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Original poster

DP wants to go on new DC's BC

525 replies

Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 14:03

He has just raised this out of the blue.

He isn't on our eldest DC's bc. That's never caused a problem. Now he's saying he wants that changed too.

I know this is 'normal practice' (hence posting on fwr not aibu/chat/parenting/relationships) but it's made me really anxious.

It came so out of the blue, I didn't have much of a response prepared. I said it hadn't caused any problems so why change. I said I didn't want to give up my exclusive rights. He said why and I gave the hypothetical scenario of him running off with a younger woman then being able to restrict where I live etc after a split.

He knew about my stance on this before we had dc1. He knows I had a very bad relationship experience before him (life threatening violence, stalking and breaking into new house after break up type stuff) so I just won't ever feel 100% safe with any man ever and need to have the security that I could escape if that happened again. From my PoV if he was on bc he could potentially use this power to continue to abuse me even if I left. (So many threads like that on relationships board and I know some irl examples too)

As long as he was never violent I'd always let him have fair access to dcs so I said to him why does he want it unless he doesn't trust me?

I'm now going to be constantly worried he'll bring it up again. Maybe he won't. I'll not mention it if he doesn't.

OP posts:
Nolim · 18/05/2015 15:00

Op what happens if something happens to you and your dp has no parental rights?

PintOfJohnSmiths · 18/05/2015 15:01

sorry i forgot this is the feminism board.. so we must all concur that a bloke must absolutely be deprived of his children, opinions and feelings because he has a penis

I suspect she posted here rather than on the relationships board as she was expecting replies of "you gave birth to those children, why should he be on the birth certificate" or other such nonsense

museumum · 18/05/2015 15:05

OP - what if you die? do you not want your children's father to look after them? have you any reason to not want that?

if he's a good involved father then i'd hate to see them go to social services foster care while he pursues dna proof of paternity and court orders etc :(

Original poster
Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 15:10

lurcio thanks

It's seems that all the feminists are AWOL from fwr today. Sad

It is a 'changing the goalposts' issue. It has worked for us for several years. Nothing anyone can say will change my mind. I'm not looking for a debate, just support. I don't have to justify myself to people who haven't walked in my shoes.

OP posts:
MinimumPayment · 18/05/2015 15:13

What about the children though? What does happen if something happens to you?

CinnabarRed · 18/05/2015 15:16

In exactly the same way that I can't support the women who post in Relationships asking for help to stay with abusive partners, so I can't support you here. I do wish you well though.

museumum · 18/05/2015 15:18

I am a feminist. Whatever you might think. But your children have a right to correct documentation, their Birth Certificate is theirs, not yours, they will have it for the rest of their lives, by omitting their known, involved father you are essentially faking a legal document.

If this would indeed protect you in some way or give you the freedom you want then given your traumatic past it might be understandable but it won't, your dp will always be able to ask a court for a paternity test and will always be linked to his children by law. And they will always have the right to him, as a father.

DuncanQuagmire · 18/05/2015 15:18

" It's seems that all the feminists are AWOL from fwr today "

demanding 'exclusive rights' over children and refusing to acknowledge their father is not really a 'feminist' stance Jackie.

Nolim · 18/05/2015 15:18

Nothing anyone can say will change my mind. I'm not looking for a debate, just support.

And you cannot change ppls minds that a parent has every right to have parental responsibility. Even feminists.

Wotsitsareafterme · 18/05/2015 15:28

I'm a feminist. Feminism is about achieving equal rights yes? You are trying to deny your dc parents equal rights.
In your defence I see your issue about him being fine with it in the past. However I think we all view parenting in the abstract until we have our own dc and then being able to make decisions about them and having rights over them etc becomes very real and relevant. I can see why he has changed his mind.

But as others have said, him not being on the certs won't stand up in court. If you denied they were his a judge would order a dna test whether you liked it or not. Plus it would take longer to get child maintenance if he denies paternity.

This isn't feminism or anything like it. This is denying a father pr because someone else treated you badly. I really wonder about the footing of this relationship Hmm

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/05/2015 15:34

It's not actually fair to your kids to keep him off their birth certificate. It's also pointless in terms of protecting yourself/them from abuse. I know a woman whose child was kidnapped by their father who then obtained a residence order without her knowledge. She had it overturned but he wasn't on the BC and he, unlike your DP, was abusive.

FlaviaAlbia · 18/05/2015 15:34

In the nicest possibly way OP, although you have reason to be, you're being irrational about this. You're building a false sense of security for yourself because your partner could apply to a court at any time to be granted parental rights and be put onto the birth certificates.

