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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Dittany !!! Or anyone who knows of good links for rape victims....

155 replies

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 23:39

Sorry to post this here

I think Dittany, or other vociferous posters on rape may be able to help me and wanted this to come to their attention

I am looking for info about the scenario where a rape victim continues to see, or even date/pursue their attacker, in an attempt to "normalise" or "cancel out" the trauma

I really hope someone gets what I mean, am in a terrible rush and prbably put this very badly, but I have seen this referred to before on MN

TIA you good ladies, and sorry for gabbling xxx

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AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 20:53

hiya MOSP, was hoping to "see" you again

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mumofsweetpeas · 11/08/2010 20:56

It's hard now there are two thread going, knowing where to post. I've just posted a long one on the other.
Hello AF.

I will never ever forget you. You have been so kind to me. You and others as well. Just wanted to tell you that.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 20:57

UA...I feel your pain, hope you are ok

nell...don't worry about sending your post, you were being groomed, it is well-recognised these days...there is no shame in that (for you, but there is much shame for him)

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SugarMousePink · 11/08/2010 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 21:43

MOSP, I won't forget you either

if any kind ladies are around, MOSP is struggling on the other thread just now

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wukter · 11/08/2010 22:26

This thread has stayed with me all day.
I am remembering things that I don't generally think about, but they have been coming back to me since DD was born 18 mo ago. Just mulling really. A bit ashamed of my behaviour as a teen. Just mulling really i suppose.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 22:34

wukter, hope you are ok

my behaviour as a teen was awful

I hope to Gawd my own dd (14) doesn't repeat any of it

but it's ok...I am not that person any more, and some of it was not my fault (some of it was)...and neither are you

having a daughter has changed (and rocked....) a lot of my world and it scares me half to death !

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AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 22:35

UA...are you still around ?

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wukter · 11/08/2010 22:45

Thank you AF.
There were a couple of incidents objectively not my fault. He was fucking 40 for fucks sake, how was it a teens fault??? (A young looking underdeveloped teen at that.) gah. but I still think I should've I shouldn't have...and then I stop thinking about it - genuinely and all's ok again.
Just thinking of DD as the 15 yr old I was makes me shudder and slashy knifey.

(last bit's a joke)

Unlikelyamazonian · 11/08/2010 22:45

AF yes I'm here.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 22:46

you were 15, he was 40

what more is there to say ?

slashy-knifey about covers it Smile

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Slashyknifey · 11/08/2010 22:50

That is exactly how I feel. Well put wukter

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 23:07

just checking if you were ok, UA

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dignified · 11/08/2010 23:47

I followed the link from the Nasty Email thread. Yes, this has happened to me, i was married to a rapist and somehow managed to convince myself he was a great guy , that i had a great life and everything was hunky dory !!

Strangeley enough it wasnt until i got rid of him that i began to look at what he had done , the following months were a nightmare, i would literally howl with rage and greif , at him, and also at myself for " allowing " it to happen. Mumsnet was my lifeline , no one i knew seemed to understand.

I still ocasionally ponder how i lived in such a state of self denial , but its quite simple, the truth was too horrific. Stockholme syndrome is quite real, and rape is not only an assault on your body but also ones mind.

With these wankers there are two stages of getting rid, one physically, as in distance , and the other emotionally, spiritually or whathaveyou. The second is a lot harder and only goes when you get rid of the greif and rage.

Ive said this before on here but im going to say it again, sometimes the things we say on here are just words on a screen , but to someone somewhere, they are everything.

Tonight your words have been something to someone Af , i will never forget the night i sat here crying in despair , honestly contemplating the worst, and UA,s words were everything to me.

