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Original poster

Dittany !!! Or anyone who knows of good links for rape victims....

155 replies

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 23:39

Sorry to post this here

I think Dittany, or other vociferous posters on rape may be able to help me and wanted this to come to their attention

I am looking for info about the scenario where a rape victim continues to see, or even date/pursue their attacker, in an attempt to "normalise" or "cancel out" the trauma

I really hope someone gets what I mean, am in a terrible rush and prbably put this very badly, but I have seen this referred to before on MN

TIA you good ladies, and sorry for gabbling xxx

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/08/2010 18:44

"if he was me he would just forget about it"

Would he really? I wonder, if he had been attacked in the same way, whether he would. Guessing not.

Oh dignified that is rubbish. Glad you found the support you needed somewhere, but sorry that the tosser will never be made to face what he did.

msrisotto · 12/08/2010 18:47

"and also because we were MARRIED"

God that gave me the urge to punch the screen. Fucker. Absolute fucker.

dignified · 12/08/2010 19:02

Married = right to sex is sadly a common attitude isnt it, ive often seen it on here when a woman complains about being mauled or groped , or sulked into submission , and other women claim she should make an effort, or have a chat with him ect and explain she doesnt like it Shock

All very sad , but i want to cheer whenever someone comes on with that sort of story and realises she doesnt have to put up with it.

SugarMousePink · 12/08/2010 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ISNT · 12/08/2010 20:55

Great thread, I kind of love these threads because they enable me to talk about something I can never talk about in RL, which is terribly selfish, when the whole thread is about the abuse and trauma of women.

What I put on the other thread is this

"I was terribly promiscuous afterwards, for years. But I always thought that was just what I was like, I never made any connections. I always separated sex from emotion. But some people are just like that - I have no idea how you tell what is "you" and what is because of what happened IYSWIM.

I do know that I was really confused afterwards and phoned the bloke - I think I wanted to talk about what had happened or something - I don't really know why I had this powerful urge to be in touch with him, even years later when I saw him. But then even later when I saw him and was a bit pissed and asked him about it he laughed at me and said it couldn't be rape as I rang him up afterwards. I have always been very confused by the whole thing. For years I said it was "a sort of sexual assault", I didn't call it rape, as that made it seem too serious. Also I told a couple of friends at the time but they weren't really interested so I didn't tell anyone else Confused"

I also drank very heavily for years.

The stories on here are just so so sad. All these lives fucked up because of these total bastards. I am quite sure that the man (boy?) who raped me would laugh at the idea that it was rape - in fact I know that's what he'd do, because he did when I confronted him about 5 years later.

ISNT · 12/08/2010 20:57

I'm horrified at the reactions of councellors/police. It's just so shocking.

As long as women are shamed into silence about this stuff, we will never get anywhere, I am quite certain of that.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 12/08/2010 21:16

There is no rape in marriage.

According to XH.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/08/2010 21:51

Glad he's your XH.

I often wish there were websites where you could name and shame blokes who have made their wives/GFs lives a misery. Obviously it would be too open to abuse/libel law, but great if you could look up name of new man: "Oh, I see he made Amy123's life hell by disappearing for weeks at a time, and LouisaCoventry says he still owes her £5000, maybe I'll give that second date a miss."

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 01:17

I was terribly promiscuous afterwards, for years. But I always thought that was just what I was like, I never made any connections. I always separated sex from emotion. But some people are just like that - I have no idea how you tell what is "you" and what is because of what happened IYSWIM.

Yes, I didn't realise that it wasn't just who I was, either, because he raped me when I was 16 and had had one boyfriend ever. So there wasn't a sexual norm to differentiate myself from.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 13/08/2010 09:03

Tortoise - my issue is that I was with XH from the age of 15.

Now, to be clear, it wasn't bad in the beginning, but it was at the end - but it took a long time to get to that bad point, so there was years and years of being put down, belittled, ignored etc etc.

So that makes it hard for me to see what's normal, does that sound weird?

swallowedAfly · 13/08/2010 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bottyburpthebarbarian · 13/08/2010 09:40

The thing is, I'm out of it now, but if I look back and think about it, I KNOW now that it was weird but at the time I just went along with it

Rules about "stuff" - who cares?? Me at the time, I did what I was told

I actually went to see a psychiatrist and told him what was going on and this was before it got really really bad, say about 12 years ago. He told me the way I was feeling was normal given the situation and that the way I was getting treated by my XH was not acceptable.

When he told XH that (not in so many words) XH decided the psychiatrist didn't know what he was talking about and I had lied and made it seem worse.

I didn't even tell the man the half of it.

SupposedToBeWorking · 13/08/2010 11:08

I am about to go on holiday (eep!) but I wanted to thank you all for your stories. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's reading them with dawning wonder that
(a) I'm not the only one it happened to,
(b) it didn't 'happen to' me, a rapist raped me,
(c) the way I acted afterwards - immediately or long-term - was the same way other people react and isn't actually evidence that I was crazy, lying or not really that upset,
(d) that it's possible to 'talk' about it and be taken seriously, and
(e) that when I get confused about whether I was at fault, I am outnumbered by clear-thinking (beautiful, loyal, steadfast, compassionate) voices who will tell me over and over again that it was his acts that made it happen.

