Lost six stone, feel humiliated

[ButterflyBarista]

I've told noone in real life how much I've lost but obviously it's very clear I have lost weight (in fact a third of my body weight). I have done this through diet and exercise alone and walking in my local neighborhood.I work locally too.
i just feel utterly humiliated by myself, does anyone understand? I get comments literally every day. In fact, yesterday I was stopped whilst on a run, by by two separate people I don't know to ask me exactly how much weight I had lost. Both women were trying to be nice and friendly but I just feel mortified. It's embarrassing that I had let myself get to such a weight in the first place, that people are watching me, and that, actually I am basically the same person I ever was but now somehow more worthy and "inspirational". I find it all utterly mortifying and although I understand people are trying to be nice, I just hear "you're so much better than the whale you were before".
Can anyone understand or talk me out of this?

Op, you need to chill and start to enjoy the fact that what you’ve achieved is actually amazing and people are in awe of what you have done. Honest, 6 stone is phenomenal - has the exercise positively helped your mental health as well?
Congrats!

Many years ago I lost 8 stone. Even people I'd never spoken to at work came up and talked to me about it. I'm someone who doesn't talk about losing weight. I'm embarrassed about being overweight and just got on with it myself. I felt like everyone had been noticing how huge I was and judging me. My weight has gone up and down over the years and I've gained 5 stone. I am very embarrassed about it and avoid meeting up with old school friends. Everyone made such a fuss when I lost the weight that I feel that they are judging me and will all be noticing and discussing me having put lots back on.
I never discuss someone's weight loss unless it's a friend who has brought it up themselves. If someone was suddenly looking fabulous, I'd tell them they were looking great, but not comment on any weight loss unless they brought up the subject. Some of us do feel awkward and embarrassed about the subject and don't want to feel that our bodies are being judged.

I get this but people really do admire your achievement and it’s natural to want to tell you this.

Just read this back to yourself and re read the op.

I get it completely OP, and it is clear on this thread the type of people that can't see why it isn't supportive.

No one mentions it when you gain weight, so to the pp who said it isn't a secret- neither is gaining weight but that is seen as bad and undesirable.

Because it makes you feel better, the thought process - thank fuck I didn't get that fat?

Why is it admirable?

I’ve lost 5.5 stone, 40%, and get a lot of comments from people. It’s very obvious on me as I’m short and very petite. One of the weird things is suddenly people realise quite how short I am, almost as if the extra weight made me taller 🤣. I honestly enjoy the compliments because it’s a huge accomplishment that I honestly didn’t think I was capable of. It’s a seemingly impossible task for many people, to lose such a big amount of weight and keep it off. I do think sometimes they see it as inspirational as they see that I’ve lost it and it proves it’s possible (not that I see myself as inspirational)

It's admirable because almost everyone knows it's very easy to put on weight and bloody hard to remove it

Duh!

I don't understand how two separate people who don't know you would know you'd lost any weight at all, let alone know enough about you to stop you and have a conversation about it?

A former colleague had to point out she had lost five stone as no one had noticed. She was met with stunned silence, rightly implying she still had a lot more to lose.
This is not the case for you. Take the comments as compliments.

I get it.
I lost some weight a few years ago (about 10kg, down to pre-baby weight).
A school mum whom I hadn't seen for a few months sidled up to me in the playground and gushed about how much weight I'd lost.
My daughter cried all the way home.
She had intuitively picked up on it being an intrusive, unsolicited personal remark, which despite having the flavour of a compliment, definitely didn't feel like it. She felt humiliated on my behalf. I obviously explained and made excuses for the other mum, generalising that lots of people are very happy to reach a healthy weight and that this makes their 'friends' happy too.
And left it at that.
But it made me really aware of how a common transaction like that can land.
I compliment and appreciate people a lot but I don't tend to comment on bodies.

People can be thoughtless and they think it’s ok to appraise other people’s bodies and tell them about it. I went to a funeral recently and several people decided to tell me I’d put on weight, I was so slim as a teenager blah blah blah. Not one thought about how it might feel to me; no they just need to say it. No wonder a lot of us struggle in this body obsessed world. I can imagine you feel scrutinised and assessed, even if the comments are “positive”, and even if you’ve done an impressive thing. People centre themselves, so they probably feel envy. Their reactions are about them. You could ignore and swiftly change the topic, lightly switch the focus to their body even. Or nod, smile and be on your way, remembering how limited a lot of people are. All the best x

Firstly, many congratulations OP on a fantastic achievement. I know how hard it must have been because I lost 35 kg / 5.5 stone. Have you cleared out all your old clothes which are now far too big? If not, I can assure you it’s a great feeling. 😉

I have literally been stopped in the street by people who live on my daily walking circuit who congratulated me. I was stunned that they would even notice, but I smiled, thanked them & took the compliment in the spirit it was intended.

I know I look different. I know I look better. I know I feel healthier. I’m bloody proud of myself, and I think you should be proud too, OP.

Sounds like there’s a lot of self loathing about.

I hear you - I've slowly lost only a small amount of weight (a stone) and I've got two friends who keep mentioning it.

The best of it is I've not been on a specific diet to lose weight and I rarely weigh myself, it feels like other people are more interested in it than me and I wish they'd bugger off.

