Lost six stone, feel humiliated

[ButterflyBarista]

I've told noone in real life how much I've lost but obviously it's very clear I have lost weight (in fact a third of my body weight). I have done this through diet and exercise alone and walking in my local neighborhood.I work locally too.
i just feel utterly humiliated by myself, does anyone understand? I get comments literally every day. In fact, yesterday I was stopped whilst on a run, by by two separate people I don't know to ask me exactly how much weight I had lost. Both women were trying to be nice and friendly but I just feel mortified. It's embarrassing that I had let myself get to such a weight in the first place, that people are watching me, and that, actually I am basically the same person I ever was but now somehow more worthy and "inspirational". I find it all utterly mortifying and although I understand people are trying to be nice, I just hear "you're so much better than the whale you were before".
Can anyone understand or talk me out of this?

I get it I’m about 4 stone overweight and gradually found a way to lose it currently about 8kg down. Fortunately I only get comments from my mother but I hate it “oh you’ve lost weight” “do you feel better now you’re losing weight” and all these things. I just want to lose weight without comments!

I get how you're feeling op. I lost 3 stone and the comments about how I used to look, really cut deep. Because I'm still me when fat or thin. I think of myself as a nice and attractive person, no matter what I weigh. So to hear such comments like, "you look so much better now" and my favourite, " I was getting really worried about you". It makes me feel embarrassed for how heavy and disgusting I'd become. You should be so proud of yourself for becoming lighter and more healthy. Please ignore rude comments, because those people don't matter to you. One person I knew for 5 years, stopped acknowledging me on the school run for a year. Apparently he'd told my friend that he, "doesn't like fat women, because there's no excuse for women who let themselves go." Now I've lost the weight, he acknowledges me and gives my arm a little rub goodbye. I silently seethe and think, what a horrible twat. I just smile and keep walking. Some people are judgemental and horrible. You are beautiful, kind and clever. You are not your weight. Don't be ashamed. You were always beautiful, you're just lighter and healthier now.

I love this analogy.

I’m proud of the fact that like you, I did it all on my own, without slimming clubs, drugs or surgery, and I’ve maintained my new weight

That's great, or it would be if you didn't make such a slamming statement about other (lesser) people who used slimming clubs, drugs or surgery. They were still doing it 'by themselves', nobody else can lose your weight for you.

Enjoy compliments if you like them, just please don't be slap labels on others for a different view or tell them how they should be feeling because you feel x,y,z.

I went from a size 12 to an 8 and my cousin said in a room full of people ‘oh wow, you’ve lost a tonne weight’. I was mortified.

It’s not fair to judge how people lose weight, the real test for anyone is can they maintain it. It’s all semantics as to the ‘how’ they still did it

Oooh, touchy!

If people use slimming clubs, drugs and//or surgery and achieve their goals, that’s brilliant. For me, the real win was that I discovered and nurtured my inner self-discipline. That doesn’t make anyone “lesser” - you are reading your own sub-text into a perfectly innocent detail.

Totally get where you are coming from, people are trying to be nice but it does make it sound like they thought you were hideous before. I dont think people really do mean that, actually, I think they are more likely commenting on you doing something that was really hard. Perhaps tell yourself that. And as for feeling ashamed of yourself - well, we just cant win, can we? We know genetics play a part in weight, that we live in a world where it is easy to be obese, we feel bad when we are overweight and bad when we have lost weight. Maybe it is time to give yourself credit for doing something difficult, and give yourself a break for needing to.

I understand what you are saying. I've been varying stages of overweight my whole life. It's a battle and I always feel judged by whatever size I am. I do honestly think that when you loose lots of weight though people are genuinely pleased for you and inspired, because it's really, really hard to lose weight, especially a significant amount of weight as you have done. You should be really proud of what you've achieved, don't dwell on feeling embaressed or ashamed about having been a larger size, just embrace the new healthy you.
I have expereinced the opposite, whereby when I put on weight (I am an apple shape and carry a large stomach) I have been asked on multiple occasions if I am preganant or when is the baby due? it's utterly humiliating and I have to laugh it off and just say no I'm not pregnant just fat (inside I am crying with humiliation).
I am on yet another weight loss journey I started a good 4 1/2 stone overweight, I've lost 1 1/2 stone but clearly am still fat and have a long way to go (I'll probably never get ther either, I always give up) that's why people are curious and happy for you as you've had the staying power and it really is the most amazing achievement.

If I ever reach my goal and achive the weight loss you have I would be elated. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life being fat and and on diets.

You are doing it again, LoserWinner. All weight loss requires 'self discipline', regardless of method. If I'm 'touchy', you're tone-deaf. Surprising on a thread like this but, there it is.

Not derailing it any further with you.

Can you see that even discussing how someone lost their weight or maintains their own body, is a comparison. It’s not a healthy way to think about your own body. I don’t even know how random people have achieved their weight loss, because my first question or opening statement is not about their weight. If they have been big before, so, what does that matter to me and how I eat?

It's such an intrusion of your privacy. People you barely know shouldn't feel they have the right to comment on your body or ask you questions about it. You could have a serious disease for all they know!

