Lost six stone, feel humiliated

[ButterflyBarista]

I've told noone in real life how much I've lost but obviously it's very clear I have lost weight (in fact a third of my body weight). I have done this through diet and exercise alone and walking in my local neighborhood.I work locally too.
i just feel utterly humiliated by myself, does anyone understand? I get comments literally every day. In fact, yesterday I was stopped whilst on a run, by by two separate people I don't know to ask me exactly how much weight I had lost. Both women were trying to be nice and friendly but I just feel mortified. It's embarrassing that I had let myself get to such a weight in the first place, that people are watching me, and that, actually I am basically the same person I ever was but now somehow more worthy and "inspirational". I find it all utterly mortifying and although I understand people are trying to be nice, I just hear "you're so much better than the whale you were before".
Can anyone understand or talk me out of this?

This is completely irrelevant. My Dr comments on everything from my ADHD to my smoking habit to my sexual health. My colleagues and acquaintances, not so much...

As I said, her colleagues doesn’t comment. Listen to what I’m saying.
This is a country with free thought or at least it was.

Thanks for the advice. Do tell me all the other hints and tips on how developing a gym habit, becoming a foodie and loving walking is going to change societal values and opinions on thin and attractive me, over the previous version of myself who was exactly the same person but with more weight on.

My weight has been sustainably lost and maintained for 4 years now.

I have perfectly healthy self esteem before and after. It’s patronising idiots with zero experience that need advice. Hope that helps 😙

But think about how you would feel if you had lost all that weight and nobody noticed?

I think it's unrealistic to think people won't notice. I didn't mind people noticing. I assumed they noticed. I minded the comments. You look so much better now. Do you feel better? Wow, I can't believe how different you look! You're like half the size you were before! You must have lost so much weight. How did you do it? Do you feel different now? I bet everything's so much easier now. You must feel so much healthier. You look so much better. I never realised how big you were before. You were huge before. What size are you in now?. Etc.

Just adopt as a blanket rule that you don't comment on anyone's weight loss unless they invite you to. And even then, don't make any comments on their body, unless specifically invited to. E.g.:

"How are you?"
"I'm great, thanks. I've lost some weight and I'm really proud of myself."
"Wow, that's fantastic. Good for you!"
"Thanks. See how much smaller my arse is now?"
"Well, I've never really spent much time looking at your arse, but I'll take your word for it! I've always thought you were gorgeous, anyway."

It's not that hard to be complimentary and interested without making someone feel awful.

So you just wanted to share a story of a woman being "rightly" shamed by her colleagues, and let the OP know that as she doesn't still have weight to lose, she doesn't have to be shamed the same way, so she should be happy.

And then when people object to such an unpleasant comment, you double down because doctors are allowed to comment on their patients' weight.

It always blows my mind when I remember that people like you exist.

The woman I spoke about wasn’t shamed.
The point I made was that in her case, unlike that of the OP, no one commented which disappointed her.
The reason I mentioned it - which appears to have been lost on this thread - is that when people didn’t say anything it was wrong and when they did it was wrong.

If I’d achieved a goal I’d want some recognition, not reverse a plaudit and perceive it as an insult. FFS.

Like I said, I lost 3 st and not one person commented.

while in someways i was a bit disappointed, it was actually mentally healthier for me. I moved on to losing the weight because I felt better, because I wanted to, rather than because I was getting positive comments from other people. It wasn’t about my appearance any more, but how I felt.

having had an eating disorder in the past, partly fuelled by other people’s reactions and the attention and compliments I was getting, i think it’s better this way.

If I’d achieved a goal I’d want some recognition

Then let people know.

(And hope that they're not unpleasant people like your friends who would refuse to give that recognition because they "rightly" decided your achievement wasn't good enough.)

Shaming overweight people doesn't motivate them to lose weight. It motivates them to hate themselves, which contributes to eating disorders and agoraphobia. No one ever lost weight through developing binge eating disorder and never going out.

These are medical professionals advising patients about a health concern within a doctor-patient relationship.

Would it be appropriate for me to go around telling people how to manage their asthma? Or sprained ankles? Why is weight any different?

The summary is: unless you are a qualified professional talking to a patient or client, keep your opinions about someone's weight and health to yourself. It's basic good manners.

@MrsSlocombesCat

But think about how you would feel if you had lost all that weight and nobody noticed?

I'd certainly think thank goodness no one noticed that for a good few years decades I totally lost control of my eating. I've finally (sic) got it sorted and just hope no one noticed that I ballooned for a while.

