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Original poster

DP wants to go on new DC's BC

525 replies

Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 14:03

He has just raised this out of the blue.

He isn't on our eldest DC's bc. That's never caused a problem. Now he's saying he wants that changed too.

I know this is 'normal practice' (hence posting on fwr not aibu/chat/parenting/relationships) but it's made me really anxious.

It came so out of the blue, I didn't have much of a response prepared. I said it hadn't caused any problems so why change. I said I didn't want to give up my exclusive rights. He said why and I gave the hypothetical scenario of him running off with a younger woman then being able to restrict where I live etc after a split.

He knew about my stance on this before we had dc1. He knows I had a very bad relationship experience before him (life threatening violence, stalking and breaking into new house after break up type stuff) so I just won't ever feel 100% safe with any man ever and need to have the security that I could escape if that happened again. From my PoV if he was on bc he could potentially use this power to continue to abuse me even if I left. (So many threads like that on relationships board and I know some irl examples too)

As long as he was never violent I'd always let him have fair access to dcs so I said to him why does he want it unless he doesn't trust me?

I'm now going to be constantly worried he'll bring it up again. Maybe he won't. I'll not mention it if he doesn't.

OP posts:
BluebeardsSidekick · 18/05/2015 16:32

I'm in agreement with you Jackie and with Lurcio. This has nothing, nothing at all to do with whether anyone on here thinks you should, shouldn't or do/don't have the "right" to make the decision you did. This isn't our business, it isn't our place to judge and the OP has made it plain she's not on AIBU and she's not asking permission or asking if she's reasonable to do things this way. She's stating that she's done things this way.

There was an agreement, an understanding. Jackie, whether anyone on here likes it or not, had laid out her views and the reasons for them from the off. Her DP agreed to them until now. He knows very well why Jackie has those views.

He has the right to change his mind but Jackie has just as much right to stick to the original agreement.

For all we know Jackie wouldn't have even considered having another baby if it meant agreeing to have her partner's name on the birth certificate. For all we know she feels as if she's been lied to, let down, lulled into a false sense of security and then shit on.

This woman sounds like she's been through hell. She's not lied and she's not deceived her partner. He knew what he was getting into, he agreed to it and now he's putting pressure on her to change her mind.

Stick with no if that's what you want Jackie. He knew the score. If he persists in demanding a different outcome then you know you were wise to make the decision.

Coastingit · 18/05/2015 16:37

I can't comprehend a present father in a loving relationship with the mother and being an active and loving parent, actually agreeing to not being on the bc Confused

My DH would be heartbroken.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 18/05/2015 16:39

Stick with no if that's what you want Jackie. He knew the score. If he persists in demanding a different outcome then you know you were wise to make the decision

Wise to make the decision why? Because a father wants to be named on his DC birth certificate. That hardly makes him an abuser.

We tell women on MN every day that they have the right to renegotiate the terms of a relationship they are unhappy in. Whether that be having more children, fewer children, returning to work, giving up work, and just about any other thing that you care to mention. And yet you are going to say that this man doesn't have the right to do the same?

Original poster
Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 16:41

I was really upset at this anyway. Suddenly putting me on the spot about something that brings back horribly traumatic memories isn't a nice experience. I needed a little support which is what mn is supposed to be for.

None of you know what it feel like for someone you love to try to kill you and then terrorise you for months, cause you to become a prisoner in your new home, destroy your work, education, relationship with parents, friends. It was hell. Until you've lived through that you have no idea how you'd feel about future relationships.

My & my DCs safety is my number one concern.

DP & I have been together for a very long time. He has never had an issue with this before. The DCs can always choose to put him on bc when they are old enough to make that decision for themselves.

As for 'if I died' we live with extended family anyway so they'd just carry on with that. All our pils get on well, there wouldn't be disputes.

It might be unconventional but it's worked for us for a long time.

As for the comments about feminism, no one who is even slightly well informed thinks it's about 'equality'. That's called 'equalism'. Feminism is about female liberation. Liberation from patriarchal customs such as this which endangers women's lives.

OP posts:
BluebeardsSidekick · 18/05/2015 16:43

He has the right to discuss it, raise it, address it. He doesn't have the right to insist, bully, persist Alibabs. If he persisted in demanding a different outcome in the knowledge that the OP is adamant the answer is no and that her decision was arrived at due to past abuse than I would consider his persistence abusive in itself.

It's all irrelevant really, isn't it? The OP isn't looking to have her own mind changed. She's venting and expressing anxiety about how her DP's change of mind has made her feel.

scallopsrgreat · 18/05/2015 16:44

I think quite a few people on this thread are working off the premise that men and women are treated equally and have similar amounts of power in society. This is not the case.

I can understand where you are coming from Jackie. I haven't got time at the moment to expand on that at the moment but hopefully will when I get home tonight

Flowers
Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 16:46

I am sorry you have endured such trauma and that has clearly had a lasting affect on you but you have no right to keep your DP off the BC. YOU do not own the children and their father has as much right to be seen legally as a parent as you do.

As others have tried to explain not having him on their will not mean he can never see his children should you split. He could drag you through the courts to get PR and that would be another traumatic experience for you.

Maybe the change in heart comes because with DC1 he wanted to support you and make you feel safe and to trust him. Now after several years he may feel that he has proved to you that he is a good man and that it is time YOU recognised that by allowing him on the BC. Trust works both ways OP.

