Rape within marriage

[tabouleh]

Yes unashamedly a thread about a thread.

It is like entering the bloody twilight zone over there.

Jeez there are MNers basically caring more about OP's husbands right to sex rather than believing OP and helping her.

Totally understand if this gets deleted for being a thread about a thread - but if it gets more of the feminist viewpoints onto that thread then great.

"I have not been raped/abused/bullied/beaten so I do not speak as someone who has 'an axe to grind'. That is not a good choice of phrase I know but I can't think of another way to put it."

I can - you don't really know what you're talking about. You think your lack of experience makes you objective; it doesn't, it just makes you uninformed.

OMG I haven't ever been raped! Because I wasn't dragged off the street, beaten black and blue, it wasn't actually rape. It was just a couple of men poking their willies at me.

I shall tell my friend who had a stranger force himself into her house and tie her to the floor and rape her that she wasn't raped either because she wasn't dragged off the street. If it happens in your own home, it can't possibly be real rape, it's some kind of Muller Light variety.

Jesus christ.

Portofino - how come normalitybites "qualifies" for your sympathy?

What is she reveals more of her situation and it doesn't meet your "criteria" for rape?

Will you then accuse her of attention seeking, try to dismiss anything which she has experienced?

super post arses

What anchor describes is pretty much how I lost my virginity. I guess according to Portofino it was fine for the boy I was seeing to do that to me because he didn't attack me in the street.

And dolly you never answered my question - if you told your husband you weren't interested and he continued regardless, how would you feel?

Portofino, im not sure what to make of this.
Either you have absorbed societys veiws that women are there to be fucked and are in a constant state of availability ( judging by your " putting up with it " comment i think its hit a nerve ), or your just a nasty person who is enjoying attacking Anchor.

Personally i think your struggling with your own feelings about this.

How can I be a sexist arsehole? Am I sexist? I'd like evidence to that. Am I uninformed? Probably I am very naive in some areas.

I would feel disrespected.

I haven't been raped (thank God) Dolly. I have no "history", no "axe to grind" (). I still think you are quite wrong about this.

Thank you for replying. But you wouldn't consider it rape? Is that because it's in the context of a relationship where you normally consent?

Jesus Christ.

If someone nicks your purse out of your handbag, is that not theft because proper theft is holding up a bank with a sawn-off shotgun?!

Unless ive got it wrong , i thought id read that most rapes occur between people who know each other, that stranger rapes are actually quite rare , and that rapes and assaults within a marriage are not all that unusual, just taboo to talk about.

I also read that an assault from a partner can be MORE traumatising than a stranger rape, because its someone you know and trust.
This myth crap really does need to change.

Portafino, youve happily fired questions at Anchor , so can i ask, why is it that you tolerate your husband having sex with you when you dont want to ?
And how do you feel about the fact hes ok having sex with a reluctant partner ?

Those of you who are unsupportive to rape victims - FFS DO NOT POST ON THAT THREAD.

The OP of that thread has said that this is the only section she can post on.

How bloody sad if you are your abhorrent views on rape are making the MN relationships board an unsafe place to post.

Thanks for the acknowledgements. I wish I had more to add - I hope this thread is still here in the morning so I can get the thoughts out in a semblance of order as you are all managing so eloquently.

I really don't know what else to say - I don't know if I 'qualify' for sympathy, that's not my intention - I am just - aghast - both at the conflicting ideas so openly discussed here and my own reaction to them, something I thought was long buried.

here

I am talking about only this situation. Anchor was in bed with her husband and not forced to do anything. She might have objected to his behaviour, but contrast with someone subjected to perform obscene acts at knifepoint. People on this thread are trying to make out that this is the SAME. How very fucking dare they! And I am sexist for mentioning it.

thedollyridesout wrote
"I have not been raped/abused/bullied/beaten so I do not speak as someone who has 'an axe to grind'."

It certainly hasn't stopped you having your say.

Regarding those bad experiences as triggers for grinding an axe is heartless.

This thread gets worse and worse and worse. I am so shocked by what I have been reading on this and the original thread. How awful that Anchor's account of her experience has generated such a negative response from some people.

Have the rape deniers and rape categorisers actually read the UK law on rape that I posted upthread at 21:31? It does NOT make a distinction between rape inside or outside marriage, even though some people think it does or should.

Portofino, she was forced into having sex, given that she had said no and had fallen back asleep.

NO porto. That is not what people are saying. Rape is not black and white. It's a lot of shades of grey. I think you'll find that those of us who have been raped by strangers or near strangers don't find it remotely disrespectful of our experiences. Penetration without consent is rape. Full stop.

moist i cannot read the entire thread. but i saw your first few posts about the trial.

what you described is precisely what happened with my xp. my son did often witness what happened.

The reactions from some of teh other jury memebers is exactly why i would never ever have considered a prosecution.

I cannot bring myself to read beyond the first few reasonable posts on this thread because quite frankly if i saw people i usually consider intelligent articulate women trying to convice me that unconsented penetration is anything but rape, and indeed is the womans fault for somehow not being a good enough wife. well quite frankly i am not sure i would want to be here amongst them any longer.

anyone that does hold that opinion is sick beyond belief

LadyBiscuit, it is because it is in the context of a loving relationship based on mutual respect.

There are a lot of stupid/snide posts on here about 'proper rape' that I am sure are helping no one.

The issue of what constitutes rape in the eyes of the law are not necessarily relevant to the OP's situation. What is relevant is that she and her H are no longer on the same page wrt sex. If she truly believes that he has the mentality of a rapist, and it is her decision to make, then she must deal with that as she sees fit.

Nobody said it was the same as being violently raped at knifepoint.

But it was rape.

The OP doesn't want to think about it in those terms, as she explained eloquently. But it was.

Why are you so angry at Anchor, Portofino?

I hope you're ok Anchor. FWIW I posted a long reply to your other thread and it went into the ether as the thread was deletd before it appeared!

I hope your talk with your DH goes well, and that he has had a chance during the day to think about what he did, and gives you a grovelling apology.

I hope you are able to have a frank discussion about your sex life, and find a way through this difficult time. If that means going to Relate, then good luck.

[cheese alert] If you love each other and want to sort this out, you will. Marriages go through sexual droughts, you're not in any way weird or out of line, and it sounds like you feel like you are. It sounds like atm you aren't communicating - I really hope you feel loved and listened to in your talk tonight. Your needs are important too, and [optimistic emoticon] hopefully your DH wants you to enjoy sex again not just for his benefit, but to feel close to you.

I feel for you regarding the libido loss, I have suffered loss of libido from the contraceptive pill and had really unsympathetic GPs telling me literally 'it's all in my head' and questioning my relationship, ending in me leaving the surgery in tears and feeling like crap :( You are totally normal, and just need to make your DH totally aware of your needs.

If the worst happens and he is an unapologetic knob, please take some time away if possible, stay with a friend perhaps, and everyone here is here for you. It was rape, and he will hopefully be horrified at his actions, but if he isn't, you need to consider your next move carefully.

[un-MN-like-hug]