Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

This resonates so much. Mine waited till everything in his life was lined up (and, literally, C Jenner was on the front of that magazine) to do it. The fact my daughter was 12 and this week is going to try therapy (again) because of how traumatized she is, was an irrelevance.
Lovely letter in the Guardian yesterday in response to the article about brave and heroic mid-life transitioners:
'While I have sympathy for those who have lived in what they feel is the wrong body for years... I also sympathize with those who have shared that time. I felt sad for Rose's wife, part of a past Rose now sees as 'a bit of history', like 'having owned a certain car for a while' before deciding to change it. This was her ex-wife's actual life. I get that it is hard to be who you are in our intolerant society, but spare a thought for those who have also been forced to live a life that is a sham.'

Top letter on the magazine page, so quite prominent. Well done whoever wrote that.

I can't find that letter online @socialworker222. Can you post a picture of it?

Here it is..

Thanks Socialworker.

I've just realised we've missed this threads' first anniversary!

Thanks to everybody who has contributed. I think we've really helped each other and contributed to raising the profile of the partners perspective.

My thoughts are with those of you who still feel trapped in unhappy situations. Remember it doesn't have to be that way

It won't be long until we need a new thread!

Hi all. My husband of 19 years revealed cross dressing to me in Feb. He told me as he had worn a dress and heels in his sex therapy that day. He had been in sex therapy for masturbation and porn addiction for about a year. Apparently he had been CD throughout our marriage here and there. To say I was floored and devastated would be an understatement. I did not react well but what’s proper protocol in a situation like that?

He continued to dress in therapy weekly saying he was just trying to figure it out. After lots of fighting and trying marriage therapy (guy was clearly very much LGBTQ supportive) he told me he had gender dysphoria and couldn’t promise he wouldn’t want to transition some day. This from a man I started dating right before I turned 18, married right before age 20 and someone I’ve had 4 kids with.

He is in the military and is a pastors son so this was no where on my radar! He moved out in July at my urging and we barely speak. He turned into an awful husband after starting sex therapy (lied, hid, quit communicating) and since moving out has been a poor father to our kids. He calls them 3-4 times a week for about 3 minutes on average per kid. He sees his kids every other weekend for 2-4 hours (long enough to watch a movie or two with them in his 1 bedroom apartment).

I’m not handling life well right now with the holidays and the fact I can’t keep up with the house that’s going to have to be sold. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 18 years and never finished college. I feel so defeated, depressed, angry, sad, etc.... You name the emotion and I have it. I don’t even want to take care of myself let alone 4 kids and the house. I do have a therapist, but very few friends and no family near by. It’s an awful place to be and I’m so tired of hearing about the poor transgender person! For that one person, what about the scores they left in their wake?

" I feel so defeated, depressed, angry, sad, etc."

You are absolutely entitled to feel all of those things and more! I'm not in your position and unlikely to find myself in similar at my time of life but you have my unqualified sympathy and compassion.

The man you married and shared your life with is a stranger to you now. Accepting that and letting go will probably be the hardest thing you ever achieve. But you will achieve it, I'm sure.

How old are your children?

My children are 17, 15, 13 and 10.

Jeez Kit, it's difficult to know where to start.

What a selfish fucker. Even if you go along with him being a poor oppressed Transgender person (which I don't), that's no excuse for hardly seeing his kids.

It doesn't look like his "therapy" made anybody happier.

The porn addiction seems to be quite a common feature.

At least all your kids are school age which will make things logistically easier for you. Also they're old enough to help out around the house etc. (Make them do it! It's stressful in the short term but pays dividends in the end!)

I presume you're in the US, so can't offer any advice on benefits/ housing, but you should certainly get proper advice on that if you haven't already.

How does his being "trans" affect his job in the military? Is he going to be able to financially support you and his children?

With regards to your house, I'd say it seemed terrible to me at first that I would have to leave my home (it had to be sold), but I love the rented flat I'm in now and think having a new start turned out to be a really good move.