Would you consider relationship counselling? It will let you both talk though the issues with an unbiased mediator.

For what it's worth, I'm a feminist, I believe in equal rights, not women's rights only.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 18/05/2015 15:38

This isnt a Feminist issue OP. Your child has a right to have both their parenta formally identified on their birth certificate.There may, in some instance, be a reason why the fathers information should be witheld (unknown, violent, paedophile, murderer etc).

In this instance, I think you have been incredibly unkind to your DP and your DCs in refusing.

You chose to have children with this man.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 15:38

It's seems that all the feminists are AWOL from fwr today.

What because hardly anyone agrees with you...thats rich. What in the hell made you think that feminists would agree that taking a fathers PR away from him was ok?

FWR is not about getting one over on men or denying a loving father his rights and if you think it is then you need to read this board more often.

Maybe OP you railroaded your DP in to agreeing not to be on the BC the first time. Maybe he has spent the last few years realising that it is wrong he is not on the BC.

You do not have my support but your DP does. EQUAL RIGHTS is key and you are denying him that.

Nolim · 18/05/2015 15:38

Would you consider relationship counselling? It will let you both talk though the issues with an unbiased mediator.

I second counselling.

NerrSnerr · 18/05/2015 15:44

I agree that this is not a feminist issue. It's not fair on your partner that what has happened with previous partners sbould step on his rights. If you don't trust him enough to be an equal parent you shouldn't have had children with him.

If you died I'm assuming your children would have to go through the added trauma of DNA testing and hearings to be able to live with their dad. They need to come first in this.

MrBloomFantasies · 18/05/2015 15:46

lurcio although not currently, op is saying that in a situation where she was not with her dp then she does not want him on bc on the basis that he would have equal parental responsibility.. see what i mean?

and for the record I have had problems with this, i have had to get emergency injunction and even actually had my ds kidnapped before i had to get papers to go with police to get him back, was mainly due to mil actually but no this would still not stop me wanting the dad on my childs bc because children aren't possessions and they're not to be treated as such.

MrsDeVere · 18/05/2015 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wotsitsareafterme · 18/05/2015 15:54

Nerr - exactly.

I couldn't have a relationship with these caveats

BitOutOfPractice · 18/05/2015 15:55

Hello OP. I'm guessing you're finding these replies rather bruising.

But do try and take the time to read them and take in what people are saying.

It seems to me that you are punishing / not trusting your current DP rather unfairly because of the actions of your previous DP. It's understandable that you are wary because what you went through sounds horrific.

But I do think you might benefit from counselling to help you deal with what happened because it truly sounds like you haven't and it is still casting a very large shadow over you and your current relationship

It's certainly a bit disingenous to post this as a feminist issue in the hope that everyone will aggree with you on the basis that you are female

I wish you all the very best OP and hope you're OK

Spydra · 18/05/2015 16:00

What's his motivation behind his change of heart?

OrangeJuiceSandwich · 18/05/2015 16:01

This is ridiculous. The BC is a leal document. He can get himself added without your consent anyway, as, shock horror, he is the Father.

How utterly bizarre to have children with a man but not allow him to be on their BC.

PotteringAlong · 18/05/2015 16:04

If feminism is about equality how can you be so patently unfair to a man who wants just that.

What happens to your children if you die or are incapacitated and he has no parental rights?

It's not often I read something which I think might be a deal breaker for me in a relationship but this might be it.

shaska · 18/05/2015 16:27

Feminist here.... I see where you're coming from but unfortunately I don't think you're looking at it quite straight.

I think it's totally understandable to want to protect yourself and your children from what you went through. However, leaving the father of the BC actually offers very little protection - he can still apply for custody through the courts.

It also doesn't protect you from any actions he may or may not take- from a way he might treat you.

So to me it seems like your feelings around this issue might be worth exploring with a counsellor.

good luck and sorry if that wasn't what you wanted to hear

Coastingit · 18/05/2015 16:31

Shock at this!

I'm a feminist and think what you have done and want to continue to do to your DP is pretty appalling. He is your children's father, legally and for all practical and emotional purposes.

Unfortunately, if the shit were to hit the fan for any reason - injury, death, abuse, anything - he will still be their legal father regardless of whether he is on the bc, as many have pointed out already.

Your trust issues are a separate issue and you can always discuss them on here or in Relationships. But on this specific issue you are being utterly unreasonable and selfish, and your DP does not deserve being stripped of his parent status because of your own past bad experiences. You have to trust someone to coparent effectively - you are sending him huge signals that you don't trust him and he is asking you to trust him.

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