I'm so sorry that rapists have raped so many of us. I am so proud of the men and women I saw on another thread who are teaching their sons as well as their daughters about avoiding rape.

I admire so much the clear-as-a bell voices of some of us who aren't confused any more about whether they did anything wrong. I want to be one of those voices. I'm going to.

I haven't had time to look through properly - are there men on this thread?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 12:14

Haven't seen any, Supposed to Be.

Botty, that sounds utterly logical to me, if very sad. Of course that was the norm to you.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 13/08/2010 12:21

If you're constantly getting told you're a headcase, a nut job, deranged, psycho, loony by the other adult that lives with you, they have isolated you from everyone else, then you start to believe it.

I reached the stage where I would be sitting crying when stuff would happen thinking how could I be so warped and twisted as to think it was unreasonable when he was telling me the problem was me.

I wish I'd had MN - although I have to say I think if i'd posted some of it, I would have been called Troll

chocolatestar · 20/08/2010 07:11

Not had time to read the whole thread yet but I will. Just on my way out the door to work but I did this, I went back. It's amazing to read about others who did this too, I've felt so awful about it for years.

chocolatestar · 20/08/2010 17:08

Caught up now. This thread and the other one on the aftermath of rape have been buzzing round my head all day.

I still have doubts about what happened to me. I was a virgin when the first incident took place, 12 years ago now, he was a friend although we had kissed a couple of times. I went back to him. I felt awful about what had happened, whatever it was and I thought if somehow it all worked out then that incident would not matter. I ended up in a situation with this guy that went on for nine months which was really unpleasant.

I was lucky enough to have therapy, five years worth in fact. It helped a lot but when it ended I knew the doubt was still there so I just locked the whole thing away. I try my best not to think about it as it still hurts so much and I feel powerless to do anything to change that.

ISNT · 20/08/2010 20:45

Sad for you chocolatestar.

again, I don't know what to say. so many awful stories.

chocolatestar · 20/08/2010 21:10

Thanks ISNT.

One of the hardest things for me now is that I had to leave college to get away from him and so lost the career that I really wanted to do. Now when I go to work I am reminded of what I lost.

Something of interest for the thread- my friend told me later that this guy had said he could have been charged with date rape 100's of times if he hadn't convinced them all to sleep with him again. Makes me wonder if it's a stratagy that some men use to get away with rape.

suzikettles · 20/08/2010 21:15

This is such a cathartic thread.

It happened to me when I was 21. He was a work colleague and we'd been on the Christmas night out. I was very drunk, and a bit flattered when he came on to me, but I didn't want to have sex with him. He was staying at my flat because he'd missed his last train and my flatmate should have been there but stayed at his girlfriend's that night.

We kissed but I said "I don't want to have sex with you". He came through to my room and asked to share my bed - I said no but he got into bed with me anyway. I said "I don't want to have sex with you", but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I wasn't in the least turned on, it hurt like hell but afterwards we just fell asleep and the next morning he went home.

I've never been able to think of it as rape - I kissed him, I was drunk, I let him into my bed, but god he was a rapist wanker wasn't he? I worked with him for another couple of years. I was embarrassed after the fact. I was embarrassed? It's just struck me how inappropriate that feeling was.

Until this thread I really hadn't thought of him as the rapist he was. Everyone thought he was a really great guy.

ISNT · 21/08/2010 13:10

chocolate can you do some studying or something now? i am about to start an OU course, to do something I wish I had done when i was younger. I don't know if it will lead to anything, but it makes me feel like I'm taking positive action IYSWIM.

suzi of course you were raped. You said no, he ignored you. he forced you. that is rape.

chocolatestar · 21/08/2010 17:26

Sadly no, I was at drama school. I would never get funding to go back and I think it would be hard to get in at my age. I teach, but it's not the same.

Good for you for doing OU! You need a lot of dicipline for that.

Suzi I agree with ISNT, you said no, that is black and White to me. My situation was very grey area which is one if the reasons I have never really put it behind me. It must have been horrible working with him after that.

Aliceinwonder · 22/08/2010 18:34

Suzi. do you have a DH? would you tell? How long ago was this? Rape is rape if you say "no".

ISNT · 22/08/2010 19:00

chocolatestar is there nothing you can do to fulfil this lost desire? I don't know what your line was and see that you teach - but there's loads of stuff around that you could get involved with if you wanted? Extras, local theatre groups, I don't know. Maybe not your bag. It seems sad though. What did you want to be - a stage actor or something like that?

chocolatestar · 22/08/2010 20:55

Yes, I was half way through my training when I had to leave. I lost a lot of confidence because of what happened which is why I didn't try to go somewhere else at the time. I might sign up for a class or something. I'll never do what I wanted to do but it would be nice to do something again.