Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

I have found that in the 9 months we have lived apart, friends and colleagues of my STBXH have been in the same journey as I have previously.

At first you believe, excuse the bad behaviour because it all makes sense now.

Then over time, people will do and see for themselves. People are not on the whole dim. And very few, at least from my experience, can't tell when someone is getting sexually aroused by their own actions.

I have lost count of the hand on my arm, the quick word, the emails and messages from folk who I thought were truly sold on my STBXHs sanitised story of innate gender identity. People saying sorry for not initially getting it.

Folk do have eyes and senses, and it may take a while, BUT YOU WILL BE BELIEVED.

On a practical note, don't feel you need to give him what he wants, sexually.

If you feel that you are being manipulated, you probably are.

I certainly was. I look back with huge shame and boiling anger that I did things which made me feel awful, to keep the peace.

Grey rock him as much as possible. Poker face, don't react. Just ignore/walk away.

TBH, I think, if it is going the same way as mine, then there will be a tipping point, and he will leave you.

Unless you are working like a demon right now, to set you and the kids up for the storm coming, which I bet you aren't because you'll be depressed and feel like shit. Unless you are using this time well, then you are not doing the smart thing by staying.

All you are doing is getting further into your own pit, whilst giving him time to manage things so that you are done over when he does flit.

For us, the tipping point came when he got to a stage of career where he couldn't easily be sacked. Own business etc. Lots of high profile praise, a massive ego boost, huge sense of entitlement. He basically didn't out until it couldn't harm him.

And that's him, not us. Not harming me or the kids wasn't a factor.

Yet he tells people he came out because he was so depressed he couldn't take it anymore. Total lie.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6337589/US-Army-soldier-strangled-wife-death-threatened-expose-cross-dressing-secret.html

I'm not sure what to say about this one

TinselAngel,

That hits close to home. Stay safe, ladies.

That is grim reading.

I have been very scared of my STBXH, especially the weeks when he came back to our home, discharged from the priory, before he moved out.

I chainsmoked at night, slept with my dog and something I could use as a weapon in my bedroom. I tied Christmas decorations with bells on the kids doors, so I could hear if they were opened.

The most mad part was I was so conditioned that I thought this was probably unnecessary in reality and he was normal and I was the crazy one. I was DEFINITELY not the crazy one in the house. It's a miracle the stress of all this didn't off me!

There's a story on the BBC today about a couple where the husband has decided to transition.

I feel so sad for the wife, Lynne. Right at the end she fixes the camera with a desolate stare and says 'things could have been so much worse. I'm one of the lucky ones.' She looks like she's about to burst into tears.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-bristol-46074037/the-couple-still-together-after-gender-reassignment

Fuck me. That poor woman is so miserable. That could have been me if I hadn't got out.

It wouldn't surprise me if her husband ends up leaving her anyway, for a brave and stunning new lifestyle.

That poor woman. She doesn't look like she feels lucky.

EmilyHowardsWife

"This is the time of year my partner has a craving to cross dress. Autumn to late spring is when he needs to dress. Why this time of year. I don't know."

I think the seasonal disorder might play into it. I also heard one trans woman (o think young, single trans woman from USA) say that Halloween was a great time because of drrssong up under cover of 'Halloween'.

I am sad to see you are still with this man.

Ate you the poster who lives a way from your home country? If so, could you get him to agree to move back to your home country or a country of your choice?

Once where you want to be, separate?

Thinking of you. And no do not humiliate him. He is asking you to change who you are for his kicks. No way.

I mean if he has seasonal disorder.

I cant believe theres so many people going though this i honestly felt so alone and drowning in everything. My husband decided to come out as transgender around 9 months ago im trying to be supportive but as the only one who works due to his depression and having two children whilst processing his needs is so hard im.24 and this isnt the life i imagined ive sunk into my own depression and being in and out of hospital due to stress leading to neglect of my self. Its nice to see im not alone so thank you to whoever made this thread as defiantly a great support reading these posts

Hi @Jadeddragon I'm glad you found the thread.

I hope you know, that you don't actually have to support him? The most important thing is to look after your own mental health and then to look after your children.

Do you think you'll stay with him?

Jaded dragon,

We are here to wrap you in warmth and comfort whenever you need support, which you most certainly do. I am so glad that you found this thread.

How old are your children? What does your support system look like?

No judgment here. I supported my husband for 1.5 years while he experimented, including teaching him how to dress and primp and choosing his new name. I continue to give him my (very nice!) hand me down clothing.

His autogynephilia and general behavior caused me enough stress to break out in shingles.

There is no right / wrong way to respond to his behavior, especially given your status as a working mom and the fact that you have (seemingly young) children.

What's the best case scenario for you, do you think?

MTFisAGP they are 4 and 6 so still very young. I dont really have any support tbh everyone who knows the situation has distanced themselfs or told me im.beimg selfish just trying to make it from day to day

Whew. That's so very difficult, I am so sorry to hear.

