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Original poster

Rape within marriage

1000 replies

tabouleh · 26/08/2010 15:28

Yes unashamedly a thread about a thread.

It is like entering the bloody twilight zone over there. Sad

Jeez there are MNers basically caring more about OP's husbands right to sex rather than believing OP and helping her.

Totally understand if this gets deleted for being a thread about a thread - but if it gets more of the feminist viewpoints onto that thread then great.

OP posts:
Gigantaur · 27/08/2010 00:41

i have no idea dolly.
i have only read this op and when i was scrolling back down to my own post i saw what portofino had posted.

i am assuming from the little i have seen that the op in th other thread told her husband no and she felt him penetrating her.

portofino is trying to say that this is not rape. that this woman should not feel degraded and used and as though she has been RAPED.

that somehow anyone that does think this simly wants to be a victim.

if my assumption about the other op's post is correct then yes i see similarities. the major one being that i was raped just like her

CaptainKirksNipples · 27/08/2010 00:42

That was my 'literally speechless emoticon' right there incase anyone was confused!

thedollyridesout · 27/08/2010 00:42

Trying to engage Gigantaur? It is a genuine question to which the only sensible answer is 'no'.

LadyBiscuit · 27/08/2010 00:42

So the first time it would be disrespectful, the second time it would be rape? FFS I don't believe this. I feel like I've wandered into the Stepford Wives

Gigantaur · 27/08/2010 00:46

would you like to explain to me how you think that it is different then?

why is it ok for her husband to put his penis inside her after she told him no. and yet it is not ok for my xp to have done the same thing? is it only rape then if i kicked and screamed? because i can tell you that i didn't always.

sometimes after we had been violant he would try to make up for it by having sex with me. he would say sorry and try to kiss me. i would say no but he would continue. i would lay there crying my eyes out and he would continue.

was that not rape though? i mean i didn't shout or scream and push him off. i didn't have the energy.

just how violant does it have to get before it is considered rape in your worl dolly?

Portofino · 27/08/2010 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Gigantaur · 27/08/2010 00:49

as i have said, i have not seen the other thread.
if my understanding of the event is correct - she said no, he penetrated anyway - i cannot see why should would need to exaggerate this for sympathy.

she has been sexually assualted. i think that is cause for anyone to require symapthy and understanding dont you?

dignified · 27/08/2010 00:49

Ffs. You know she doesnt Dolly.

Why is there this level of competition and how bad it has to be ? If someone broke into your house and stole thousands of pounds worth of stuff , and someone broke into mine stealing just my purse with a tenner , do you agree weve both experienced an upsetting intrusive event ?

I have experienced an abusive marriage to a sexually abusive man. He would sulk at me for weeks if i did not give in , yell and scream and generally make life unbearable , eventually he would do it anyway, and do you know what , the times i was pressured to do it through his sulking and blackmailing were just as bad as the times he just did it BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO and it felt just the same.

And as for " how shes suffered " , you really are a prick. I dont think shes traumatised by having a penis in her, shes had sex before , she is upset at having her feelings disrespected, her body violated , there isnt a scale. A person doesnt have to be violently attacked to be allowed to feel violated and upset.

Sansa · 27/08/2010 00:50

Portofino, you have a daughter. If she was the OP, would you want people to be talking to her the way you are to the OP?

There's disagreeing, and there is bullying, and TBH I think what you have done tonight goes way past bullying. You posted the same thing again and again - what is it you want from the OP?

vesuvia · 27/08/2010 00:51

The thing I dislike most about rape deniers, rape apologists and rape categorisers, who don't understand that most people agree with the law that rape is rape is rape, is this:

If they think it is not "real forced" rape or not even rape at all, why can't they just mutter their opinion to themselves inside their own heads and move on? Why do they come onto an MN thread to tell the victim, over and over and over again that it isn't "real forced" rape or isn't even rape at all?

MN is supposed to be supportive of all parents. I wonder what MNHQ make of all this.

