Rape within marriage

[tabouleh]

Yes unashamedly a thread about a thread.

It is like entering the bloody twilight zone over there.

Jeez there are MNers basically caring more about OP's husbands right to sex rather than believing OP and helping her.

Totally understand if this gets deleted for being a thread about a thread - but if it gets more of the feminist viewpoints onto that thread then great.

It's a big scarey word Dolly, I grant you.
But it's a word that describes a behaviour - having sex withsome without consent - not a reaction to behaviour, and not 'wearing a mask, waving a gun and having sex with someone without consent'.

I've watched this whole thing unfold and feel horrible inside. It's made me question a whole load of things I have taken for granted. And I say that as someone who has been repeatedly raped - by anyone's definition.

Anchor you're doing really well, I feel for you. This thread has caused me physical pain, so I can only think how you feel.

I hope to god that the OP of another, similar dilemma (involving small child being in the room) hasn't read this.

As someone said earlier, rape is rape is rape.

Good God Almighty!

What arses said. Absolutely.

Stunned that people don't get it.

Portofina, if your regularly " putting up with it even though your not in the mood " that might explain why your being so hostile towards Anchor.

It might be worth examining why you allow your husband to have sex with you when you dont want to, and certainly worth examining why he wants sex with someone whos " just putting up with it ". Your clearly breaking your back to defend him, perhaps , as someone else suggested , this has hit a nerve for you ?

I often found reading certain posts uncomfortable , i find the whole feminism thing uncomfortable , because its things i accepted as normal and things ive never thought about. Its uncomfortable reading alright.

And Dolly , re making a mockery of " real crimes ", im speechless.

By the way Anchor, I hope you are doing okay. Thinking of you.. it must be horrible to watch this unfold. I remember getting caught up in an online bashing when I was very vulnerable once on another forum and it is not good.. I sat in front of the computer shaking and crying and falling to pieces while others clearly saw my situation (which I posted, like you, because I desperately wanted advice) as this week's light entertainment and an opportunity to be idiot wankbags verbally dextrous.

arses - brilliant eloquent post

and SGM - your husband sounds lovely :) always good to know they're out there

Dittany, I am not parading my 'supposedly superior relationship'. I just answered your question.

There is no doubt that a lot of ladies on this thread have had the terrible misfortune of being raped and for that I feel truly sad.

If we could hear the OP's husband's side of things, would it make a difference? If he said that he genuinely thought that she wanted him to coax her and that he felt that it was his husbandly duty to do so in light of her recent low libido, would that make a difference to whether or not we label him a rapist?

To the OP - I mean you no offense whatsoever and nor do any of the other ladies who have been derided on this thread. We are merely trying to give you some perspective.

If a man said that he thought his wife was consenting to be "coaxed" after she had said that the thought of sex didn;t appeal, turned her back on him and went to sleep, I might be tempted to call him a liar.

NormalityBites - sorry you are in a painful situation .

Is there anything we can do to help? Links to info/advice.

Thanks for posting and letting us know that the thread, although painful, is useful to you in causing you to question things. .

Rape is NOT rape is not rape! Sorry. Being dragged of the street, held down and forced to have sex is NOT the same as your husband, naked in bed beside you poking his willy at you.

You can say what you like. The poster here was not forced to do anything. She has decided that she is a big victim when really she should have just have a few choice words with her dh about his bad behaviour.

I know that rape within marriage occurs. I know that many women suffer within relationships. These women deserve our sympathy and assistance. In this case, Anchor needs help with OTHER stuff.

Sorry. I know you all think I am evil. But right from the start Anchor cried "Marital Rape" but in reality, after all the attention, is happy just to have a little chat after DHs late meeting.

I am really sorry that you all think I am horrible. But I am still

A liar and a rapist.

Wait guys, Portofino is right! Everyone KNOWS it has to be the stranger in the street dragging you off otherwise it's not real rape and stop whining. Problem solved!

Except it's not, it's pernicious bollocks. Is there any reason why a grown man cannot understand the word 'no'? How does he manage to hold down a job and generally participate in society if he does not understand the difference between 'yes' and 'no'? And, if anything, it is even more distressing when it is someone who is supposed to love you more than anyone else who suddenly decides that your feelings don't matter anymore.

And he put his penis in her while she was sleeping, rather than poked it at her - stop trying to make light of it with misleading descriptions like this.

Being dragged of the street, held down and forced to have sex is NOT the same as your husband, naked in bed beside you poking his willy at you.

He didnt wave his willy at her , shes explained clearly what happened . why do you insist on minimising her experience ?

now we get down to the crux of what you think Portafino:

"Rape is NOT rape is not rape!"

YES IT IS!

Rape is rape is rape. It is not a competion!1

Just because the experiences/circumstances/violence are different doesn't change the fact that it is rape.

Why do you want some sort of point scoring/ranking of "this rape is worse than this one".

You can't generalise of course - but it may be far more traumatic to be raped by your husband, father of your DCs with whom you wish to continue a relationship with rather than the horrid little scenario you've created "Being dragged of the street, held down".

One thing I have learned from mumsnet is that other peoples 'histories' are not the same as mine. We are not all approaching these sensitive issue from the same standpoint. I think what has happened in a persons past is relevant to how their advice should be perceived.

I have not been raped/abused/bullied/beaten so I do not speak as someone who has 'an axe to grind'. That is not a good choice of phrase I know but I can't think of another way to put it.

Dittany, I think (hope) that this is a case of lack of respect rather than rape. Does the benefit of the doubt just not enter into it on this occasion? If it happened again after the OP has made her H aware of her feelings on the matter then I would be coming down on your side.

dittany, sorry, but please tell me what you already thought...I am interested.

Prolesworth, yes I know he penetrated her. She got up and left the room. He is in the wrong I totally agree.