Dittany !!! Or anyone who knows of good links for rape victims....

[AnyFucker]

Sorry to post this here

I think Dittany, or other vociferous posters on rape may be able to help me and wanted this to come to their attention

I am looking for info about the scenario where a rape victim continues to see, or even date/pursue their attacker, in an attempt to "normalise" or "cancel out" the trauma

I really hope someone gets what I mean, am in a terrible rush and prbably put this very badly, but I have seen this referred to before on MN

TIA you good ladies, and sorry for gabbling xxx

let me try that for ya link

xpost :)

My link above suggests that women who don't acknowledge at the time that what happened to them was rape, often get into a relationship with the attacker.

thanks so much, you guys x

and bump

Me and Elephants, we're like the Feminist Back-Up Squad (Overnight detail).

my god, I love you all x

rtd - im so glad you posted your experiences, i did the same (dated someone after a date rape) and ive been too ashamed to really tell anyone because it can't have been rape if i then dated them iyswim, but it was it was 18 years ago now and i dont often think of it but its good to know this is a 'known' thing and im not actually just an idiot

you are not an idiot

i was only 16 and a virgin when i met him. he was 23. afterwards he told me all about his fiance who was pregnant with twins (i had no idea he had a partner till he told me this!).

not sure why im even talking about this. gah.

You are more than welcome to talk about it if it helps.

It's definitely a known thing. Do read the links in my linked thread above, this is exactly why I started that thread.

I was 16 too, and while I didn't date the rapist (he was already an ex-boyfriend) I went through a period of promiscuity after the rape.

god i did that too, slept with 10 people in a year!! it just didnt matter to me i think, well it did deep down, but i just thought that was what you did i suppose. after that ive slept with 2 people in the next 15 years so it wasnt me. i dont know.

i just find it hard to reconcile was it rape? wasnt it? i didnt scream/hit him or anything, i just said no a few times and then just lay there. in a car in a car park, nice. not how i envisaged losing my virginity. and then i just shut down totally.

will read your links thank you.

you were 16, he was 23 ?

that says it all to me

you were not at fault

many, many women "freeze" and go through with it...because they don't know what else to do and because they have been conditioned to be nice and not make a fuss, and well, he will think I am stupid if I start screaming

then afterwards you blame yourself

this is how so many attackers get away with it

but, no matter, do not take responsibilty for "letting them get away with it"...they shouldn't be fucking doing it in the first place

I know what you mean SAF about the freezing. I used to practically float above myself and completely switch off. Lots of what you have said rings bells with me.

SAF I'm sorry.

I've just read your post and I want to say thank you for posting.

Something has just clicked in my head, I can't really explain it. I just wanted to let you know that what you've said has helped me make sense of something I've struggled to understand for years.

Sorry, I'm not making a lot of sense, but really wanted you to know that.

SAF...thanks for posting that

I hope it was cathartic for you, and the validation you will inevitably get will help you

I was date-raped too (no drugs involved)

I said no, but didn't struggle very hard

I tried to speak to him about it afterwards (badly), but he poo-pooed it and I just felt hugely embarassed

embarassment...fucking hell, I know it wasn't my fault though

he took advantage of the situation, and I found out later it wasn't the first, or last time, he did it

I don't think he has ever been brought to task for it though

the worst thing is, I bet he doesn't even fucking remember it

nobody should have to name-change, unless of course, they really feel they need to

get it deleted if you like, SAF, but there is no other reson for you to do so

have a cup of tea and look after yourself x

I can't read any of these links, got a vodaphone dongle and its telling me the links are restricted.

(sorry-marking my place to read them when sky finally activate the phone line!)

god saf/bof/af all your stories and feelings ring such bells.

I didn't shout or scream or hit and I can't reconcile that with 'rape'.

In my head I just thought 'god this is so embarrasing i dont know what to do, i cant get out the car i dont know where i am and my parents will kill me ive lied to them about who im out with and ive got no money and hes just going to do it anyway so the quicker he does the quicker its over and i can get home and hes 23 and im 16 and i really really like him and he'll think im a silly child if i start shouting and...' etc etc. I wasn't frightened exactly, I just needed time to think how to get out of the situation Id got myself into, so I could stop and think but I couldnt get any time because he wouldnt stop.

Re promiscuity - I didnt really seek out the sex afterwards with other people (after I'd been raped), they just sort of started it and i went to my 'special place', just sort of watching from above. It didnt ok to me either to just say no. That saddens me now and having two dds I dont know how to prepare them, warn them without scaring them, give them the tools to be confident to just say no if they want to.

I have been very vocal on the 15 year olds having sex threads recently too (under my usual name),because I believe they need protecting from the 23 year olds who will take advantage.