Lost six stone, feel humiliated

[ButterflyBarista]

I've told noone in real life how much I've lost but obviously it's very clear I have lost weight (in fact a third of my body weight). I have done this through diet and exercise alone and walking in my local neighborhood.I work locally too.
i just feel utterly humiliated by myself, does anyone understand? I get comments literally every day. In fact, yesterday I was stopped whilst on a run, by by two separate people I don't know to ask me exactly how much weight I had lost. Both women were trying to be nice and friendly but I just feel mortified. It's embarrassing that I had let myself get to such a weight in the first place, that people are watching me, and that, actually I am basically the same person I ever was but now somehow more worthy and "inspirational". I find it all utterly mortifying and although I understand people are trying to be nice, I just hear "you're so much better than the whale you were before".
Can anyone understand or talk me out of this?

Im surprised at some of these reactions to be honest. My partner also gets comments about his weight loss, he is much slimmer than years ago, I woujldnt say its about being women necesssarily. I know the people who mention it to me are genuinely pleased for me that Im in better health

I know exactly what you mean. I hope it settles down quickly.

A friend's mother once said 'oh you look great, I'm so glad, Jane said you'd really ballooned in the last few years' and I have never forgotten it (clearly - it was 23 years ago). The implication that you were less worthy before is painful.

Maybe try some positive affirmations? That's only just occurred to me in fact. Some nice things about you that aren't about bloody weight maybe.

A few years ago I lost about half a stone. I'm very short so every pound is noticeable. I had friends say wow you've lost loads of weight, you look great. I actually felt awful about it as I thought did you think I was really fat before, just just didn't mention it? Crazy when it was so very little weight loss. YANBU to feel upset but just congratulate yourself on your achievement and ignore them.

I know exactly what you mean OP! I’ve lost 4.5 stone but tell everybody it’s 3 cos it’s embarrassing. In mitigating circumstances I did had a bad injury which led to the weight gain however I hate the fact that I put on so much in the first place. I’ve been walked past so many times and had double takes from folk. I just feel exposed like you say.

it’s a huge achievement so own it! It took me a while to get my head around it. Mentally I’m still fat.

I feel more embarrassed that everybody assumes it’s fecking ozempic - NOPE - endless hard work down the gym. I’m not saying that to belittle anyone who is on weight loss medications - I would have grabbed that with both hands in the olden days. And the last stone ain’t coming off so I would still love to try that. But I’ve had a complete revelation of how exercise makes you feel and I get genuinely excited when I wake up about going to the gym which is a massive head fuck and will hopefully last me forever. Apart from the usual birth death stuff, it’s probably the most significant thing that’s ever happened to me in adulthood.

That's interesting OP. I've lost 8 stone and get similar comments. I'm very pleased about my weight loss but, thinking about it, it can feel a bit intrusive when people ask how much I've lost. I suppose weight is something that just really interests/preoccupies a lot of people. I sometimes say the actual amount or sometimes deflect it by saying something like 'oh you know, a few pounds' and thanking them. I do wince a bit sometimes when people feel free to say how huge I was before (they didn't at the time, of course!) but it's possible to shrug if off and concentrate on the positives. Well done on your achievement.

I had the opposite after being very slim my whole life and quite quickly putting on 4 stone. As I got a bit more weight they would say that I looked ‘much healthier’ (erm thanks, I wasn’t unhealthy just slim) and then as more weight was gained they said that I looked, ‘so different’. I stopped listening. I dislike my body but I’m allowed to, no one else had a say.

I like to look at it as your body being the outside of you, the bit that people see a bit like a shop facade. You change the display sometimes by having a hair cut or gaining/losing weight. People notice and feel the urge to say that they’ve noticed. The shop looks the same inside but only the people that you let in can see that, others only see the display at the front.

I get what you’re saying OP

I lost over 7 stone 10 years ago and people would stop me and the street and say I looked ‘amazing’ and “how did you do it?” I used to cringe. I would just imagine that before I lost the weight these people were all laughing at me and commenting on my size.

I now realise that most people are just generally happy for you! Some are inspired and want to know how you did it so they can do it themselves.

