Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

Hi Coffee, your story is very similar to my own.

Does it ever work out well for the women who stay? A more realistic question is: do some women chose to put up with and manage to keep their sanity relatively intact?

The groups you describe will have women in them who have stayed. Reading their stories when I was still married horrified me as they seemed trapped in abusive relationships.

This is probably the best your relationship will be. Is a relationship that you find so difficult that you're on anti depressants worth continuing? In the current climate your DH is highly likely to eventually transition.

If you TTC, do you want to have a child whose other parent is a trans woman? My DD has to navigate this and it's not something I would have chosen for her. If you subsequently split do you want to have to see him coming to collect his child, wearing women's clothes EOW?

You said he says he won't transition, but I'm sure he's said he won't do lots of things and then done them anyway. And lied about them.

Do you think this is the best relationship you can hope for? My answer would be that it isn't. Nobody can or should put up with this. Imagine how you'd be able to breathe if you were free?

But only you can answer these questions. You have my best wishes. I know exactly how hard it is. 

Tinsel Thanks for the reply and wishes. It's crazy making this situation.

A more realistic question is: do some women chose to put up with and manage to keep their sanity relatively intact?

Yes that's a much better way of putting it. Am also horrified by some of the stories of what women who stay married are putting up with. We are not there (yet) but further along than I thought IYSWIM and I am not very optimistic about the future.

DH is very scared socially and of parents, to be out in any shape or form ATM. But that is just making it worse for me, and more difficult at home for many reasons.
We have a few other situations as well, that were hard to deal with and this was the final straw for me depression wise.
I have gynae issues, and just recovered from several surgeries. I have a window in which TTC may be possible. It's a huge might. So now this has thrown TTC for me. As you said no, I don't want to bring a child knowingly into this mess. It's not what I want for a child. And I would hate to have to share custody if I hit a limit and needed to leave. and put a kid through it having know the likely future.
I feel for all of you who've had to navigate this with DCs.
I went from thinking about TTC to wondering if I should take birth control in about the space of a week.
I have no idea if I want or need to leave yet. It seems hard-hearted to walk out, without trying. But is so hard. I have no idea if this is more AGP or if he is actually homosexual / would rather be with a man as a woman, but either way it feels like an impossible situation to me.

Coffee, . What a shit situation to find yourself in.

Please don't tear yourself apart. Broken dreams are extremely hard to bear. But better to recognise this now than later. Your own sanity is the most important relationship, because it's your relationship with yourself.

Hey Coffee

I try not to post on this thread, because I’m not a transwidow, but I do peek in and marvel at how gracious you all are, under such pressures.

Anyway, I decided to post to you because while I am not a transwidow, I have walked away from two husbands - you need to stop trying to second guess what your husband wants, and instead spend some time thinking about what you want.

I can promise you, the universe has better in store for you than this.

Coffee, one of the definite signs for me that my marriage was over was when I realised I'd switched from hoping I was pregnant to hoping I wasn't pregnant.

I have no idea if I want or need to leave yet. It seems hard-hearted to walk out, without trying

I felt I had to stick with my marriage until I was sure that a compromise wasn't going to be possible. Looking back I think I stayed too long, but at the time I felt it was what I needed to do.

I'd agree with the PP who said how important your mental health is. Another failed relationship down the line, and I've resolved that I'm never going to stay in a relationship again with somebody who makes my mental health worse rather than better.

Coffee That's such a tough situation. But I think there is some very good advice above.

I would only add that in my case, with no children, it was actually far better for both of us once we finally split. We both now feel free to be our true selves, have new, much happier relationships without hiding stuff, and aren't holding each other back in an old version of what we (thought we) were meant to be and to do for each other. It's hard if you feel pressure to do anything you don't want to, and you definitely don't need to suffer for his sake. Good luck thinking through what you want.

Just to clarify - I think if we'd had kids it would have made the situation with my (unfortunately very selfish) ex a million times worse.

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for a while but I wanted to post something after reading Coffees posts. My ex was the same in being scared of being found out. He would have hated me talking to anyone about his cross dressing so I kept it to myself for three years and didn't even talk to my closest family or friends about it. That made it much harder to get my head around it and I wrestled with whether to stay or go for the whole time.

Then, about a year before we split, he suddenly decided to come out to everyone without discussing it with me first. He told everyone who asked that I was fine with it which left me feeling even more confused and still trying to hide it from my family, especially my kids (not his, thankfully) as I still had no idea what I wanted, while he dressed publically more and more often.

I wish this thread had been around when I was going through it as the experience of people here would have been invaluable to me. I had no idea what autogynephilia was, although in hindsight it's clear that that was what I was dealing with. So Coffee, do keep posting here, especially if you have no one close you can talk to, because whatever you decide you're going to need support from people who understand.

for everyone here who is going through this, who has been through this, or is just here to offer support. Thank you for making me see that I'm not alone and that I wasn't unreasonable to have ended that relationship.