I agree with PP who said you need counselling. You clearly are still badly affected and you probably need professional help to help you move on.

strawberrypenguin · 18/05/2015 16:48

I think you are being unfair to your DP sorry.

He wants to acknowledge that he is the father of your children on their birth certificate that's all. I imagine it's come up now because he's thinking about the birth of your second DC.
Turn it around for a minute and put yourself in his shoes - it must be very hurtful for him to know that you trust him so little you don't even want him to have his name associated with his own children.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 16:55

Liberation from patriarchal customs such as this which endangers women's lives.

Naming both parents on the BC does not endanger women's lives. The men who choose to abuse them do, the agencies that refuse to listen to abused women do, the lack of funding and resources do but the naming of both parents on the BC does not.

You are clearly still in a bad place and I know you wanted support from this thread and you do have it just not the way you wanted from every poster.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/05/2015 16:55

Have you read any of the posts that point out that being off the BC makes no difference in terms of his rights in law? The woman whose XP kidnapped their child and got a residence order in her absense despite not being on the bc? How he can apply to court and be on there in a matter of days?
I think you need therapy to be honest not a load of validation by online strangers. You have plenty of sympathy for your experiences but your response here is dysfunctional and unfair to your children primarily but also to your non abusive partner.

AnImpalaCalledBABY · 18/05/2015 16:55

As well as being unfair to your DP I think you are being terribly unfair to your children

You might feel as though you are 'protecting' them (from a loving committed father?) but you are being very selfish and making something that is about them about you and your past

Wotsitsareafterme · 18/05/2015 17:07

Jackie you cannot assume that none of us have experienced domestic abuse. We have.
You are still being very unreasonable. Children are not possessions and your dp is not responsible for your past experiences.

Spell99 · 18/05/2015 17:08

I don't think it matters what he has agreed to previously, if he has come to the conclusion that it is not in his children's interest he has a duty to at least address it. Who wouldn't?

He may well have agreed knowing that it doesn't affect his rights at all, its simply a matter of admin. In actual fact keeping him of the BC for the reasons stated could work for him in court, at least in terms of perception. However he might just be thinking about his children now, how they will feel when they find out, how to explain it etc.

TeiTetua · 18/05/2015 17:10

It's obvious that people here think a feminist relationship is one where the partners have equal rights and responsibilities concerning their children. Putting it all on the mother seems like a very backward step. I'm sorry that you've suffered so badly, but you're taking a very pessimistic view of what a relationship can be, as though the past is always likely to occur again.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 18/05/2015 17:10

Jackie the stance you are taking is about having an illusion of control. You leaving him off the BC changes nothing in terms of the access or 'rights' he would have in relation to your children in the event of you splitting up with him.

The only thing it changes is the dynamic in your relationship.

Stillyummy · 18/05/2015 17:16

If you split up he will go to court for a DNS test and the BC will be amended and he will have all the rights he would have had anyway. The way your doing this just means that it will be more burocratic and there outcome would be the same, or maybe worse for you as you will look unreasonable and like you are trying to stop access.

This is not your birth certificate. This is your child's birth certificate.

Stillyummy · 18/05/2015 17:17

DNA

Amethyst24 · 18/05/2015 17:17

As long as he was never violent I'd always let him have fair access to dcs so I said to him why does he want it unless he doesn't trust me?

But you don't trust him not to become violent. It seems the lack of trust in this relationship goes both ways, and if I were you I'd want to take a long hard look at that.

I'm really sorry you've had awful experiences in the past, Jackie, but I (and I am a feminist) feel huge sympathy for your partner on this one.

TheBlackRider · 18/05/2015 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 18/05/2015 17:38

H
it's not up to you what access he would have, whether you consider it fair or not.
If he did go through the courts to get parental responsibility then honestly I think it would go against you that you refused to put him on the bcs when he wanted to be on them.
The days of unmarried fathers having no rights are long gone. If you sPl it up he can apply for and get, 50/50 custody.
and don't insult others by assuming those disagreeing with you have never walked in your shoes. I could have posted that para about your past, myself. But I choose to out it in the past and not let it affect my present and future.
But when I then met a good man and had children with him, it simply never occurred to me to deliberately leave him off the birth cert. he is their father, end of.

MrsDeVere · 18/05/2015 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amethyst24 · 18/05/2015 18:00

The closest parallel I can think of to this is if a women and a man met, his ex wife cheated on him so he didn't want to get married again. She was in agreement with this, but X years and 2 DC down the line, felt she wanted the security and validation of marriage. What would we say to that?

PintOfJohnSmiths · 18/05/2015 18:04

Support is not about telling people they are in the right when they are not.

You had a horrific time with an ex, its understandable you have anxiety, but you say you've been with your partner for years, i think you need counselling, you are making him suffer for something that happened a lot of years ago, he is their father, you trusted him enough to have 2 children with him, its just not right

DixieNormas · 18/05/2015 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YonicScrewdriver · 18/05/2015 18:21

Jackie

I am really sorry you had such a bad time previously. I think this is something you and your DP need to talk through, with a counsellor if required.

As others have said, if your DP was to leave, he could apply then for PR and there's no reason to think he wouldn't be granted it. You cannot protect yourself in the way you are hoping to with this action.

He may have been steeling himself to bring this up for a while - it may even be the "what happens of something happens to Jackie on childbirth?" that has triggered it.

Best of luck Flowers

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