Lost six stone, feel humiliated

[ButterflyBarista]

I've told noone in real life how much I've lost but obviously it's very clear I have lost weight (in fact a third of my body weight). I have done this through diet and exercise alone and walking in my local neighborhood.I work locally too.
i just feel utterly humiliated by myself, does anyone understand? I get comments literally every day. In fact, yesterday I was stopped whilst on a run, by by two separate people I don't know to ask me exactly how much weight I had lost. Both women were trying to be nice and friendly but I just feel mortified. It's embarrassing that I had let myself get to such a weight in the first place, that people are watching me, and that, actually I am basically the same person I ever was but now somehow more worthy and "inspirational". I find it all utterly mortifying and although I understand people are trying to be nice, I just hear "you're so much better than the whale you were before".
Can anyone understand or talk me out of this?

Yup I’ve lost two dress sizes still look and feel fat so I’m wondering how big was I really was I really in that much denial…. How did I not see how bad and unhealthy I was …. It’s a total mind bend … as I’m still not skinny in size 14 now but how I mean how why was I abusing myself with food….

Well done btw - it’s amazing true to be proud I know it’s hard but give yourself a pat on the back and reward yourself with a non food reward

But no one actually says that do they? They are just complimenting you on your achievement aren’t they? You lost weight by your own efforts , presumably because you were unhappy with the size you were before and you have achieved that - and people have noticed. I get you’d rather they didn’t comment, but just take it as a compliment, say thank you and move on.

Agree with PPs.

People want to congratulate those who have lost weight - because it’s fucking hard. It’s such an accomplishment, OP.

It’s hard at first when people make comments about it, and you do feel self conscious (and when I put on weight I inevitably thought ‘gods am I still a bloody whale’). But it’s a confidence thing. You’ll get there. Try and take the compliments for what they are and be proud.

So sorry you're feeling watched @ButterflyBarista. You aren't your body and even if you were, people just want the best for you. You get to choose what that is. Well done for following what you want and doing it successfully. There is more love in the world than you think. I hope you feel better soon 🌸

I felt the same I lost 3 and a half stone a couple of years ago and it was embarrassing like the only thing people could see about me. In reality people are happy for you and possibly inspired. I still get it if I haven't seen someone for a long time but it does become less. It's a huge thing that you've done for yourself and you should be so proud. It took me a long time to process the weird emotions I got about it. Also the fact that people treat you better I couldn't quite believe when I had been told that before but they really do.

I expected to only feel happy about losing weight, I'd tried to do it so many times and for most of life unsuccessfully but I was confused by all the negative emotions I had. I guess I've just got used to it now. This is just me now not me vs me before. People do still ask me about nutrition and exercise a lot, I definitely don't know much about nutrition but I've become absolutely obsessed with exercise so I'm happy to ask about that, it feels less like a judgement and more like a hobby.

Also you reach a point where new people didn't know you so just see you as you are.

I feel you OP. My weight loss wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as yours but the reactions were similar albeit on a much smaller scale. The worst part was when I regained the weight, after all the compliments on losing it. I'm currently losing it again and mentally preparing myself for the remarks. Pp are right that noone means anything bad by it of course, but i relate to the humiliated feeling.

I totally understand. Have lost big amounts of weight before and felt completely exposed, like people feel they have a right to ask, comment etc. One of the things holding me back from losing weight now is the feeling that people will start seeing me again instead of looking past me. It's hard to explain.

That comment is nasty and reflects more on them.
I've yo-yoed with my weight all my life and had people ask exactly how much I've lost, it seems acceptable in society as it is deemed as a compliment especially for women who the majority are battling with weight or have been on diets at some point. They probably want to know how you've done it, and we all like a success story.
Don't let it colour all you have achieved as you have done amazingly well x

Firstly @ButterflyBarista congratulations on achieving your weight loss! I can certainly relate to what you've said, as I've also lost six stone and one-third of my body weight. While my brain catches up with my new appearance, I'm happy to take all compliments I get; however it's tempered by the frustration I feel with letting myself get to the state I was in. I would suggest being compassionate to your previous version of you, as I feel that what you're experiencing is something that psychotherapists talk of as "mourning for the past self'': regretting who we were at a particular point in time and the choices that we made at that stage. That was you, then: focus on who you are now and how much progress you've made.

I think I understand. It's still an unsolicited personal comment and can feel invasive. It also feels sometimes like "Ooh you've lost so much weight" feels more like "Ooh you were so fat before".

It sucks because it feels like people only approach you because you were larger before, like they wouldn't just go up to a random slim person and ask them about their diet or heath 😵‍💫 it's only acceptable because you used to be bigger.

Bit rambly sorry I hope you get what I mean!

@ButterflyBarista this is the thread I needed to see today as someone who NEEDS to lose 30kg. I know it feels rubbish (I've had a weight loss phase before pregnancy) but remember to feel proud of the fact that you've done it now.

