Lost six stone, feel humiliated

[ButterflyBarista]

I've told noone in real life how much I've lost but obviously it's very clear I have lost weight (in fact a third of my body weight). I have done this through diet and exercise alone and walking in my local neighborhood.I work locally too.
i just feel utterly humiliated by myself, does anyone understand? I get comments literally every day. In fact, yesterday I was stopped whilst on a run, by by two separate people I don't know to ask me exactly how much weight I had lost. Both women were trying to be nice and friendly but I just feel mortified. It's embarrassing that I had let myself get to such a weight in the first place, that people are watching me, and that, actually I am basically the same person I ever was but now somehow more worthy and "inspirational". I find it all utterly mortifying and although I understand people are trying to be nice, I just hear "you're so much better than the whale you were before".
Can anyone understand or talk me out of this?

why does it matter to you obviously. With a searching therapist kind of look on my face as if, are you quite ok hun? 🤣

I get it. It's a genuine thing. A friend who had weight loss surgery changed personality completely and left her husband....he told me that it's really common for that to happen.

People do see you differently and things change.

But you have to hang on to the benefits of beings slimmer, your health, how much longer you will be with your family.

But it is a genuine recognised issue..https://www.healthline.com/health/losing-weight-and-relationships

People don’t though and that’s just the reality of life. As Alice in Wonderland said “it’s rude to make personal remarks”, but how many people take heed of that?

By the sound of it a couple of people were genuinely interested in her method, presumably for themselves. You get those kind of questions “how do you keep your figure”, “do you work out”, and regular gym goers are asked about diet and types of training etc.

It’s deeply individual really which presents a problem. I know one woman who is freezing friends out of her life because they don’t acknowledge her great achievement in weight loss. Others like many here hate anyone mentioning it at all.

I do recommend working on the feelings you’re experiencing. Those who lose weight have conflicted views, as do those around them as evidenced here, and you need to visualise the “new you” and create that new soundtrack to your life, whether that’s developing a gym habit, becoming a foodie, loving the walking etc. Otherwise there is little there to sustain the maintenance phase once the big slog is over.

I get it OP, its not a nice feeling to think people have been monitoring your weight. My mother in law is awful for this, I got comments when I'd only put on <a stone a few months after having a baby. She comments when other people have lost or gained the smallest amount of weight. It makes me feel like she's always sizing me up like a prize cow!

I get it, OP. A few years ago I lost six stone (put it all back on) and people were so different towards me. The worst was a friend I hadn't seen for a while was totally gushing over how great I looked, asking me how I'd done it and exclaiming on how awesome it all was, and I felt utterly humiliated and just wanted to walk away.

I'm a person, not an object. Standing there 'admiring' my body from different angles, commenting on it as though it's there for your appreciation or disdain, talking to me as though I'm somehow not a person, just the means of hauling this body around... It's dehumanising and totally humiliating.

I know that people are just interested/jealous/impressed, but I wish no one felt entitled to speak about my body that way.

The people who said things like, you look gorgeous however much you weigh, or, well you look great, but then I always thought you were beautiful - those were lovely compliments that I appreciated.

I've put all the weight back on now, anyway. So presumably all the people who thought I looked so much better now think I'm a lazy useless cow. But the people who actually know and love me really don't care what size I am and have never treated me differently. I wish I'd known, when I'd lost the weight, to shut out all the other noise and nonsense. I definitely wasn't psychologically equipped to deal with all the attention on my body, and it felt very unsafe.

So she pointed out she'd lost weight, and instead of being supportive, you all met her with silence so that she'd know you all still found her unacceptably fat? WTF?

Also another thing that I still say to people who are keen to talk about appearances, which is not aggressive or provocative, is

i love when you give compliments which are non appearance based.

like :

You are strong
You are kind
You are a good listener
You have amazing resilience
You are passionate about the things you want
You are so bright
You inspire me

Yes that resonates with me. If someone says well done for something at work my brain says why are you saying that, you thought I couldn’t do it/am shit so you are surprised aren’t you.

op how are you about receiving compliments/positive feedback about stuff that’s not appearance related?

This thread is very interesting. I live in a different country than UK and nobody, literally nobody who is not a very close friend would ever dream of complimenting or commenting on anything that is directly related to body. Clothes is fine but for instance glasses not so much! If I have a new haircut and I tend to change them dramatically, the only comment I get is: oh! you have a new hairstyle! Saying anything more would be considered too much especially at work.

The only people who commented on my weight loss were my closest friends and the ladies from the cleaning company that clean our house. Whenever they come I always offer them coffee and we have a short chitchat. They are all immigrants and still learning the language, so when one of them told me: “you’ve lost weight, you’ve been fat before” I just smiled and thanked her.

