Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

MNHQ have commented on this thread

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 38 39

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Trans Widows escape committee

972 replies

TinselAngel · 01/12/2017 15:55

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

OP posts:

Thanks

Share

Report

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 21:17

birdbandit the most hurtful thing my AGP said to me is that I was too fat to be attractive a year after giving birth to his children, less than a year apart. I'm only a size 12 as well.
AGPs are unforgiving in any perceived unattractiveness in their partners. God forgive we tell them how strange, comical and unattractive they are en femme. Feel their rage then.

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 21:26

Probably into sissy stuff, too clever for me to see what he's into online.
Has admitted he wants to be spit roasted. Had to look that up, then needed eye bleach. So that confession alone told me he looks up all kinds of porn on line.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:29

Looking back, do you see things differently, like there were clues but you couldn't see them? I do. Clothes found, ridiculous excuses etc.

His insistence that my less than great parents were the source of my so called trust issues, (I was being lied to!) and my being from a less affluent family than his meant I was grateful for him.

What's your plan? Can you imagine a route out yet?

I am working at building a career (but late but hey ho) and hope one day I can leave. I know it'll mean a dramatic change for the kids, and I feel really, really selfish for even considering getting out. There are no winners here.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:32

I stopped looking, I have enough proof to know it isn't my madness, that he is the liar and this is real, because it really is easy to forget that. He could spin it that I am remembering things incorrectly.

Please if you can't document his online stuff, keep a journal or something to keep yourself sane when he is full on again.

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 21:34

There were clues. When we first met he was overly interested in me being sexily dressed. He started slowly with just stockings, slowly building to the full monty

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:35

Sometimes it does feel attractive to just be an ostrich, head in the sand pretending this isn't real.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:40

Mine went through a phase of only wanting to have sex if I were full on trussed up in a corset.

One of the things that makes me feel violated is he planned a weekend away, before the reveal, and basically bullied me into doing things I wasn't comfortable with, me going shopping and me wearing a tiny skirt, fishnets etc. Spent a fortune on sex toys and costumes. But really, I was just his prop, he was getting off on making me feel uncomfortable, or maybe too into his own fantasy that this shit was happening to him, to care that I was deeply unhappy and being bullied. I was literally just his pawn to project onto. It's messed up!

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 21:40

Also, although I hate Mother blaming, his mother is very open about how disappointed she was that he was a boy and that he was too beautiful to be anything other than a girl. This is a story she tells at every opportunity. I have one girl and 2 boys, her grand daughter is a goddess in her eyes and the boys are invisible; it's painful to see.
Also weirdly she chucked him out to live with grandparents when he had his ear peirced aged 16. Didn't want "a gay" in her house!!!!!

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:45

Are we the same person?

Mines mother can't see him, his is ignored, totally obsessed with her only daughter.

Being gay isn't a problem for her, one of her sons did a season as a poor little rich boy acting out at his parents by being a rent boy. He still floats about it at Christmas.

But yes, it's all mummy's fault because she caught him dressing as a boy and told him not to tell his father. Only I think that story is a bit of bullshit, a PR exercise to backdate it to childhood, makes it less about sexual fantasy and more about gender feelz.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:48

Gloats not floats.

MIL has no interest in our children, only her daughter and her children exist.

MIL Ardent feminist, apart from helping me, because she had it hard so I should too. 🧐

Separated from PIL because he is a self obsessed sort.

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 21:48

An argument that nearly led to him chucking me out was when I shouted how I was just a prop with no more importance than a plastic dildo or silk knickers to him. No affection or connection just an actor in his sex fantasy. Led to him having, what I consider, a narcissistic rage attack.
Somehow he made me feel that I was being abusive still not sure how he did that.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:53

Oh fuck, mine has only thrown furniture, his approach is to go AWOL, with the occasional text about his intentions to die, unless I do as he wants.

The only time he has got really in my face was when he was raging about his inability to move on and have another family because he had a vasectomy for me!!!

Seriously, man who tells wife he is deep down in his sexy soul a woman, going nuts because he was made to have a vasectomy. Obviously he wasn't made.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:53

Oh fuck, mine has only thrown furniture, his approach is to go AWOL, with the occasional text about his intentions to die, unless I do as he wants.

The only time he has got really in my face was when he was raging about his inability to move on and have another family because he had a vasectomy for me!!!

Seriously, man who tells wife he is deep down in his sexy soul a woman, going nuts because he was made to have a vasectomy. Obviously he wasn't made.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:56

Can you get out? This is only going to escalate, no matter how hard we hope it won't or imagine we can control or manage it.

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 21:59

Mine has come up with some real bull - he was a woman in a previous life. This is from a rational, scientific and academically gifted person, this is so far from his personality it just screams mental poor health. Also playing dress up when young proves he has a feminine soul.
Means my son's soul is Spider Man and my other son's soul is Thomas The Tank Engine.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 22:05

It is so strange, I also think for him it is mental health situation, the man I married/loved/had kids with has been replaced by a porn addled creep who spouts nonsense! Only the creep is wearing my husbands body and that body is dressing up as me, it is a horror story.

And those idiots who say "it's just clothes, get over it."...

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 22:05

No escape, too old, too tired, too invested.
Have been very clear that social and/or medical transition I'm leaving no matter what. He knows I mean this as well. I think he uses me as a much needed anchor to reality.
He says he will never do this and if he so much as thinks he will he will let me go amicably and weirdly I believe him on this one thing.

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 22:08

Just Clothes - whole essay on what's wrong with that statement. If Just Clothes, then don't wear them - simple.
Told years ago it's just clothes and just a bit of fun. Another rage inducing statement - a girlfriend to go shopping with - ahhhhhh

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 22:09

Shopping, it'll be fun, it's what girls do together....

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 22:13

I am 40 next year, I fear if I don't then, I won't ever, and my life will be wasted. Destined to become bitter.

How's your paranoia? So I'll be deleting this from my app tomorrow, reverting it back to a different user profile. I am fairly certain H has my phone key logged. Or maybe he doesn't care and I am nuts.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 22:19

"Let me go amicably" holy moly, you're not his thing. But you know that.

I go from depressed/defeated, don't feel the point in leaving/it's too hard to full on I can do this, and back again, at depressing speed.

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 22:21

I'm early 50s I'm very paranoid that he will see this. Have name changed too. He is very clever and in the past has shown me how he can track keyboard strokes on the family computer, so using my phone and will make sure I log out as well.
If he sees it will be bad news for me.

Thanks

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 22:25

Good grief, you are scared of his reaction and you feel powerless, unless he allows you to leave and to suit him. He's done a number on you. And mine on me.

Don't believe him and his tales of doom for you, believe your lawyers.

I'm off to bed, please do come back here, it is nice not to be on my own. X

Thanks

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 22:28

Need to say good night now - he is beginning to want to see what I'm doing on my phone and is trying to look over my shoulder. Stay strong, do just one thing tomorrow that makes YOU smile. Carry on 💐💐

Thanks

Datun · 02/12/2017 05:13

It’s reassuring that sharing stories provides support.

When I first heard the term gaslighting, it made so much sense. Especially with the whole trans issue.

It’s a very effective tactic, but as soon as you recognise it you can keep doing so. It’s a big relief.

I was just wondering whether or not this thread needed to be shifted somewhere, as what starts as support could end up being outing and difficult for those here?

There’s a space on mumsnet that is a little more discreet and doesn’t come up on an advanced search.

Although conversely, that will mean that this thread is a little more hard to find for those who need it.

Just a suggestion.

Thanks

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 38 39

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.