I'm half way through watching the "Trans Kids: It's time to talk" programme on Channel 4 catch up.

It was very interesting to see Debbie Hayton's wife being interviewed (briefly), as she is a wife who stayed.

I know Debbie is on here, which makes me not want to hurt anybody's feelings, and I also know it's easy for me to project, but she didn't look happy to me.

Their story was that they have stayed together but have separate beds.

How deeply we women are socialised to facilitate men at all costs.

Best wishes Mrs Hayton if you're lurking here. 

Thank goodness my ex turned into a frothing TRA. It would have been harder to leave if he'd been earnestly gender critical.

This is still preying in my mind today. Imagine if even gender critical sources of support were not available to you, because your partner was already all over them?

I've spent the weekend reading this thread and I want to send all of you living in these incredibly difficult situations my heartfelt thanks for sharing and to tell you that you are awesome women.
I lived with an abusive man for 19 years, (not trans or tv or cross dressing) and it took me 5 years to get him to leave. The mental abuse, and gaslighting was hard to notice at first, but reading this thread has helped me plot how it all happened. If only I had read Mumsnet back then, this would have helped me see the truth more quickly and not blamed myself.

But I'm sure there are readers that you are helping. I know it.
Thank you so much for posting everyone. You are amazing women.

I also felt that Hayton's wife was really patronised by the presenter, with the well done you and pat on the back, it bothered me clearly she was not happy with the situation and no longer was attacked to her husband this was not explored nor was it highlighted there is no support for such women and families effected.

I speak from experience as I divorced my husband and father of my child, he was more open and critical at the start and didn't believe in dead naming, until he drank the cool aid and ran with it behind my back with no interest in my thoughts or feelings. I find the ongoing forcing of correct pronouns by the person I was married to for 17 years as emotional bullying. I am surprised no one is writing about the many women affected. Our human rights matter too and to be able to address our lived experience, what about our feelings. Seems to me the pro nouns agenda is a form of coersive control by these transwomen even when they are gender critical.
When is a real support group going to be set up for those of us affected seems too many people are on here for their own ends?

I meant attached typo!

I also felt that Hayton's wife was really patronised by the presenter, with the well done you and pat on the back

I might be cynical but I thought that was a deliberate ploy to get an awkward reaction for the camera, not that it wasn't awkward already.

what I meant to say was she was no longer attracted to her husband obs she was still attached for the kids sake, but the relationship had fundamentally changed and living day by day to get through is a clear sign she is not happy

this is completely traumatic situation to deal with especially as many have underlying mental health issues not treated, and as ever its the wives and former wives pick up the pieces and still do most if not all of the childcare for these middle aged mtf.

My ex has tried to bully me into using "correct" pronouns. I think it maybe frustrated him that I was the one person whose use of pronouns, he couldn't control.

From what I've seen from the testimonies on this thread, if a transitioning male partner come out with "He says he will never ...", it's best to assume that it will happen, it's just a matter of time.

Step back CoffeeSonata and put yourself first. It's time for selfishness. Although that sounds hard, read through the thread to see what happens to women who put their transitioning partner first.

I wonder how one goes about setting up a support group Bell. Is there a course you can go on?

I'm sure I'm not the only woman who reads these posts, or lurks.

Or who finds words wholly inadequate.

coffee, i'm glad you have found this thread. And I hope you can find solace in the shared experience with the other women here.

Those of us who are not transwidows, I believe, have no problem perceiving the issue. And the empathy comes with realising that if one is not in that situation, one cannot possibly understand what it's like.

Many of us are outside, looking in. But our empathy is real. Our appreciation of what you are going through is tangible.

, inadequate, but heartfelt.

Hey there brave sisters. I just started listening to this podcast: https://www.feministcurrent.com/2018/01/12/podcast-happens-husband-decides-hes-woman/

Which is Meghan Murphy, a Canadian feminist, interviewing a woman whose husband came out as trans after 14 years. I haven't listened to the whole thing but thought you may be interested.

As ever, and to you all (delete as applicable)

Orchid and Bell3 (" When is a real support group going to be set up for those of us affected seems too many people are on here for their own ends?")
I found courage in rare accounts by desisting autogynaephiles. Wordpress has removed "Autogynaephiliatruth.com" but see <a class="break-all" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20180201032222/autogynephiliatruth.wordpress.com/2015/06/20/male-trannies-18-times-more-likely-than-real-women-to-be-convicted-of-violent-crime/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">web.archive.org/web/20180201032222/autogynephiliatruth.wordpress.com/2015/06/20/male-trannies-18-times-more-likely-than-real-women-to-be-convicted-of-violent-crime/. It is about the link between male narcissism and violence. Thank goodness for archive.org!

@birdbandit

*He basically didn't out until it couldn't harm him.

And that's him, not us. Not harming me or the kids wasn't a factor.

Yet he tells people he came out because he was so depressed he couldn't take it anymore. Total lie.*

THIS
100%