Body comments are definitely one of those things where cultural differences are very obvious. Our lovely Filipina cleaner, who has lived abroad in different places for many years is quite upfront about having had to learn that in country X, it wasn’t considered polite to comment on weight gain or say ‘You lost weight — you used to be very fat’. I knew an elderly North African woman years ago who on several occasions said to me ‘You’ve lost weight. It doesn’t suit you’.

Interesting all the people telling op with some authority how she should feel (op I’ve assumed you are female apologies if not) .

Agree. She feels how she feels. That’s not something she needs to do anything about.

I assume they have seen her previously but don’t know her to talk to. Like some one who walks their dog at the same time as you, you don’t know then but you might , if one day they had grown an extra limb, be the kind of person who comments.

I understand this as someone in a similar position.

People mean well but it is invasive commenting on someone else’s body. I think the feelings of shame you feel are partly as a boundary has been crossed.

i always try to smile and respond graciously. But I do comfort myself with the fact that this kind of behaviour (commenting on another’s weight loss) will be the kind of thing that people will look back on in 10 years and think “Did we actually ever think it was ok to do this?!!”

@ButterflyBarista I haven't rtft but I've read a lot of replies that bypass the point you make about being deemed acceptable now that you're thinner. Yes it does happen and yes it's shit. You're the same person when you're thinner as you were when you were fatter.

Humiliation is turning on yourself. It's actually these other people who are (unwittingly) being rude, so fuck 'em. Have you considered indignation instead?

I once asked my best friend who is often up and down with her weight whether she likes people commenting when she has lost a noticeable amount of weight. She said she expects friends to notice and is a bit miffed if they don't say anything! So I tend to open the conversation now by a comment such as 'you look really well' and then the person who has lost weight will normally tell me they have lost X number of stones. It's a difficult one for friends I think. You don't want to NOT acknowledge it but you don't want to imply that they were overweight before.

I understand, I lost three stone 5 years ago and now trying to lose it again.
My problem with it stemmed from me trying to hard to disguise my extra fat and telling myself over and over again that I looked presentable, but being complimented on weight loss meant they had noticed how fat I had let myself get and I was deeply ashamed of that (it's worse now I've got to do it again!)

BUT. I didn't do it for them I did it for me and my health, and that's why I'm doing it again. I also want to feel good about how I look.
I own someone IRL who gains and loses about 15st at a time so there are more extreme examples out there.

Congratulations on your improved health and fitness, keep going and smile and graciously thank people who compliment you. They are probably a bit envious too x

You did the right thing in asking your friend, and going with what she specifically told you was her preference. Don’t assume everyone feels similarly, though. ‘You look really well’ is pretty unsubtle.

I know exactly how you feel, i lost 5 stone and wished people ignored the fact but in the end i thought yes i was bloody obese so of course people will notice. Just smile and say thank you.

Some people talk too much, they comment on things that are absolutely none of their business and they cause so much hurt. It's their own shortcomings that give them their misguided sense of what's acceptable and you don't have to apologise for how you feel, it's completely understandable.

Weight is an emotive subject and you'd have to be very hard of thinking indeed to assume that somebody you make comments to would appreciate your views on their body.

If somebody wants you to notice and comment on their weight they will tell you. If they haven't/don't then pipe down.

She doesn’t need to ‘graciously thank’ anyone. She’s equally at liberty to treat it like the (possibly unconsciously rude) personal comment it is.

Hear, hear.

Millions of people are totally fattist and think it's fine to be a twat to people who are overweight - even if that twattish behaviour isn't obvious (eg ignoring them, thinking of them as lesser). Unfortunately, don't know how you can change people's thoughts.

On the other hand, if I saw you, I'd want to know how you did it as I'd like to lose some weight. Weight loss is bloody hard and it feels very miserable to be overweight. Menopause absolutely blasted me and I'm left with about 4 stone to lose.

I think at least part of this is that it magnifies what you felt and now feel about yourself. If you were happy in your skin before, lost weight, and are still happy with who you are, comments like this seem just like a ‘well done’ on achieving the weight loss. If you were unhappy or troubled by your appearance before, the comments magnify the previous lack of confidence and make you feel bad now.

Of course that partly depends on why you lost weight. I did much the same for urgent health reasons, but was previously perfectly content to be a tubby size 20. I take the compliments as they are meant. I’m proud of the fact that like you, I did it all on my own, without slimming clubs, drugs or surgery, and I’ve maintained my new weight, so I think I’ve earned a few positive comments.