It’s always a difficult area commenting on somebody’s weight but I think most times it’s coming from a good place (when you’ve lost weight)

Well done anyway! It’s hard work but so worth it!

They really aren't all thinking how bad you looked before, OP. If you see someone with a new haircut or dressed up really nicely and you compliment them, you're not meaning 'You looked shit before.', are you?
People talk to you about it because they're probably simultaneously pleased for you and a bit jealous. So many people try and fail to lose weight. And even people who have no weight to lose are probably just impressed at your will power. Everyone knows it's really hard to do.

Well done but honestly, it's nobody else's business

I hate how people mention others bodies all the time

My colleagues never stop. She's skinny, im fat

It's hideous

I get a mixed bag, weirdly I get kind of suggestive comments from women who say OMG you look so good and it’s cringey and I feel awkward. People ask me how much I have lost and I do feel weird talking about it IRL as often they will pretend to be shocked when I say 4st.

I look visibly completely different as I’ve lost 25% of my body weight but agree the old photos are the worst when I was in denial about my weight and my DP always tried to tell me I looked good - I did not. Especially my cankles they were just something else

but there is a reason I lost weight as it was 2 small children who asked me why I was so fat on different occasions. With graphic questions about why my legs and belly was SO BIG. However these kids haven’t noticed I am now not fat at all as they are just children and for me that’s been weird 😂

This. Don’t comment on other people’s bodies unless they’ve made it quite clear they welcome it. It’s not that hard.

I think I can empathise, and have actually spoken to my therapist about it. In the "live" situation I smile and say thank you, but I wish I could keep it as something private, just for me, that I don't want to talk about. The only friends who didn't comment had a very unwell daughter with an eating disorder, and I think they just knew not to comment.

OP, you should be happy not humiliated.

Forget what other people think. If you were seriously over-weght, you must have phenomenal determination to do what a quarter of the western world have failed to do.

You've taken the pressure off your heart, stopped any damage to your joints. Endless benefits for you and your children. What other people think or say pales into insignificance compared to that.

Just think of a standard reply and then forget about it.

Yes, it’s ridiculous that it actually takes someone experienced in just how difficult bodies, weight loss/gain etc can be to recognise you shouldn’t comment on someone else’s body.

Definitely get it, and those who’ve never been there won’t get it.

Try not to equate, or make the assumption that others are equating, worthiness with your weight loss. It is much more likely that they are focussing on the fact that it is notoriously hard to lose a significant amount of weight and is a huge accomplishment.

Saying that, I do completely empathise with you. As a teenager I got quite pudgy and then developed a resrictive ED which left me physically and mentally the unhealthiest I had ever been. But a complete stranger had been visually documenting my progress and came up to me one day to exuberantly compliment me on my weight loss and ask me for details on how I did it. just wanted the ground to swallow me up and was completely mortified.

The idea that being fat is undesirable is so ingrained in our society that even when we make huge achievements toward our health and goals, people acknowledging that success makes us focus more on the fact that they noticed we were bigger more than anything else.

And on the flip side, it can be hurtful for people to see your weight loss as the BEST thing that can possibly happen to you. Like all the other stuff about you isn't as important.

I lost 5 stone (since April 12th 2023 actually) and I like it when people compliment me, although it doesn't happen all the time.

The issue I have with having lost all the weight is that I don't feel much different. I'm no fitter, probably less so actually (I was very fit before) and have not cracked any kind of code; often I'm expected to say how much my life has changed because of it and it hasn't and it's actually not all good. I am now a size 12 and feel more critical of my body than I ever have. There are no solutions, only trade offs.

