?" and in honest anger, I said "NO, I'd have saved myself all the heartache." which was probably only partly true. I wanted my husband and loved him and all the memories we had together...but at least I'd have known that maybe he wasn't who he said he was...and there was more to the underwear after all.

[socialworker222]

Anxv you've posted on an old thread. Do join us on the new one at: //www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3898348-Trans-Widows-Escape-Committee-4-A-New-Hope