Men who fantasise about rape (Trigger?)

[alicemalice]

Hope I don't trigger anyone with this thread.

I've been online dating for a bit and chatting to this guy who I seemed to have a lot in common with.

Looking at his answers on Okcupid, there's one that said 'Do you have fantasies about rape?' to which he replied, yes.

This really bothers me. I understand it's not real and I suspect rape fantasies are quite common. But still, I find it very off-putting.

I also find it odd that he answered it so publicly.

Are rape fantasies so common they're seen as fairly normal?

A grown man can be forcibly - erm, enveloped by a woman. Some groups say this happens more often we know. It's not rape in UK law, but not far off the same thing. I'd bet my non-existent fortune that a lot of men suffer sexual coercion by women.

I agree that it happens more than we realise, but no where near as much as the reverse. Most of my female friends have suffered sexual violence from men to some degree. But I've never seen or heard of a man being violated by a woman.

Joe you seem terribly terribly young and naive to me.

I'm going to re-post something I put on another thread a few days ago :

"I am a dominant woman. I do the hitty things to men. And I like it and they do too. It's fun. And that's what everyone who has read Fifty Shades thinks it's all about. Light and a bit of a laugh. A little bit edgy.

Leaving aside male doms who abuse their power and position. And rape. And sexually assault. And lie and cheat and every other damn thing.

My kink is control - complete and utter control. I am a headfuck of massive proportions. I have to actually keep myself in check at all times because of how far and how sadistic in terms of fucking with a sub's head I could be. I don't ever over step a boundary, I don't ever do anything that hasn't been agreed, but I'm probably the most sadistic person I know. And that's not in a beat you til you bleed way that's a could destroy your mind kind of a way.

Now, are you ready for someone like me in your life? Because, if you're not exceedingly careful, that's what you'll get. Only they won't have the scruples and moral compass that I do.

And to be clear. I never have taken it as far as I could. I would never actually do that. It's not fair, reasonable, safe, sane, consensual or practical. But I could. I know I could. I know that exists inside me."

Now, tell me that wouldn't do harm if I let it loose?

Erm...well..

..Yes, this is precisely the quandary. Either something dark exists within men which has to be controlled, sublimated and repressed..

..or something dark exists within us all.

We then need to reconsider what loving someone really means.

Why do you think it only exists within men?

Good grief, of course something dark exists within us all!

And what on earth does having something dark within us mean we have to reconsider what loving someone really means?

Empire. Good idea!

Good idea

It's encouraged in men, given freer rein in men. But probably had the potential to be present in anyone.

I'm with Empire on this one. It is my belief (not that I have any proof) that on the whole, men are socialised to believe that whatever they want is 'right', and damn the consequences. Women as a generalisation, are not.

And as mature adults, isn't it up to each of us to resist the evil that lurks within? What does it say about us as humans and society, that more men commit violence and acts of aggression then?

I would see this (sexual preferences) as entirely in line with other issues around gender.

In that there is a range of sexual behaviours / preferences which both men and women may be drawn to

That society and the mainstream media strongly impose gender roles on these preferences as they do other gender roles

That it is very difficult to unpick what is nature and what is nurture - what is innate and what is learnt - as we are all submerged in socialisation from day 1.

And of course, as with everything else, on top of nature / nurture there is a whole other bunch of stuff going into it - background, experiences, all sorts of stuff.

So what am I? Some sort of exception? Abomination?

Well, then perhaps all of life is just sublimated power, Everything is about controlling people and using them to your advantage to some degree. It's a depressing thought. Just read Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. in it, this traumatized WW1 vet comes to believe that:

“One cannot bring children into a world like this. One cannot perpetuate suffering, or increase the breed of these lustful animals, who have no lasting emotions, but only whims and vanities, eddying them now this way, now that....For the truth is ... that human beings have neither kindness, nor faith, nor charity beyond what serves to increase the pleasure of the moment. They hunt in packs. Their packs scour the desert and vanish screaming into the wilderness"

It's a kind of total nihlism and cynicism that's quite persuasive if you believe that that darkness exists in all relationships.

Helga, you can't respect your sub, surely? How could fucking with someone's head be a respectful or loving choice?

Frau, not an exception or an abomination but maybe less common for a woman than a man to take your stance - ?

Um...

You're an adult woman who posts on a website for parents sometimes who has certain sexual preferences that she indulges with consenting adult male partners?

I do utterly respect any sub I'm with.

I don't let myself have full reign to where I might take it - anything between me and a sub is discussed talked through and talked over some more. Lines are drawn, and I never cross them.

But I need to be in control. Sexually.

So what am I? Some sort of exception? Abomination?

No I don't think so Frau, you have already said that you play within a certain set of guidelines and ethics which suit your situation. I respect that.

I am oh I don't know, discussions like this make me feel uncomfortable because I'm aware I make others uncomfortable. Me, what I am, it doesn't fit well in normal sexual interaction.