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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

DP wants to go on new DC's BC

525 replies

Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 14:03

He has just raised this out of the blue.

He isn't on our eldest DC's bc. That's never caused a problem. Now he's saying he wants that changed too.

I know this is 'normal practice' (hence posting on fwr not aibu/chat/parenting/relationships) but it's made me really anxious.

It came so out of the blue, I didn't have much of a response prepared. I said it hadn't caused any problems so why change. I said I didn't want to give up my exclusive rights. He said why and I gave the hypothetical scenario of him running off with a younger woman then being able to restrict where I live etc after a split.

He knew about my stance on this before we had dc1. He knows I had a very bad relationship experience before him (life threatening violence, stalking and breaking into new house after break up type stuff) so I just won't ever feel 100% safe with any man ever and need to have the security that I could escape if that happened again. From my PoV if he was on bc he could potentially use this power to continue to abuse me even if I left. (So many threads like that on relationships board and I know some irl examples too)

As long as he was never violent I'd always let him have fair access to dcs so I said to him why does he want it unless he doesn't trust me?

I'm now going to be constantly worried he'll bring it up again. Maybe he won't. I'll not mention it if he doesn't.

OP posts:
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 18/05/2015 18:42

You know what a man would be called if they said their spouse couldn't go on the BC so that they would have 'exclusive' rights over their children?

You cannot expect to treat someone as a sperm donor but expect them t behave as a parent.

FlaviaAlbia · 18/05/2015 18:43

Honestly OP, I know this is upsetting you, but dismissing other people's experiences because they don't agree with you isn't fair.

uglyswan · 18/05/2015 19:17

Wow. Could we all please back the fuck off for a second? If you're that much into virtual mud wrestling and knee jerk abuse, I'm told there's this thing called the AIBU board where you can "debate" toyour hearts' content. Jesus.

Jackie, I really have no idea whether or not leaving your DP off the birth certificate will give you any legal protection whatsoever, but I can see why you would want even that "illusion of control". Sometimes, illusions are all that keeps us going. Has your DP told you why he's changed his mind? I assume he knows why this is such an issue for you, what's the issue for him?

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 19:19

Er there has been no abuse of the OP at all. Just because the majority don't agree does not make them abusive so why don't you back the fuck off Hmm

uglyswan · 18/05/2015 19:27

Oh hey there, Regina, welcome to the FWR board, the board where we try not to call people selfish, unreasonable and controlling when they post for support. Glad to have you Smile!

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 19:33

Tis not my first time here ugly so no need for the welcome.

The poster wanted all the feminist to agree she was is right to me that shows she does not think highly of or fully understands feminist or feminism. She was very dismissive of posters and frankly quite rude. The support she wanted was a collective "yes you are right" she didn't get it but she did get some good support regarding counselling and a lot of empathy.

I didn't realise you ran this board ugly as last time I looked there was no name above the door.

uglyswan · 18/05/2015 19:39

Yo Regina, I've read your posts and you've actually been very supportive to the OP, so I don't know why you're up in my grill about this. Other people have taken the opportunity to turn this into a mini AIBU and I really wish they would back off and show a bit of empathy.

As you were.

MrBloomFantasies · 18/05/2015 19:39

well said regina

arsenaltilidie · 18/05/2015 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 19:45

They have shown empathy but just because they disagree with the OP it does not make them abusive.

The OP has issues and posters have acknowledged that. Do you really think everyone saying she is correct is going to help the OP? It's not is it, it will just validate her thinking which could in turn cause her problems in her relationship.

I didn't realise the to post on the FWR board you had to agree with every post.

AGirlCalledBoB · 18/05/2015 19:53

This is not a feminist issue. This is you being controlling and denying your oh the right to be a parent on his children's birth certificate. Feminism is about equality, no?

No wonder your oh is annoyed, you can't treat a man like an unimportant sperm donar and then expect him to be a parent.

A child is not a possession and their birth certificates are something that they will have for the rest of their lives, not you, them and they should have both parents on it.

uglyswan · 18/05/2015 19:58

Oh come on. Obviously nobody has to agree with Jackie here, that's not the issue. But why take the time to come on here and call her an abusive bully? How is that helpful?

Jackie - I'm sorry I can't be more constructive and I'm obviously just derailing this thread even more. You're going to have to talk to your DP again - discuss why the birth certificate issue is so important to both of you and whether you can reach some kind of agreement or compromise. Is there any other way he can make you feel safe in this relationship?

Amethyst24 · 18/05/2015 20:02

uglyswan I actually think the OP has got a far, far easier ride on here than she would've on any of the other boards - as she acknowledged, hence posting here not there.