Gigantaur · 27/08/2010 00:55

i don't understand how anyne can consider it not to be rape.

if he was told quite clearly that the answer is no and he then put his penis in her anyway how can that be anything but rape?

was it an accident? did he just slip and land between her legs and inside her vagina?

MmeLindt · 27/08/2010 00:55

I am horrified at this thread.

Portofino
Please stop posting. You are upsetting so many women, those who are posting and those who are lurking. If you have a different opinion then that is your perogative, but why you continue to post on this thread is a mystery to me.

This is not a hypothetical discussion about rape in marriage. That may be the thread title but it has long evolved into a discussion and support thread for Anchor.

For her and other rape victims to read your posts (and those of others on this thread), well it must be horrible.

I am not a man-hating feminist who thinks that men are to blame for everything that is wrong in this world and I am appalled at your posts.

dignified · 27/08/2010 00:55

And I am certainly not a fucktoy for my husbands pleasure. I have not bullied anyone.

Arent you ? I thought you said you just put up with it whether your in the mood or not. Cant be nice to be penetrated when your not aroused , and it cant be nice to havea husband whos happy to penetrate you knowing your not aroused.

And as for bullying, yes, you are, its not for you to decide how someone else should react or feel, her feelings are her own and they are valid because she feels them.

You keep stating that your objections are based on the fact it detracts from people who,ve genuineley suffered . Some of those people are here, and there not complaining, so why are you ?

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 27/08/2010 01:00

Portofino - 'Making a drama for her own reasons'? Hmm

WTF?

The OP didn't go to the police, demanding he be jailed for life.
She didn't walk out on him.
She started a thread on Mumsnet. In a calm, sensible, and thoroughly-explained way. How is that 'dramatic'?

thedollyridesout · 27/08/2010 01:02

Since when did the law become such a hallowed entity? We are sentient human beings that exist in a world full of intricasies.

Rape is understandably a sensitive issue but the majority of views on this thread are extreme. If it is simply a case of definition then ladies, have it you own way...she was raped. But I for one would not share my bed/home/children/life with a rapist - see, no double standards there.

So, are you all advocating that she up sticks and leaves...tonight? I thought not.

Portofino · 27/08/2010 01:02

"thought you said you just put up with it whether your in the mood or not. Cant be nice to be penetrated when your not aroused , and it cant be nice to havea husband whos happy to penetrate you knowing your not aroused."

Amd when did I say this was the case for me?

Portofino · 27/08/2010 01:03

"The OP didn't go to the police, demanding he be jailed for life.
She didn't walk out on him.
She started a thread on Mumsnet. In a calm, sensible, and thoroughly-explained way. How is that 'dramatic'?"

Exactly.

Sansa · 27/08/2010 01:03

Dolly, did you read Anchor's posts?

thedollyridesout · 27/08/2010 01:05

Yes

Portofino · 27/08/2010 01:06

I did too!

Original poster
tabouleh · 27/08/2010 01:06

Portofino MNHQ have DELETED one of your posts - doesn't that tell you that you need to be stepping away from this thread?

OP posts:
dignified · 27/08/2010 01:06

I assumed that to be the case , who was you referring to then when you said " sometimes you just put up with it "?

Sansa · 27/08/2010 01:08

dolly, even her one of 21:48:52?

I don't understand your stance. What do you want from Anchor?

MmeLindt · 27/08/2010 01:08

So, Dolly and Portofino, you would only class it as rape if Anchor had packed his bags or phoned the police?

Have you even read her posts where she states that she is going to speak to him and depending on his answers will make the decision about the future of her marriage.

No one said that she should throw him out. No one said that she should forgive and forget.

Most have applauded Anchor for the manner in which she has handled this situation.

Perhaps it was a terrible mistake that he made that he now bitterly regrets. It is up to Anchor to decide if she can get past the rape and try to save her marriage, if this is the case.

It will not mean that the rape did not happen.

Portofino · 27/08/2010 01:09

In the other thread you mean? Hypothetical question.

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