Is this a compromise too far? I'd like a feminist viewpoint on this.

[UndercoverFeminist]

OK, I've set up a new account for this, so if you work out who I am, please don't give my regular name.

dh & I have been having major troubles - not many big arguments, but we are now pretty much at an impasse. we are still good friends & get a lot of emotional support from each other, but there is no 'wow' factor, or wish for one, or anything on either side.

we would also like more freedom/flexibility than a traditional marriage allows for.

however, if we split up & live separately, as well as all the emotional fall out (and bot our families will see this as a worse-than-death scenario, and never get over it), there are a huge number of practical difficulties.

basically, we would go from being financially comfortable, happily co-parenting, able to help out etc etc, to having barely enough money to support two houses, no family support & single parents, no companionship etc.

the house we live in is big enough that we have separate rooms, and dh works from home in an office, we kind of live amicable, but fairly separate lives, with dd happy.

HOWEVER - dh just assumes I will do most/all 'wifework'. It has been one of our big issues & one I don't see being resolved. IF we split up, he would have to pay spousal and child support. So if we acknowledge that we are 'over' but continue to co-exist in the same house, I would benefit from his higher salary, and having a back-up parent on hand, but be stuck with being a 'housewife', plus having work.

but then I would be in that position anyway if we split up, and with significantly less money & support.

we live thousands of miles from family, so we could be fairly open about our situation here, without the trauma of telling parents that we're getting divorced.

I have to log off for a while, but would love to know how you lot think this could work out. am i being a complete idiot to think about a 'house share' rather than separating completely?

[solidgoldbrass]

This man wants you as a domestic servant while he does what he likes, including having sex with other women. There is no way you can work out a reasonable compromise with someone who really doesn't consider you as a person at all. You need to put yourself and DD first, concentrating on meeting your needs and hers, let him suit himself.

[UndercoverFeminist]

Keep losing my message
Agree wig sag but want to move on

[UndercoverFeminist]

He does do quite a bit with dd. If I stay here he will take dd at least once a week and there have never been any problems with him taking care of. Her while I go out.

In the Uk would get no support or help at all and have no job or hope of a house. Wehave been here long enough that this is home as much as anywhere and I love my job here. I did at first think that I would return to Uk but realize that I'd rather stay here for now. I want to stay for me, not him.

[UndercoverFeminist]

If I'm not around he does fine, bothtaking care of himself and/or dd. As soon as I'm there, even if working longer hours than him, he just switchesoff or does the min. Of course, he then makes little comments about how he keeps the house cleaner than I do

[UndercoverFeminist]

Genuine Q reject, how am I a parasite?
He earns more, I do more, who is contributing the most? I do earn btw, just ATM not enough to fully support me AND dd by myself. He also doesn't earn enough to support him & dd alone, hence why it's so hard to work out.

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

UF, please don't let reject worry you. S/he has been elsewhere in this section posting nasty and unconstructive comments ... sounds as if there are ishoos.

Hope you are ok - I've not had any advice to offer I'm afraid, but I am thinking of you.

[UndercoverFeminist]

Yes, I've seen reject about this eve. Still would like to hear a considered answer as it would explain my H to me a bit

Having an 'interesting' weekend away of family fun. May need to play bullshit bingo when I'm back home and have a chance of privacy. There have been a few classic cmoments so far

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

Sorry to hear that.

[UndercoverFeminist]

I'm kind of detached from most of it and just think 'I must tell mm that' in a semi amused way.
So glad I started this thread and can be anon. I really like being able to be honestbut still be on mm as my normal me. I think it helps to be able to separate this so I can step back

Still waiting for an intelligent response from reject. I really do want to hear a counter balance to fem issues. Not the crap ones, but properly argued points, so I can make an informed decision

[UndercoverFeminist]

Having a sleepless night and just had a thought I hadn't thunk before

I am having trouble moving on as H can be caring, considerate, fun, supportive etc and part of me really believes that you don't end a marriage unless it is really over.