I think your both fab.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2010 00:04

dignified, I love the way you post now

I love your confidence and your sef-awareness

it was always there, though

when I think that women can do better, can feel better, I often think of you and others who fight and fight to escape whatever it is that is dragging them down

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AnyFucker · 12/08/2010 11:34

I hadn't seen this thread when I was looking for info very late other night

It is really excellent and supportive, and MOSP, if you are still reading, very pertinent

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swallowedAfly · 12/08/2010 11:43

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dignified · 12/08/2010 12:50

Too right regarding myths.
Ive mentioned this before but soon after i kicked my ex H out i think i started to suffer from delayed ptsd.

I think i must have finally felt safe and strong enough to face what had been going on , but i was a wreck. If you had seen me youd have thought it had just happened that day.

I finally went to see a counseller , at this stage i still felt very ashamed and embarressed. I remember sat stuttering and crying and struggling to explain. I did explain and she dismissiveley said " Yes, some men are like that with their wives . Anyway ,,, ".

I left angry and upset , her attitude reinforced my exes and some of my freinds , ie, that it was no big deal and i was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Bastard.

swallowedAfly · 12/08/2010 13:10

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tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/08/2010 13:11

There is definitely a myth about "why would he rape someone, he's goodlooking/charming/wouldn't need to". Just as there is a myth that only attractive young women get raped - rape as a compliment, as it were.

They are, of course, myths.

I've just remembered - I have a friend, who I've known for 15 years. She's not a close friend, we're really only still in contact because she's my beautician now, but we knew each other in high school. She said to me the other week, oh, did you know that Fred Bloggs in back in town? And after thinking about it for a while, I thought fuck it, and said to her, I'm not very interested in talking about him, because he raped me when I was 16.

And she didn't say outright, you're lying. But she led a line of questioning, all disingenuous-like, about oh, do you remember being young, it was so easy to have sex that you later regretted, etc.

I realised afterwards that what she meant was, you're lying, you just regretted having sex with him.

Now, why, if that were the case, would I dislose it 16 years later? This wasn't a much-loved bloke, this was a guy who at the time was known for coercive behaviour and dating underage girls. As far as I know, he's not made a success of his life, so he's hardly a monetary target. There was absolutely no possible motive for me to say what I did except the real motive - to tell her please don't talk about him, it's painful to me. And yet, 16 years later, I disclose, and the assumption is still that I must be making this up.

With that against one, it's not easy to keep believing yourself.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/08/2010 13:14

X-post. SAF, that is fucking horrifying, your counsellor's comment. I feel embarrassed posting my anecdote now, it doesn't compare at all!

swallowedAfly · 12/08/2010 13:56

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AnyFucker · 12/08/2010 14:02

therapists can be twats too

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/08/2010 17:30

ain't that the truth AF. One person I know was "prescribed" sex (with him) as the cure for her depression. Another friend found out that his therapist was not only sleeping with his (friend's) wife, but wasn't a qualified therapist at all!

dignified · 12/08/2010 18:35

The police arent much better either. I rang our local police station and asked for an apointment to come in and see a female officer.

The pushy git on the phone insisted on details so i simply said that it was about an incidant that happened a while ago with my ex husband and that i wanted some advice.

Next thing she tells me that the police will call here to see me as soon as they are free , she had flagged it as a domestic violence incidant and aparently it was to be investigated in this way, and No, i couldnt " unarrange it ".

I was forced into the position of either having them turn up here or willingly going to the police station. By this time i wasnt happy that it had blown out of all proportion with threats of officers turning up ect. I had simply wanted to speak to someone and see where to go from there.

When i arrived i spoke to a male police officer in a little shit room, i explained and without hesitating he said that it was unlikeley to go anywhere , no physical evidence and also because we were MARRIED , and that if he was me he would just forget about it.

Okay says i, fuming at this stage, ready to leave, when he pipes up " So what did he EXACTLY do to you , i know you said he assaulted you sexually, but what exactly ?"

I got the feeling he wouldve got a real kick out of hearing all about it, which of course i didnt.

Anyway, it was only on here, and my counseller that i ever heard " What he did wasnt ok ", made all the differance.