But you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Their behaviour is the problem here.

You feel more visible and more valued as a person when you lose a lot of weight. You notice that world is suddenly much nicer to you. A person who's never experienced that won't be able to understand how odd that can make you feel.

I’ve lost 3 stone and not one fucker has noticed. Not one comment 😂.

however I do agree that weight loss is seen as such a “positive”. I bet not one comment has been whether you feel better, it’s all about how you look.

when I was a teen everytime I met an adult I hadn’t seen for a while I got “ooh you’ve lost weight, you’re looking good”. My weight was stable to the pound until I was 18 when funnily enough I developed an eating disorder. I could only conclude that people thought of me as “fat”, and it was a bit of cognitive dissonance when they saw me again and realised I wasn’t as fat as they thought 🙄.

@CutPiece I often tell friends they look well if they look well! Regardless of whether it is weight related or not. Is this something people think you shouldn't say?

The accounts here of people gaining and losing huge amounts of weight makes me think we need a thread just for post-weight loss support.
If you lose weight, you need to visualise the “new you” and create that new soundtrack to your life, whether that’s developing a gym habit, becoming a foodie, loving the walking etc. Otherwise there is little there to sustain the maintenance phase once the big slog is over.

This thread hits hard for me and I totally understand your feelings OP. I lost around a third of my body weight around 10 yrs ago and the comments did my head in! I wanted to take them as I think people meant, that they admired what I'd done and thought I looked good. But I couldn't cope very well with all the spotlight being on my looks and also the fact that it all felt so bloody intrusive. Comments about how how specific parts of my body looked, views on if I'd lost enough or too much, how my face looked much thinner etc bleurghhhh. It made me feel confused as I hated it, but had expected to enjoy it. I've put all the weight back on now and need to do it all over again and this time I'm going to try and really practice keeping my eye on my own goals and why I want to not be this size and not letting the comments derail me and forgets the positive qualities I had all Along which I think did happen before.

Did I say I was present?

@LoserWinner the idea of discovering your self discipline actually made me think. It is a problem I struggle with, so thank you for making me think about my inner discipline. I think any form of dieting does take discipline, and inner discipline - the things we tell ourselves- not external (the things others see) is something I'm prone to ignoring.

I know how to lose weight. I know what I'm doing wrong. But I also know my inner voice us saying 'ah, these crips won't hurt" or 'my only vice is wine'... yeah. I'm lying to myself and I suspect that's really what sabotaging weight loss.

I understand where you are coming from. It's like they thought you were less of a person when you were heavier and they are now welcoming you back to the human race.

It's rude to comment on a person's weight unless you are delivering someone's healthcare or are a PT or similar who has been engaged to assist with someone's fitness and diet regime. Social rewards for thinness are one of the drivers of eating disorders.

That they "mean well" is irrelevant. That just means that they've bought into a toxic culture that dehumanises people because of their body size.

No, but you said "rightly", telling us that you approve of this shaming and dehumanisation of fat people.

I've had the opposite reaction. A woman I used to see in one area with her two dogs was morbidly obese and I didn't see her for 6/8 months and she had lost loads and looked really well. I told her she was looking great and she got weepy and thanked me for mentioning it as she had done it by restricting her calories and then upping her walking and exercise and she felt no one noticed, even her family and was disheartened. She was so please I recognise that what she had done had given great results.

Embrace the compliments, people are pleased you have done well.

Yes, I felt this to some extent when I lost 5 st a few years back. Most people seemed to notice all at once - I think when I started buying nice clothes in my slim size.

It was when people made too big a deal of it or they were from someone who had made the odd PA remark about my weight before I lost it that I didn't like it. Most people managed to notice it somehow without making me feel shit though.

The comments I didn't enjoy were mainly from people who have form for making 'remarks' (I do wonder if I would have felt the same if they hadn't) and as a result I guess I didn't particularly like them. 'WOW - you've lost weight (loudly) - a LOT of weight!' (at that point other people (strangers) turned and started looking at me)' & ' OMG - you're slim!' and the two examples that spring to mind.

You've got most of these comments out of the way now. I would decide what to say if the same people continue making comments though - once is more than enough. Consider them removed along with the 6 st and in the past. Well done op - enjoy it!

I understand, I've not had big weight fluctuations but there are some older relatives who always comment when they think I've lost weight. We're talking maybe one dress size, so why comment? People I known socially or at work used to as well. It made me feel like shit because I didn't even realise they were noting and judging my weight. It reinforced the idea that slimmer = better, so that when they don't say anything I feel it's a criticism (of course it isn't, these are my own issues). I'm now afraid of putting weight on, like it will make me a worse person, and always striving to fit into the next size down. It's absurd. My parents did a good job of giving me a positive body image as a child and I feel that it's been undone in adulthood by people who think they're complimenting me.

I do.

”you look well” to me, implies that I don’t look well the rest of the time, and me looking well is so unusual it’s worth commenting on.

i tent to try and make positive comments on less personal stuff. “That top looks good on you”, I like your whatever.