We are all kind of going through the same thing. My husband left, so I did not have a choice. I would have stayed with him had he not left "for the sake of the children," but honestly I am so much healthier after 1+ year of separation. The divorce is ongoing.

I think you should plan for an escape, maybe in two years. Give yourself a date. We will hatch you a plan.

I would do it like this:

Week 1 Goal -- set up account to funnel money, begin doing so
Month 1 Goal -- find church, etc so you can start making friends who won't judge you for your situation. Aim to attend 2x per month, make sure you talk with someone in charge about your situation and explain that you need support. Do not tell your husband
Month 6 Goal - Meet with attorney, ask about divorce and custody / impact on children. Ask about collecting evidence to win custody battle
Year 1 -- Are you doing better or worse than you were a year ago? If the same or worse, you should consider legal action

Make sure that all of your medical records indicate the source of your stress.

Your life will not be what you wanted it to be. Your children's lives will not be what you had hoped for. I am so very sorry. You will go through a deep grieving process, and lots of justified anger. But I promise that life can and will improve.

What keeps you going these days? It helps to focus and have goals.

Praying for you.

That video - my heart breaks for that poor woman. She looks devastated.

Jade have you had any counselling? If you haven't got anybody to talk it over with IRL, it could really help.

First of all, my heart breaks for Jade, newly being "boiled like a frog" as we have all been. I am delighted that you have found the Transwidows Escape Committee and the "women who will NOT submit - get over it!". Brave, compassionate, gentle... and above all, helpful. Thank you for helping me in my time, Escape Committee and other transwidows.
Now I want to raise a new issue either here or (probably) on another thread:
Is this the right time to petition the Government to repeal the Gender Recognition Act 2004?
And if so, which platform? The UK Gov Petitions platform? I will also be asking Miranda Yardley and legal experts for input to frame the question fully and in a legally watertight way.
We all know that creating legal fictions is dangerous and Janice Turner has helpfully reminded us of the current chaos of identity politics two days ago: www.thetimes.co.uk/article/if-identity-politics-win-a-man-of-69-can-be-49.
I look forward to your comments. Thank you.

Hi All. Have a look at yet another celebratory article in today's Guardian magazine, on late transitioners: www.theguardian.com/society/2018/nov/17/age-nothing-do-with-it-transition-later-life-transgender
I'm putting out a call for people to respond; I'm going to, asking why even though they cite HALF of families not having a happy ending, they don't look into this or hear our voices.
If you have the energy and think it worthwhile, you can write to the magazine Letters page by emailing [email protected] by noon Monday. Of course you have to be more polite and brief than I feel.... and yes, sigh, I know we are up against a tidal wave of unbalanced reporting but it needs flagging up. Thanks everyone, your thoughts welcome...

PS Couldn't agree more MTFisAGP. This thread has helped me so much..

"Her children found out she had begun to transition only when a short article about her, in a women’s magazine that she hadn’t expected anyone to notice, was picked up by the News of the World"



How awful for the children to find out like that! But at least it was done with some (tiny bit of) consideration of the ex-wife's feelings...but so annoying to keep this trope that they 'always knew' they were trans -- it's still being parroted without question, even though it's certainly not always true, especially for people who transition so late in life, often after hiding their true motivations for cross-dressing for decades.

And isn't this woke reporter aware that it's transphobic to imply that trans people are different from cross-dressers, at least according to Stonewall?

So glad I found this thread. My husband came out to me a few months ago. Been utterly confused ever since. He's still in the closet basically, so am I. Before I knew he was transgender, I was aware of cross-dressing (mild: skirts, not often). There's actually whole drawers of clothes, dresses, heels, boots, more bras and stockings than I own. Breastforms. Am between shocked, wanting to run, and trying to work out how much I can cope with because I love him very much. But at times I just can't see this ending well, or a future for me. Our sex life is non-existent. It's never been 'normal.' He says it would be easier for him if he was dressed as a woman and was submissive. The support groups I found seem much more about working out how to stay and bend yourself to someone else's sexual identity and desires, without much consideration of your own. To say otherwise, or express this might be psychological, or a paraphilia is seen as transphobic. We don't have kids, but I was about to TTC (is complicated). Now I think that's a terrible idea, but time is not on my side. He is depressed and it's getting worse. I'm also now on anti-depressants. I just don't see an end to this. He says he will never transition or take hormones, I'm not sure he can promise that right now. I do not want to be in a 'lesbian' relationship (if that is what he wants) , and I'm struggling with him dressed as a woman, which is happening more and more often around me. I love him, and feel guilty about even thinking of an escape plan : but does this ever actually work out well for women who stay? Parts of this thread are so familiar to me, it's scary.

@CoffeeSonata the reality is that you probably deeply live who you thought he was/who he pretended to be

@CoffeeSonata
Your husband is experience autogynephilia, a fetish. He's not a woman, he's just subsumed by a fetish.