Phew.

I could have written this.

One of my classmates at school developed anorexia and ended up in hospital. She and your last paragraph are why I never comment on someone's weight or change of weight. Not contributing to someone's risk of developing an eating disorder is more important than making a vain person feel momentarily better about their physical appearance.

We should be promoting a world in which what you look like doesn't determine your perceived worth and your weight is a matter for just you and your doctor.

I've lost quite a bit of weight and yes, I do get mortified when people comment. I think it might be that when they say 'You look so good/slim/healthy' what I hear is 'You looked so bad/fat/unhealthy'. I don't disagree with them that I look better or that I was fat, but it's hard to be reminded that people noticed and thought that about you.

Weight gain is gradual so it really sneaks up on you, no need to feel bad about that.

For peoples' comments, I think it's just because they want to lose weight themselves and they're a bit thoughtless. I once lost a lot of weight because of a fairly serious medical issue and received lots of compliments and how do you do it comments. Just shrug it off.

I've been there with the whole massive weight loss thing and I think what you're experience is just a lack of confidence messing with your self-image. You say you're embarrassed that you got to your former weight, and you're still looking at yourself through that filter of shame/embarrassment. Other people are not. Other people are simply seeing someone who has achieved something really bloody impressive that requires a lot of willpower and commitment, and they want to congratulate you for achieving what you set out to achieve. Basically, other people are being kinder to you than you are being to yourself - take a leaf out of their book, congratulate yourself and tell yourself how fucking great you look and how hard you've worked.

I promise you that people do not mean to be patronising or to imply that you looked bad before. People are congratulating you because they are incredibly impressed by your self-discipline and the work you've put in, that's all. They will absolutely tell you that you look great - because you clearly do! - but that doesn't mean you didn't look great before. If you get a dramatically different haircut (I've been there with that too) people also tell you how great it looks, but again, it doesn't mean that they hated your hair before. They're just telling you that they've noticed the change you've chosen to make and reassuring you that it was a great choice.

Please try to enjoy it and bask in the compliments, because you absolutely deserve them.

Your comprehension skills aren’t sufficient to realise that all involved kept their opinions to themselves. Why don’t you think before you write?

You do realise that not every message is aimed at you on this chat? You’ve maintained which is great but from accounts here, that is not universal as an experience. I was talking about a support thread that clearly you don’t need but others - including myself - may do as we are different people with a wide variety of experiences.

Anyhow forget the idea.

OP good luck with it all.

I promise you that people do not mean to be patronising or to imply that you looked bad before.

Have you lost a significant amount of weight? Have you spent years moving through the world as a fat person? I'm going to guess the answer is no, because if you had, you wouldn't feel confident in making this promise.

They're just telling you that they've noticed the change you've chosen to make and reassuring you that it was a great choice.

You don't think that sounds patronising? Reassuring her that she made a good choice? About her own life? Was she asking them for reassurance?

Basically, other people are being kinder to you than you are being to yourself

Why do you think it's kindness when people dehumanise and objectify you? Who taught you that others are entitled to comment and give their opinions about your body?

Again, there's a simple and compassionate solution to this, which is stop commenting on people's bodies and weight loss unless expressly invited to do so.

OP, I think it's important to acknowledge that your feelings are real and valid, and in fact that while people may 'mean well', their comments are intrusive and make you feel bad. So don't engage with them - brush them off, don't answer, or say 'it's none of your business'. Or change the subject. Don't let rude, thoughtless people derail you from your goals.

@FifiLaPass you proved my point, try to be less judgemental and a bit more open hearted and perhaps life might be kinder to you dear.

Life is very kind to me, thanks, dear. You’re the one judging me for having an unspoken thought.

@FifiLaPass your thoughts were not unspoken, you don’t seem to realise but the level of contempt you hold for those that are overweight has been incredibly clear for all to see. You’re being judged by all for your hatefulness and rightly so. Dear.

My thought about her weight was unspoken. There is no level of contempt in my observations here - merely a remark that to achieve her aim (her choice) she needed to lose more weight. How do you know how much she weighed? Were you there? I wasn’t. Do you know her? No. Hatefulness? Get a grip.

Who are you to decide what her goal is? Maybe she was happy at her new weight. I bet she felt on top of the world until she told her colleagues and was met by silence. If you’ve ever lost 5 stone you will know how hard it is and what an achievement it is.

For the FINAL a time I wasn’t there. She repeatedly said she was dissatisfied by her size. End of. Bore off.