I sympathise with her, I really do - probably some of the fault lies with her partner for agreeing to this arrangement in the first place, and certainly some of it lies with her ex for being an abusive nightmare. But the situation is what it is now, she's placed her partner and her children in an unfair situation that ultimately won't give her the protection she wants, and people are being frank with her about that.

slightlyeggstained · 18/05/2015 20:05

"You're going to have to talk to your DP again - discuss why the birth certificate issue is so important to both of you and whether you can reach some kind of agreement or compromise. Is there any other way he can make you feel safe in this relationship?"

This.

YonicScrewdriver · 18/05/2015 20:05

Ugly, arsenal is often full of charming comments.

Arsenal, that post strikes me as a PA. There's no need.

Holowiwi · 18/05/2015 20:11

If he wanted he could be put on your children's bc regardless of your wishes he is a father who is present in his children's lives.

He is not to blame for the actions of one man and why should he shoulder the evils of mankind, these are his children. And their bc isn't for you it is for them, can you imagine them asking their dad why isn't he on their bc despite living with them for all their lives and his response would be he can't be trusted with his children because of some other man their mother had issues with.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 20:14

But why take the time to come on here and call her an abusive bully? How is that helpful?

Because maybe that is exactly what the OP is, she just doesn't see it. OP made it clear from the start that how she feels and the choice she has made is not up for discussion with us or her DP. She has probably used her trauma to coerce/convince/bully her DP in to agreeing with her and now he has changed his mind and is standing up for himself OP is unhappy and came here for validation. Which by the way considering what she has been through is understandable but maybe a bunch of strangers pointing out her actions are unfair and unreasonable will allow her to see that what she is demanding is not fair on the people that she loves and who love her.

Sometimes telling posters exactly how they are acting and behaving isn't about being abusive to them it is about showing them another side to their behaviour and decisions.

MrsDeVere · 18/05/2015 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newbieman1978 · 18/05/2015 20:30

Someone mentioned if the op died, maybe her dp is worried what would happen if he died. I'm sure it would be very difficult if not impossible for the bc to changed if he died.
Just a thought.

scallopsrgreat · 18/05/2015 21:22

No people don't have to agree but I am with uglyswan. Some of the replies on here are unnecessary. I can't believe the OP is being accused of abuse, even by those supposedly being supportive. And she isn't treating her partner as a sperm donor Confused.

No other oppressed group is expected live with and love their oppressors. Jackie, I think you're discovering what that really means for women. You can be abused by men, distrust them, be told that men can't be trusted yet you are still expected to trust them. And forgive, of course.

I can understand how this has side-swiped you. How would you feel if this was a deal breaker for your DP?

As an aside birth certificates seem pretty patriarchal to me. A lot of it is rooted in men's ownership of children. If a father's name was on a BC then a child was 'legitimate'.

AGirlCalledBoB · 18/05/2015 21:36

If she is not treating him like a sperm donor then put him on the birth certificate like the equal parent he is and stop treating him like he is an abusive arsehole.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 21:36

Why can't it be termed as abuse??
Just because the OP is a women??

No other oppressed group is expected live with and love their oppressors

Really Hmm do you think a true feminist should never love a man or live with him or god forbid have children with him? What a ridiculous close minded thing to say.

Her DP was not her abuser. He has done nothing wrong yet he should pay for the sins of another? I suppose that would be the same for the women who submit their partners to DV?

If a BC is all about the man's ownership of children why is it that a single women can register a birth in her name only. If the father is to register the birth without the mother then a form of statutory declaration is needed and has to be signed by the mother. Not very man friendly is it.

TheBlackRider · 18/05/2015 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 18/05/2015 21:39

Someone mentioned if the op died, maybe her dp is worried what would happen if he died. I'm sure it would be very difficult if not impossible for the bc to changed if he died.
Just a thought.

that is a very good point. As this has come out of the blue, I think it would be worth the OP asking her DP if all is well with him.

Amethyst24 · 18/05/2015 21:46

But, Scallops, this man isn't the patriarchy, he is her partner and the man she has chosen to entrust with fathering her children. That's a fact, regardless of whether he is on the BC or not.

I don't disagree with your point about legitimacy but that's not the issue here. The OP says she is worried that her partner might "run off with a younger woman" - that's not model husband behaviour, of course, but it's not abuse and it doesn't automatically make him an incapable father. And what if OP "ran off with a younger man"? According to her assessment of the situation, she could fuck off to Mexico with the OM and the children and he'd never see them again. But, no, he must trust her.

If you distrust men as a sex to this extent, why have a male partner at all?