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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Trans Widows escape committee

972 replies

TinselAngel · 01/12/2017 15:55

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 01/12/2017 16:12

Yep, I'm a trans widow. I'm not sure how much help I can be to others though, I ended the relationship straight away.
'Dont stay, they will destroy and bankrupt you' is sound advice when you are out the other side, but doesn't sound realistic to many.

TinselAngel · 01/12/2017 16:47

I wonder if they are all terrible with money? My ex was.

I left a month before our tenth wedding anniversary.

OP posts:
Datun · 01/12/2017 18:51


I was going to PM you. But I’ve decided to put it here instead.

Thank you for doing this.

I sincerely hope @Dustifyoumust contacts you.

Support of people who understand has to be just about the most crucial thing.

I’ve read enough narratives about AGP. How the wives never knew. Or, if they did, thought it could be contained.

I can’t be the only one who reads about this fetish and becomes infuriated. It’s never happened to me, (DH is fairly mainstream), but I can so easily imagine the layer upon layer of difficulty in processing it.

It outrages me purely as a concept.

God only knows what it’s like to deal with it, not only with a husband, but with the father of your children.

So thank you for starting this thread.

You may not get any takers.

But it will always be here, for those who are looking.

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 18:52

I'm still in it. H is on a purge phase after a really horrible binge period. We have been together nearly 20 years, married 11. I found out about the crossdressing 2 years ago.

I am not yet 40 and have been really defeated by this, only just beginning to get my mojo back.

He has crippled my confidence, classic abuser stuff of encouraging my isolation, I don't have a proper job and we have two kids.

One of the things that really makes me angry is that he has defamed me, told folk I was crazy, I had trust issues when I found condoms, that I was sexually deficient or having an affair. He has thrown me under the bus so often.

I am working hard at getting my health and career back on track, and then I will go.

I worry that he will abreact and be a dick financially.

At the moment he wants to pretend nothing has ever happened, but wants nothing to do with me sexually, and still guards his phone. He is away a lot so I suspect he keeps dressing outside of the Home.

At his worst he was trying to bully me into sleeping with randoms on the internet or from his approved list, so that he could dress up as a maid and serve us tea. When I told him no he threatened to kill himself.

Right now he appears normal, for want of a better word, but he is on an aggressive PR campaign to tie our friends to him, (and it is working) he is passive aggressively point scoring with the kids. I am just exhausted by his behaviour being on my mind all the time.

QuarksandLeptons · 01/12/2017 19:00

Birdbandit Flowers

Datun · 01/12/2017 19:14


Thank you for posting on these threads. It is invaluable. That’s not meant to sound cold, you have my upmost sympathy and support.

I’ve tried to help dusty on the other thread, but she doesn’t want to know.

Which I totally get.

I think she wants to be able to maintain the framework of her marriage with this fetish in it. Which again, I totally get.

And maybe she can do it. I hope so.

QueenLaBeefah · 01/12/2017 19:26

One of my work colleagues transitioned about a year ago ago and I swear to God he has never worn the same outfit twice. Naturally he broke up with his partner about 6 months ago. He has spent thousands of pounds with stuff that has inevitably ended up in landfill. As a dispassionate observer he has had a massive love affair with himself but is now in the doldrums as the chore of being fully made up everyday has started to kick in.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell any woman who is in a relationship with someone cross dressing/ transing to break up because emotionally and financially the price is too much to bear.

JustGettingStarted · 01/12/2017 19:29

All widows have my sympathy. It sounds like such a dreadful mind fuck.

Datun · 01/12/2017 19:33

It’s genuinely awful to see somebody in the middle of processing it.

Actually, no more words. It just is.

QuarksandLeptons · 01/12/2017 19:54

OP, I thought this previous post may also be of use:

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 19:57

I really do wonder what is my H's end game for our marriage, he seems to be entirely confident that the fetish stuff is all over, and that I should get over it, because he said so.

I can't reconcile my understanding of where his thoughts meets his behaviour, meets my being on edge and constant analysis of his actions. Am I always fair? Am I just revolted by his fetish and unfair? I know I am not, but it's hard to currently say or think anything other than pro trans stuff, regardless of his behaviour, without being accused of being a bigot.

Perhaps he has given it up for ever, and I should get over it, put it down to a crazed mid life thing, but I KNOW deep down that is nonsense. He's not stopped lying, he thinks he is managing this and me as if I were a troublesome employee.

I am torn because now it's calm, I can imagine that staying put, despite the sexless/affection less and friendless thing, is better for the kids, and our finances. But I am so angry and unhappy. I know that if I do divorce we would all suffer.

I have ranted on MN loads, under this name and "notwhatiexpected" since day one of this nonsense.

And I am furious that folk are campaigning for kids to be sterilised, on the back of a sanitised narrative, lies peddled by literal wankers like my H.

DJBaggySmalls · 01/12/2017 20:13

birdbandit Flowers
You wanted a heterosexual marriage and he lied to you; you arent being unfair.