Most of all, at least you are out of the relationship now and you can plan a future for you and your children without having to pander to somebody else's whims, so well done . You are clearly very strong.

.

He’s not “out” in the sense of dressing and portraying female daily. He does go out dressed some as I’ve seen on Facebook with a queer women’s group he has been out with. It’s disturbing to think you know someone to find suddenly you know nothing about him. He went from being my best friend to someone I wouldn’t even want to associate.

As far as his job goes he’s got 3 more years until he retires from the military. He’s currently going back to college to be a sex therapist (yes even though he’s still in sex therapy himself). I never got one degree so I could take care of my family, but he’s now getting his second degree.

I am in the US and even though my kids are school aged, one is doing online school because she suffers from severe anxiety. I couldn’t get her to school because of it which left me with very few options.

We have to be separated for a year before filing for divorce in our state so I’ve got 7 months of this limbo. I also haven’t drawn up a separation agreement as the law isn’t in my favor until 2019 when it changes.

Something is seriously wrong with these “men”. It’s like a mid life crisis but instead of going off with the secretary, they go off with themselves!

KitkatX4 I am so sorry to read this. I've not been in your shoes and I have not got any advice to give.

I know you are finding it really hard and I think just do whatever you need to do get through this.

There is something in your post which just hints at a resilience, that you have this strong backbone and you have these amazing kids. We have various issues at home at the moment, won't go into it, but I am finding that making them help me, and do stuff around the home and also making time for small, cheap fun times, is making life better.

I really really hope you and your amazing kids will find the fun this season and rise up out of this ash pile like a beautiful phoenix.

This seems mega cheesy so please ignore if it strikes you as this but I so much hope for you that the future will be brighter, and you find that inner strength. i.pinimg.com/originals/1d/b2/bf/1db2bf528b5fd38bceec09bde03aab87.jpg

CoffeeSonata I have not got any advice as I am not a trans widow but I wanted to mention one thing about fertility.....

"Our sex life is non-existent. It's never been 'normal.' He says it would be easier for him if he was dressed as a woman and was submissive." This strikes we as very selfish. I wonder if it would help you? I very much doubt it. Plus if you do want to have a family then (short of adoption) sex will be needed. I think it is very telling if you now do not want to have children with him. Please do listen to that inner voice.

"The support groups I found seem much more about working out how to stay and bend yourself to someone else's sexual identity and desires, without much consideration of your own. To say otherwise, or express this might be psychological, or a paraphilia is seen as transphobic." Stay well clear of any support group which doesn't actually support you! You can encourage him to go to the things that will support him.

"We don't have kids, but I was about to TTC (is complicated). Now I think that's a terrible idea, but time is not on my side. He is depressed and it's getting worse. I'm also now on anti-depressants. I just don't see an end to this... I love him, and feel guilty about even thinking of an escape plan..."

I think you really really need to think about yourself and what you want here. You want to have children, time is not on your side. My experience is of fertility issues, we had assisted conception, had a birth daughter and then had a lot more assisted conception, with donor eggs, all failed and we adopted. It took me a long time to get my longed for family.

Being a parent is fucking hard, my own kids have a few issues and I won't lie there are times when I wonder if I did the right thing even having kids! But I would not be without them.

If you want to have children and you know now that you do not want to have them with your husband then you need to think about yourself and where your future is heading.

Whatever happens you have not chosen this for your marriage. Your husband may also feel he has not chosen this, and he may pursue whatever help or support he wants or needs. But you do not need to stay together if this is not what you want.

Kit so he's got 3 more years earning in the military and then you'd be entitled to a share of his pension? You can still get advice on this even if you're not divorcing yet.

I became a trans widow back in 2009, before most of the mania hit the world. My ex was involved in art comms and Tumblr and the rest just nose-dived from there. I had no support like there is now. I have a wealth of knowledge on how to cope through the grief of this. Anyone needing support, reach out. I'm here and I'm going to be checking this thread.