But if we separate/divorce, and that turns out to have been a huge mistake, it isn't an irreversible decision. Staying put and dragging things on isn't resolving things, but if we split up we'd know if we were happier that way or not, whereas now I'm just unsure.

I'm not thinking that this would be some Hollywood ending, just that if I'm 99%sure, I should go with that, knowing that being honest with H and sorting this out aspainlessly as possible, does not mean that I have set a pattern for life, just forthe next few years

Not sure if I'm explaining this well. Just that a divorce leads to a whole new set of possibilities, which I can't predict. It may even hold the option of H realizing his problems, dealing with thrived commitment to work andunhappy childhood. There's only a very tiny chance of that, but it won't happen while I keep propping him up. It may happen and I'm not interested ingesting back together

Waffling lots. Coming over all Scarlet O'Hara 'tomorrow's another day' type

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

FWIW, I've never been divorced but I think it's very rare for people to be 100% certain a relationship is over. So I think you are right about needing to go with it, to be honest.

[Perfectwhirled]

If you're that unhappy you should split and not stay together for the money.

If you are separated you don't really have any sway over him, you can't really leave him again can you? I lived with my ex for 6 months after we decided to split and it is very difficult to say the least. My ex had far higher standards on house-work and after we split still expected me to keep to the same standards.
Eh no I don't think so. The atmosphere was terrible.


Also you may find he would be relieved if you separate.

[rejectOfAllah]

^Genuine Q reject, how am I a parasite?
He earns more, I do more, who is contributing the most? I do earn btw, just ATM not enough to fully support me AND dd by myself. He also doesn't earn enough to support him & dd alone, hence why it's so hard to work out.^

You're not a parasite... that's not what I'm saying at all. But what you're talking about here (seeking the opinions of other about) is whether you should shut up and accept being in a subservient position (at least that's how it makes you feel) to someone you've fallen out of love with (by the sounds of it) for financial reasons. If you were to do that you would be behaving in a parasitical way... even then there's still a vast difference between being a parasite and behaving like one for a bit. Which is what you're really talking about, presumably once your kids have grown up and moved on, you'll then be honest with him and break up... for gods sake do yourself and him a favour... be honest with him now.

[rejectOfAllah]

LRDTheFeministDragon wrote:
^UF, please don't let reject worry you. S/he has been elsewhere in this section posting nasty and unconstructive comments ... sounds as if there are ishoos.

Hope you are ok - I've not had any advice to offer I'm afraid, but I am thinking of you.^

Well that's nice and welcoming isn't it? Are you judgemental and nasty towards every new poster, or just towards the ones who express opinions you dislike?

There are issues... 44 years of having members of your gender use and abuse me, lie to and manipulate me... there are bound to be issues really aren't there? Which is why I'm afraid I won't have members of your gender in my life anymore... too many of you don't give a toss about anything but your own thoughts and feelings and are prepared to screw anyone over to have what you want... so yes there are issues... and if you and your sisters don't like that I can give you the name and address of the last woman who decided to screw me over... and you can take it up with her... cause TBH I'm not interested enough to care about anything a woman thinks or feels anymore.

[rejectOfAllah]

startAfire wrote:

a parasite takes and feeds off of another without giving anything.

Yep, that's exactly what the OP is on about. Staying with her X because it suits her financially whilst giving nothing back to him... except of course the divorce papers once she has finished with him providing for herself and their children...

As I've said previously she needs to be honest enough to talk to her X and put her cards on the table... whilst that might lead to short term hardship... it might well lead to long term happiness for both her and her H.

[rejectOfAllah]

startAfire wrote:

as for your latter post i find it strange that someone who professes no interest in women's thoughts and feelings is hanging out not only on 'mumsnet' but also on the feminist section.

a little bizarre.

I find it bizarre that I should be condemned for commenting upon something I am personally living every damned day of my life... you see I have a wife who has decided to treat me in exactly the way the OP is talking about treating her H. So please you can lay off with the crap about how as a man I couldn't possibly understand... cause I understand alright... far too bloody well. I live the under the feminst mantra of if you don't like it you can fuck off and lose your kids.