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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

DP wants to go on new DC's BC

525 replies

Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 14:03

He has just raised this out of the blue.

He isn't on our eldest DC's bc. That's never caused a problem. Now he's saying he wants that changed too.

I know this is 'normal practice' (hence posting on fwr not aibu/chat/parenting/relationships) but it's made me really anxious.

It came so out of the blue, I didn't have much of a response prepared. I said it hadn't caused any problems so why change. I said I didn't want to give up my exclusive rights. He said why and I gave the hypothetical scenario of him running off with a younger woman then being able to restrict where I live etc after a split.

He knew about my stance on this before we had dc1. He knows I had a very bad relationship experience before him (life threatening violence, stalking and breaking into new house after break up type stuff) so I just won't ever feel 100% safe with any man ever and need to have the security that I could escape if that happened again. From my PoV if he was on bc he could potentially use this power to continue to abuse me even if I left. (So many threads like that on relationships board and I know some irl examples too)

As long as he was never violent I'd always let him have fair access to dcs so I said to him why does he want it unless he doesn't trust me?

I'm now going to be constantly worried he'll bring it up again. Maybe he won't. I'll not mention it if he doesn't.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/05/2015 21:48

Jackie, love. My advice to you is to get off MN for now and go and talk to your partner. Thanks

TheBlackRider · 18/05/2015 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 18/05/2015 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shaska · 18/05/2015 22:27

I know a man whose partner didn't want him on the birth certificate, because she wanted to be the person with sole rights to the child.

The relationship ended up breaking down and he has had to be very very careful in his relationship with his ex, as while he is on the BC he made other concessions that could make it look as though he's not as involved in the child's life as he is, and has said many times he's glad at least that he is on the BC should it come to court - which he's hoping it won't. This is probably an unclear paragraph, I'm fairly sure he's on MN so don't want to be too specific!

Anyway, I'd never have thought this couple would end up in this situation but they have and it has made me think long and hard about making concessions to a partner's feelings when it comes to children. I wouldn't be surprised if someone could have the same epiphany, even if it was after they'd had one child, if they were considering another.

I actually hope OP isn't still around and don't want to belittle her feelings or experience - I really do think it's, as others have said, a conversation rather than a right/wrong- and not a feminist issue.

Coastingit · 18/05/2015 22:44

Exactly what MrsDevere just said.

It's about control and trust.

scallopsrgreat · 18/05/2015 22:57

No Regina, that's not what I said. I also didn't say he was directly oppressing her. He is part of the oppressive class, though.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 23:02

He is part of the oppressive class, though.

Why because he is a man?

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 23:04

And yes you did say that scallop

scallopsrgreat · 18/05/2015 23:07

Yes.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 23:09

So what are you saying that women should never be with a man?

Penfold007 · 18/05/2015 23:10

Your children are not your sole property. You chose to have children with this man and you continue to have a relationship with him.
What right do you have to deny your children their father on their birth certificate?
If you have issues get counselling don't burden the children with your issues .

scallopsrgreat · 18/05/2015 23:17

I was responding to your comment about how true feminists should behave. I never said anything about how women should behave. I was commenting on how society expected women to behave.

And no I am not saying women shouldn't be with men (although they absolutely shouldn't have to be if they don't want to be and that decision should not be detrimental to them in other ways). I am saying that men are the oppressive class. Women are expected to live with them and love them (by society) and that can cause problems.

OutsSelf · 18/05/2015 23:18

I'm with Scallops and ugly. No this guy isn't the abuser but he does sit in the same position of privilege and power, which I think could be tough with OP's history. I wonder if people could just be a bit kinder, a bit less keen to dismiss her anxiety in the circumstances?

I think though, OP, the protection you think this affords you is not that clear. I also wonder if your DP maybe broached it because he thought it might be a sort of, 'look how far we've come' measure. Perhaps you could rethink its symbolic value as a couple and make a decision together about how to move forward?

BitchPeas · 18/05/2015 23:19

OP are you going to acknowledge the fact that wether you 'let' him or not he can have his name added to the birth certificate with a court order?

You have a false sense of security which, really, is no security at all.

Is that worth throwing your relationship with your children's father away?

Try counselling for your past. Don't make your children and partner suffer for someone else crimes.

scallopsrgreat · 18/05/2015 23:20

Thank you Outself. That's exactly what I meant!

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 23:23

But aren't men expected to love and live with women?

So I am not a true feminist because I have chosen to love, live and have children with a man?

nooka · 18/05/2015 23:24

Women aren't required to live with or love men though, women can choose to live alone or with other women. They can opt to have children alone or without men too. Some women who have difficult relationships will chose to avoid men, and that's fine of course. However if you choose to have a relationship and children with a man it's not fair to deny them an acknowledgment of their parenthood for reasons that have nothing to do with their actions.

One of my male relatives had a relationship and a child with a woman who had had a previous abusive relationship and her control issues destroyed their relationship. It was terribly sad and damaging for all three of them. It's very difficult to love someone who fundamentally doesn't trust you.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 23:26

No this guy isn't the abuser but he does sit in the same position of privilege and power, which I think could be tough with OP's history

Because he is a man?

At the moment I think it is the OP who holds all the cards. She can register the birth of her child and not include the DP....that puts her in power does it not?

Isn't her DP the one asking her permission to be legally recognised as the father of their children?

Anyone can hold a position of power in a relationship it actually doesn't matter what gender they are.

OutsSelf · 18/05/2015 23:26

Men being expected to love and live with women doesn't endanger them in the way that women are endangered by this. For example, the two women a week killed by partners/ exes.

That's just an observation, not an instruction to stop living with men Regina

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 23:30

That's just an observation, not an instruction to stop living with men Regina Oh good cos ya know I was totally taking everything you said as gospel Hmm

So because some men commit atrocious crimes against women living with any man is dangerous?

OutsSelf · 18/05/2015 23:30

Regina, however a woman organises her personal relationships, she can't have access to make power and privilege. That's what I was referring to. The notion of male power privilege. Which OP's current partner has in common with her ex, welcome or otherwise.

scallopsrgreat · 18/05/2015 23:31

I really don't understand where you are getting this true feminist stuff from Regina. I'm not telling anyone what they should be doing or how to do feminism.

I'm pointing out the power differentials at play and the difficult position that puts women in.

"But aren't men expected to love and live with women?" Men aren't oppressed by women though.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 23:32

You are talking out of your arse Out

Sorry but you are. I have power and privilege in my relationship because I am with somebody who loves and respects me and sees us as equals.

The only thing her current DP has in common with her ex is a dick.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 23:34

It is because I don't understand you scallop

You are pointing out all the power her DP has because he is a man but you are failing to acknowledge that actually in this case SHE has the power and is actually oppressing him by not allowing him to be legally recognised as a parent of their children.

OutsSelf · 18/05/2015 23:35

No, Regina. It's more like, male violence against women is part of the larger power relations between men and women. To be socialised as a woman is to be brought up against the backdrop of that. It seems a bit unfair to expect OP to just, you know, get over it in the context of her personal history.