As someone on the other end, I am so motivated by you and I don't even know you! :)

Wow that is an amazing achievement but I do get it. I think it’s pure fascination plus they think you want to hear compliments. Well done.

Ah I get you OP but you're probably just an overthinker like myself. "Well done on all the weight loss" means "congratulations you're finally good enough!"

I get offended if someone says to me "you look really nice today" all I hear is "you looked shit yesterday!" 🙈

People can't win lol

I always feel awkward acknowledging weight loss if I notice it, because I think it may come across that I have been observing what size other people are. So I tend not to say anything and that can end up looking rude as well.

But I think some people strike up a conversation because they are hoping that you have done it in a way that they could do too. They are impressed by you and wish they could achieve what you have.

I am impressed too!

This is a bit different to weight loss but I get where you’re coming from because I used to have a birthmark on my face - it was really noticeable and I hated it all my life, parents used to tell me to stop being vain etc. so it took me until early 40s to get rid of it. Then I got comments from all kinds of people (even ones I only knew in passing) about looking so much better and so on, which really annoyed me because it was like they were saying I was ugly before. Also some people said I should have kept it because it “adds character”.

Basically personal comments like this are meant as compliments, probably more so in the case of weight loss because it’s not easy to do, but I wish they wouldn’t. It’s like a reminder that wherever you are, you’re being judged on appearance, not by everyone thankfully!

I love people mentioning my weight loss (half my body weight), but I completely die when I see pictures of myself from before. They are literally hideous.

Its not other people that make me feel like that by mentioning my progress now, its me and its a fact, being fat was unbelievably disabling in many ways, emotionally, physically, visually. I never want to go back to that. I pray I wont

Absolutely agree, my weight goes up and down every three years and I loathe people saying how good I look when I'm thinner. I want to scream " stop looking at/ noticing my body, it's just me all the time." I don't know how people don't get if they comment when you're thin then you know they notice when you're fat. Years ago when I was losing weight I also had the realisation that people like me more the less there is of me and that's a bloody depressing realisation of women's space in the world.

Just to add to that, its worse where the pictures were of me in outfits where I had 'got dressed up' so trying to look my best, probably thinking 'I look ok in this'. No you didnt look ok, you looked awful.

Do the comments somehow make you think that people saw you as 'the fat woman' and now you're not fat, the comments remind of you of how you were known by people you had no realisation were aware of you?

In my town, there's people I don't know at all, but they'll have little elements that I remember - the one with the great shoes, the lady who always has different glasses, the one who always has her fringe over her face - and that's littérally all I know about them. So if that one thing changed, I'd be confused.

They are just complimenting you on your achievement aren’t they?

This.
They are not judging you for being the size you were, they think they are congratulating and motivating you to continue. The fact that they shouldn’t, because no one should ever comment about a persons weight/body, is a whole other issue!

Yes, this is most definitely a thing. It really messes with your head. It's like you're invisible when you are fat and then when you lose the weight, you become worthy of people's attention. You are still the same person, your appearance has changed, but your essence hasn't.

It says more about them than you, don't internalise it or you risk self sabotage. You don't have to speak to random people about your weight loss or indeed anything. Just tell them it's personal and you don't want to talk about it.

Not everyone enjoys any attention on their body, positive or negative. I would have classed myself as one of those until recently. I've lost 34lbs and am only 10lbs from my goal weight and my husband is the only person who has noticed.

It's for this reason that I make it a firm rule never to comment on a women's size. So many people genuinely think it's a compliment to say 'you've lost weight'. But it's not that different from saying 'you've gained weight'. It's all part of the same, relentless scrutiny of women and their bodies. It's invasive. And anxiety provoking for the reasons the OP lists - what if I put the weight on again? What did you think of me before ? Do I need to lose more weight?

I wish women could give each other the space to be whatever weight they are without enduring comments about it.

OP I saw someone I used to work with recently. She was stones lighter. I said ‘You look like you’ve lost weight.’ and immediately thought, why did I say that!!! It was almost knee jerk because she looked so different. Luckily she was happy or appeared to be happy that I noticed but she could’ve been seriously ill or embarrassed. 😳 I would add that if she’d dyed her hair pink I would’ve commented on that too so try not to read too much into it being them judging you, more that they are noticing a big change.

I understand this feeling too. Agree totally with @habitineedrightnow - having lost then regained 3.5 stone I really relate to wanting to scream 'it's just me! I'm the same person!' It's the feeling that certain people are quietly judging my body all the time and only commenting when I lose weight. It makes me wonder what they are thinking when I'm larger. I feel better when I lose weight and it does feel like an achievement but I don't really enjoy other people commenting however well meaning they may be especially as I know there is a real risk I'll regain the weight.