The one friend, who's actually a size or two smaller than me, keeps saying "have you lost more weight? You don't need to lose anymore!" As if I'm sort of waif, which I'm definitely not! I find it really intrusive.

I think you made an incredible achievement - not the weight loss per se, but the commitment to change, to self care, to making consistent lifestyle changes that benefit your health.

What I am hearing though, is that you have low self-esteem and - for want of a better phrase - high levels of self-loathing. I think you should consider counselling because these feelings will likely underpin why you gained weight in the first place and, no matter how healthy you become on your continued journey, you will still hold that inside, corroding at your sense of self and your achievement.

It can be hard to take praise or hear positive feedback when you have been on the receiving end of external or internal criticism, but the fact that these two ladies stopped to praise you is not about the weight you were before, or an indication that you were less worthy before, but a recognition of what you have and are accomplishing.

Be kind to yourself.

I have literally heard other overweight women commenting things like ‘she will never keep it off’ about other women’s bodies at work. A couple of years ago a colleague lost a lot of weight very quickly and I heard this comment a few times behind her back. She did gain it back. Now I don’t know if people say this about me. I’m not sure it is always kind. I’ve had a LOT of issues with people trying to make me eat things to help them indulge with being overweight and belittling me for being ‘too strict’ whilst also telling me I look good

I actually feel the same as you. You are not being unreasonable. I lost 5 stone and my life is entirely different, people respond to me differently in the street, on the road or public transport, in the workplace, in shops, men are chatting me up all the time who I know for certain would have spat on me before. It’s very hard because I am exactly the same inside. People who don’t understand will say “oh no it’s because your confidence has increased”. No way. I was a hugely confident person when I was larger, and I always appreciated my worth because I drew it from the inside. Which I still do. It’s very eye opening to see how the world devalues someone just because they are larger, and places more emphasis on looks. Friends have changed towards me, become more competitive and resentful. It’s like you shine a mirror in to their lives and they compare. But just remember that this is their self esteem issue, not yours to carry or wear on their behalf.

I still haven’t come round to it. I just love the people who loved me fat even more. Because I know they really did love me.

I absolutely understand op. I lost a lot of weight a while ago & people
commented all the time. I hated it. Yes, they’re saying well done, you look amazing, look at the new you etc, but I felt humiliated. Like I was rubbish before and I hated people noticing me and questioning how and why.
I wouldn’t comment on anybody’s change of size. It’s very personal.

My MIL isn’t very nice she will make a big fuss about me being slimmer and how I look nice then get annoyed I won’t eat takeaway pizza

I have a slightly different perspective as a thin person, which is that people generally congratulate people on being slim. Whether you were always slim or achieved slimness. It’s weird but it’s just how people are. If you add the angle of an amount of weight loss that takes real commitment & hard work, that other people may aspire to and you make it seem possible for them, I can see they would be interested.

You’re missing the point. Regardless of self-esteem, don’t comment on someone else’s body unless they make it plain they welcome it.

I have excellent self-esteem, regardless of my weight. When I lost almost five stone, I didn’t welcome comments. It’s nosy, prurient and objectifying.

Sure, but they should keep it to themselves.

It's not OK to discuss people's weight, unless they open the conversation. Personally, I think diet, weight loss, someone's weight, is the least interesting conversation. Being fat does not make us a bad person. Being thin does not make us good. But society is ingrained ro think like that and we need to move away from it. There have been studies on this -the thin person gets a job because its assumed the fat person is lazy. And so on.

It's fine ro compliment someone, but on something they chose. 'I love your dress/shoes/hair cut/make up/bag/nails' 'the work you did on xx was great.' 'The meal you made was delicious '. Never 'you look well" (us fatties know what ot means), 'gosh, you look slim' or anything along those lines. It's just unnecessary and likely very triggering to the recipient.

Agree with this too. Now I’m slim people often make comments about other people to me, as if I’m now in on the joke because I am no longer the joke. I just greet any comment on other peoples bodies with “why it matters to you what other people weigh?”

OP, you have done brilliantly. Be proud of it. Don’t let comments scratch your armour x

I've noticed these days that people are less likely to comment on someone's weight loss because we live in a society where people aren't as bothered (or told they shouldn't be bothered) by someone else's weight. I follow a number of body positive influencers and they're always saying things like "a person's weight is the least interesting thing about them" and "don't comment on someone's weight loss as they may be ill or going through some form of trauma/medical issues etc". I once said at work that someone said it looked like I'd lost weight a few months ago (I hadn't) and I took it as a compliment. My colleague said "that's not a compliment". Well, to me it was, because I am trying to be more healthy and look after myself more and weight loss is part of that.

I had a week off work and took my DD to a toddler group - one of the childminders there (who hadn't seen me in a long time) said "jeez, you've lost a lot of weight!" - was only 2.5kg down at that point. She then said I was looking really good. I didn't think anything about how she thought I looked before. She made an observation that just happened to be a compliment in my mind! I felt that I was looking better (healthier) and feeling better as well, it was so good to hear someone else see those changes as well.

OP, I wouldn't look too much into what these people said to you. They meant it as a compliment...as PPs have said, losing weight is hard and it's a big achievement so they're congratulating you on that. You're doing it in a healthy way as well - good old diet and exercise. They're proud of you. We're all proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself as well.