I hope you won't mind me sharing this current thread here.
I know many of you are very well aware of coercive control & its impact.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3452784-Coercive-Control-a-need-for-better-awareness

I also wanted to add my respect, thanks and best wishes to you all.
Amazing & inspiring women

Hi Silver, welcome on board. When you say there was no support like there is now, I'm curious what support you're referring to? As I'm not aware that there is much still!

Thank you for the support everyone. I am very glad for this thread. Stops me feeling like I am being unreasonable or going insane. Very much understanding the boiled like a frog feeling here. Re: TTC, have discovered he is taking hormones presumably bought off the internet. Likely has been for quite some time, given the difficulties managing to have sex at all. Assume I need not worry about TTC and he is probably not capable of it now. Also assume what I saw as depression may well be side effects of turning self into a teenager again. Pissed off is an understatement. Has anyone else's OH taken meds off-prescription/internet? Did it result in the crazy personality transplant?

Coffee, it was exactly a month ago that you posted that your husband said he would not take hormones and now he is. This is a prime example of the gradual pushing of boundaries that these men do.

This is a massive betrayal, particularly given what he knows about your fertility. Please do not be gaslit otherwise.

Why would he be taking hormones if he wasn't building up to a public transition?

My ex was sensible enough not to take hormones without a prescription, he went through the proper channels. What he did do prior to hormones, and under very similar circumstances, was to start taking a drug that he ordered off the internet to prevent hair loss (on his head). He did this without telling me of his plans. The main side effect of this drug was known to be impotence, and we were nominally still TTC.

He said I had no right to a say in the matter.

I'm really angry on your behalf Coffee, just in case that didn't come across in my last post!

Kitkatx4 I know from another forum I'm on that you need to take specialist advice re your H military benefits. There are some significant benefits and you need to understand the effects of his actions. You need to understand what dates you need to stay married to him to gain the benefits including I think military medical cover. Very important.

Hello all you courageous women on this thread. I just wanted to pop in and share this recent article with you. It's a long read with a wealth of references and academic research throughout; hopefully it will be of interest or use.

4thwavenow.com/2018/12/19/the-theatre-of-the-body-a-detransitioned-epidemiologist-examines-suicidality-affirmation-and-transgender-identity/

My thoughts are with you all - it must be so incredibly difficult this time of year

Somebody posted this on another thread and it rang alot of bells with me.

A brave academic to write that. Hope all of you out there dealing with this manage to get through Christmas ok. I was up in the night thinking about the last few Christmasses with my ex and how profoundly betrayed I feel. I'm off now to bake and put on a happy face for the kids. Thinking of you all and let's hope 2019 brings wider debate and freedom to challenge this nonsense.

I just wanted to pop by and wish you wonderful women a Merry Christmas and a New Year of moving forwards. I want to thank you for the insights you have all given me. A few recent threads here have given me the tiniest idea of what it's like to deal with and I take my hat off to all of you.

Hello all. I've been offline for a while, the whole GRA thing and my STBXHs lightning speed escalation hit me hard and I needed time out.

So mine is now giving after dinner speeches about his journey. I'm tired of having my arm grabbed by people who have sat through his story, they wide eyed, tell me what he's saying/doing. It's a horrible combination of cringe to your soul stuff, and heartbreaking. For my kids that is, heartbreaking that this is what my kids father is doing so publicly.

We had a good Christmas this year. It was Christmas last year that he was throwing chairs, screaming in my face, and I had to get him put back in the Priory.

On the good news front I've been spending a few weeks with a guy. It's not going to be a thing, I think I'm a bit too damaged for that, but by golly it's nice to meet someone who doesn't want to wear my skin as a sex suit.

Turns out there still are men out there with a "normal" sexuality, who actually enjoy doing the deed than porn/masterbating. Who knew? Bird x

I've just read the very long article by Hacsi Horváth.

It is brilliant. And everything I had suspected as I was very much away of weakness in studies in medicine and how they are reported as a whole and its blindingly obvious that trans medicine has a particularly acute issue with bias and misleading studies and/or reporting of studies.

It's deserving of its own thread.