I fully understand this. I very much experienced it about 10 years ago when I lost weight but rather than feeling negatively about myself it made me loathe other people for being so fucking shallow that now I was thin they somehow saw me as more worthy. And they really did, men and women at work wanted to help me with stuff, my neighbours started inviting me round. It was pathetic of them. More recently I have lost 6.5 stone and so look vastly different. I was prepared for the change in people's behaviour so I didn't find it as hard. I never talked about the loss, never engaged in any conversation about it, not about food not about exercises. Nothing. I think that helped a bit because thoes I saw regularly, I think, assumed that it was something happening naturally because of a health reason (since more people would mention there efforts in such a situation iyswim) so they never commented which was great. When it came to people I saw more rarely and they would be socked and do as little as possible to engage in that conversation too. So when they would tell me I look good, I would just say 'thanks, so do you' when they would ask how I did it I would say a casual 'I ate less food' and ask them about themselves that was vaguely related like 'How's that knee of yours doing?' Or keep conversation on me but something that actually did make me interesting ' Did i tell you I've moved on to the advanced class at x? Im really enjoying it'. Most people seemed to then match my approach.

But people do treat me differently, people are kinder, I get invited to more things etc. I don't let this become an internal struggle for me. They are the defective ones if they think I have more worth now. I was a wonderful human when I was at my biggest and I am wonderful now at my smallest. That won't change.

I see where you're coming from op, and it's why I try really hard not to comment on the specifics of anyone's appearance.

People are different on this. I have one friend from school days, I've never known her weight and it's never been a conversation between us but she's been very obese most of her life. I met up with her and a mutual friend years ago, and mutual friend gave me the heads up in advance (they are closer to each other than to me) that she had lost a lot of weight but didn't like to talk about it. I don't think I would have mentioned it but I was a lot younger then. I was very slim back then, and actually remember feeling awkward and judged myself 😆 but appreciated the warning. She looked great. She's since put the weight back on and then some and still looks great. Nowadays I definitely wouldn't have needed to be told to mind my own business, I'd probably notice dramatic changes but it wouldn't occur to me to mention it.

Another lovely friend I made in adulthood also lost 4ish stone a few years ago. After a point she used to come strutting up to the school gates every day grinning and just waiting for the excuse to give the latest weight update to anyone who looked interested!

It's a judgement isn't it. I think people shouldn't just come out with anything related to physical appearance out of the blue, even compliments. Maybe a "looking gorgeous as always" or something non specific to a friend could be ok if they really feel compelled!

Congratulations. I wish I had your focus and resolve. I lost this level of weight years ago and found it was mostly women who treated me differently and men not so much. In the main, I think people do find willpower impressive, but it’s always a reminder of how superficial lots of folks are.

It is quite normal to be sensitive about issues relating to the body. Ultimately it is rude to point out to someone (especially a stranger) anything to do with their size, even in a positive way. And you're right, you are still the same person no matter what size you are, and you're just as worthy at any size. As PPs have said, perhaps focus on the mental effort it takes to lose a significant amount of weight. People generally are aware that it is difficult and they may just be recognising that, albeit in a clumsy and insensitive way.

Oh I hear you @ButterflyBarista Why does anyone really think they should comment on such a private matter. And tell me they only mean it as a compliment without seeing they are highlighting how much weight I must have put in before.

Some people are smart enough to tell me I'm looking 'well' though in MN that can be code for 'you have put on weight'.

Not when I've lost 33% of my body weight and shrunk from size 18/20 to 8/10, it doesn't mean that, does it?

I've stuck with two kinds of responses.

Anyone I don't know well asking or telling me I've lost weight, I tend to deflect (oh, have I, I never weight myself) and change the subject.

The few people who ask, whose opinion I really care about, I remind that there are only two reasons why anyone looses weight, either very serious health issues or because they had put on a f*ck tonne of weight in the first place and which do they think it is in my case. They don't usually mention it again.

Sweetness and light, that's me.

Op take it as the complement that it's meant to be, a complement on how amazing you look and how strong your will power must be to keep loosing.

So many women are always starting diets, but few seem to ever get to the end of a diet. I keep loosing the same half stone.

However it's amazing to watch someone physically shrink. What is your secret to keep the motivation going?

It's hardly private is it? It's quite clear to anyone who sees you

You should be proud and glad and celebrate it

And on another thread people are being berated for not asking about personal stuff

Are you skinny now? I find when I'm slim I get asked how much I weigh and have my figure commented on fairly often. I put 4 stone on and no one says anything now good or bad