Stranger "hits" DD - am I over-reacting?

[rosabud]

My DD is 17. Today she was on the bus on the way home from school (6th form so not in uniform). It was crowded and old people were tutting at her and making it obvious she should give up her seat for them (there were free seats towards the back of the bus - not sure that is relevant). Nomally she would have given up her seat but she was tired, had been in an AS exam which had gone horribly wrong and her back was hurting. Personally, I think she should still have given up her seat.......but don't think that's an excuse for what happened next.

A seat behind her became vacant and, as an old man (in his 70s, she thinks) sat down in it, he hit/slapped her across the shoulder ('quite' hard - but not hard enough to cause injury) and told her that she should give up her seat for an old man next time. DD apologised and tried to explain about the exam and her back - but he did not answer her. Old people continued to tut at her and she sat there and cried!

She should have given up her seat, I think. But I am really angry that a man thinks he had the right to hit/slap her! Would he have done that to an older person like myself? Would he have done that to a teenage boy - I don't think so, surely he would have been too wary of being punched back?!

I am so cross! How dare he?! Am I over-reacting?

Blimey - we have "hitting", we have "slapping", we have "attacking" the OP's DD. Knowing what 17yr old girls can be like, are you absolutely sure she wasn't exaggerating? Did he just tap her on the shoulder as he sat down to say 'oi, you should have given up your seat'. Girls ARE prone to exaggeration, let's not deny that. Of course if he whacked her across the shoulder hard, he really should not have done, but I would have been questioning my DD very very closely as to (1) what really happened (2) did he really hit, slap or attack her, and (3) why the heck didn't she just go to the back of the bus.

As for it being a 'gender' issue... WTF. Surely it's a 'people' issue. It could have just as easily been an old lady having a go at a young lad. Gender is irrelevant.

"Girls are prone to exaggeration". Are they? What, ALL of them? Does that apply in other violent incidents as well? Eg rape. I thought MN made a point of believing women when they make such complaints.

I agree with you. It is a gender issue.

I know quite a few old men who would happily give an earnest slap to chastise a teenager on a bus, esp a seemingly non threatening teenager, such as a young female.
Alternatively they would not dare do this to a seemingly threatening teenager, such as large male.

I also hate the tutting as a form of communication.

"Girls ARE prone to exaggeration,"

Really? Just girls? Or women too? Obviously boys and men are impeccably factual at all times, so no need to worry about that.

Please stop the ageism, though. An unpleasant man hit the OP's dd.

Well, the OP said "hit" in inverted commas in her title. So I think that's what is causing the questioning here. She put the word in inverted commas as I assume she is not quite sure what happened and nor, perhaps, is her DD. Hence not knowing what's the appropriate level of response. It's not necessarily victim blaming going on - it's trying to picture what actually happened.

Gender isn't irrelevant. It was a man hitting a girl. It wasn't a woman hitting a girl. Or a girl hitting a man. Or a woman hitting a man.

Very specific power dynamics going on there. You only hit people you feel entitled to hit. In the society we live in male violence against women is a huge issue. It is ignored and minimised. This man felt fully entitled to hit this girl and he knew that because society tells him its OK.

I don't give a flying fuck if she didn't move or whether she was right to stay sat down, he had absolutely no right putting his hands on her. Vile man.

Oh that's it, teen girl MUST be exaggerating.

No wonder so many teen girls don't report abuse, sexual or otherwise.

The man was wrong to hit her, regardless of any perceived bad behaviour on her part. I'm not sure it is a gender issue. I was at a museum with my son, when he walked inadvertently in front of an older man blocking his view of an exhibit. The man kicked him, hard! I know u saw the whole thing, in shock. My son didn't retaliate he was just too shocked also.

I saw

OK... I rephrase that. TEEN girls are prone to exaggeration. Not all of them. SOME of them. Also there are feisty old women out there who would quite easily chastise a young male teen, I can't think of this as a gender issue.

Reddeb, what did you do?

Male teens don't end up getting slapped on the arse.. aka sexual abuse.

To all you victim blamers just take the word elderly out of the OP, you are then left with "man hit 17 year old girl". Still acceptable is it?

I stood there mouth open wide for a few moments. Then went and told museum curator who had him removed. I did wonder later if I should have reported him to the police, but truthfully it was meant to be a nice day out and I didn't want to ruin it further by taking a trip down to the police station for the rest of the day. I don't know if I did the right thing though.

Absolutely right Tequila - although my DH got his bum pinched in the pub last week - it made his day.

DH got his bum smacked in Liverpool City centre by a bridesmaid a few years ago. He was delighted too.

Spot on Tequilla, re your post on teenage girls accused of exaggerating. No wonder they are hesitant to disclose abuse indeed.

"I can't think of this as a gender issue."

There are people who find it hard to think of anything as a gender issue- I think the Mumsnet phrase is "what about the menz?"

Don't be silly, Buffy- somebody's husband got his bum smacked in Liverpool a few years ago. Of course women being violent to men is a huge issue....................

It only doesn't make the press because of the feminazi stranglehold on the media.

Buffy I am just saying in this instance it could just have easily been an elderly lady having a go at a young lad. You are twisting my words and making sweeping generalisations as to what I mean. I am commenting on this paricular instance - I am not talking about the whole of womanhood in society.

Yep- that's the one!

No man or woman has a right to hit another man or woman, regardless of age [unless they are about 2 years old[and unless they are mentally ill][and unless it is self defence]