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 20:19

I had a quick look at the other thread. I can understand why the OP feels powerless and only option a revenge. He will want her to feel powerless because if suits him, classic abuser stuff.

I hope she finds some peace. Honestly I am so much better than I was, I know now that it isn't me, it is him!

The best revenge would be for her to get away, make a good life. If he has her live a bitter angry existence, sacrificing her mental health for his entitlement to a wank, than he "wins". Their poor kids.

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 20:33

I have bookmarked that other thread to reread and reread whenever I am having a wobble and thinking I should stay for the kids/fiscal reasons.

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 20:43

I cann't believe that there are others who have the same experience as me. Some of it is uncannily just like my own.
My AGP is extremely clever and in the IT industry. He has moved me away from family and friends to live abroad. I've gone from being an independent high earner with a large social circle to a dependent stay at home mother with no financial means of my own and no friends whatsoever.
The last argument I've had was when I angrily (drunkanly) told him he is not a woman and that it is not my fault and I'm sorry that he is jealous that I am. Didn't like that one bit - didn't sleep with me that night then twisted that he forgives me for my nasty fishwife tongue.
The gaslighting is off the scale. You can only truly understand if you've lived with it.
Thanks for starting this thread just being able to say the unsayable is so healing for me.
After a month of no interest in me whatsoever now moving to becoming oversexual again. Dressing is going to rear it's badly made up, comedy breasts, head in the next week or two. So exhausting.

BlessedBeTheFruit · 01/12/2017 20:49

Having read the thread linked above and this one, Flowers to you all. What an enormous head fuck.

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 20:52

Snap! High earning IT guy....

I stopped wearing nice clothes, cut my hair short as a school boy, gained weight, because he got nippy when I was feeling attractive.

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 20:57

Mine had the comedy silicon boobs, he got rid of them apparently in the purge.

I was livid and felt violated when he bought a wig which matched my hair. I said so and got nasty back because it's the only available apparently, on the internet. Hmm

I feel like from day one it has been a sham, that I was only a pawn for him to project onto. It used to be a funny joke that I looked a bit like his sister, grim joke now, mind.

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 21:00

It is a mind fuck, where your emotions and reality are wrong - you are WRONG for not wanting to have this new exciting life.
He lies back and thinks he is having lesbian sex, or being taken roughly by a big black man - sham I'm not turned on by his reductive racism and lesphobia. No matter what he says I'm not a lesbian. Apparently me having sex with another woman in front of him isn't being unfaithful. Me having sex with with him dressed to him is a lesbian act - it's not.

HemanOrSheRa · 01/12/2017 21:03

I can’t be the only one who reads about this fetish and becomes infuriated You are not alone datun.

Many, many years ago (it feels like it happened to a different person). I was in an abusive relationship - we were married. But I CANNOT imagine the layers of abuse and betrayal you feel. And it is that. However it's dressed up. It is. Maybe there is more support than you realise? If you were my friend I would absolutely support you Flowers.

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:06

Sex isn't an issue, for me I think my vag dried up mid coitus a couple of years ago, and tried to escape via my ear to block out his sexy chat.

And he hasn't attempted since. I have asked obviously and he tells me he can't because he is scared it will set him off again, and that anyway he isn't attracted to me anymore because I am now a size 12 and fat in his eyes. (The irony) oh but I shouldn't worry because he knows my weight gain is his fault?!?!

He hates me because in his estimation I rejected him, except I didn't. I really tried. I helped him with makeup, bought clothes, tried to believe, I gritted my teeth and looked after the kids when he went on a sex trip abroad, with himself en femme. All I did was say no to shagging randoms and spotted the massive inconsistencies in his chat, compared to what he was saying online.

EmilyHowardsWife · 01/12/2017 21:10

birdbandit my hair is short too - snap back. Overly feminine, glossy hair and makeup slightly repulses me now.
I think I subconsciously shy away from the feminine now, it's not for me anyway it's for him to play with. I'll get on with the tea and helping the children with their homework (don't need the bright red or orange lipstick and sky high heels for that anyway).

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:11

Is yours into sissy?

Mine was howling in the internet about wanting to be treated like a slut girl.

His chat is, it is a fantasy because he is oh so important in RL, but I say so you think women are sex objects of no value, and you want to be treated as one to escape yourself?

That's a bit of nasty right there.

birdbandit · 01/12/2017 21:14

Mine is growing back, and this sounds crackers, but I look at it as a marker of my getting better. Bit like Samson. Now he is on a purge phase I am doing the beauty thing as a bit of a fuck you to him. I wouldn't dare when he's in the pink fog! I work on my own, so it is entirely unnecessary, but it is making me feel worthwhile again. I realise that is a bit vacuous.

RandomMess · 01/12/2017 21:15


Sounds like the problem is as much to do with them having narcissistic traits rather than being trans/cross dressers? Surely some of them don't abuse their wives?

Although I suppose the ones who are decent wouldn't have married and had kids under false pretences...

More Thanks what shitty times you've all been through.

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