Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

Treat them equally!!!

You should treat them equally all the way. Any other strategy will create resentment and distance between the sisters.

Of course you should. I'm amazed you're even asking.

you have to give them the same. I would even adjust for inflation if it were me. How much did you give the other child? Can you afford it?

Give them the same amount of money so your Dd and husband to be can spend it how they like, that is what we did, my eldest earned more than my youngest but we have given equal amounts for their weddings, they paid the rest themselves.

It sounds like you rewarded your daughter who chose something she couldn’t afford.

If you give to one daughter and not the other I imagine it will have an inevitable knock to your relationship.

So you think you should punish your younger daughter for waiting until she's more financially settled to get married? Bizarre

You must treat them equally. It sounds like you are looking for an excuse not to. Why is that? Is your younger child the favoured one, do you not approve of your older daughter's life choices, or has your financial position deteriorated?

Never do something for one of your children you would not be in a position to do for the other is a good rule in life.

If you want to have a good relationship with your youngest, then lay for all or part of her wedding. If you don't give a shit (as looks likely) then don't - but don't come back on here in 18mths wailing that your youngest doesn't want anything to do with you. Your choice.

No brainer. You must treat them equally or risk fucking up family relationships. Offer them the same amount of money, tell them they can do with it what they wish, if not needed for the wedding.

Edit, I don't know why this was a reply, sorry didn't mean to involve you @AmberSpy but I do agree!

Give them the same amount.

I think this is much deeper than contributing to a wedding.

Why would you not automatically want to treat your daughters the same?

even if you gave this daughter the exact same amount of money the gave the other , you be shirt changing her

None of them NEEDED financial assistance. Everyone can afford to get married, you don’t need all the bells and whistles. Either your older daughter picked a wedding out of her budget range which is her own fault, or you willingly offered to pay for more than she could afford. In which case you need to ask yourself why you were willing to fork out for one daughter, but are clearly trying to avoid contributing to the other

Give her the same amount of money as your wedding gift.

My parents contributed towards both my sisters weddings and not towards mine and I am not bothered in the slightest (I'm the youngest). My sisters were a lot younger than me and I didn't need the help (it also meant they had no say in the wedding so that was great!) We didn't even have a conversation about it so I'm not sure what the issue is. it might be an idea to discuss it with the daughter and see if she minds though.

You should at least have a conversation about it.

Fwiw I don't think parents paying for the wedding of a young DD who is leaving home to get married is the same thing as the wedding of someone well set up in adult life, and it may be that your older DD prefers not to have you involved, but you do need to talk about it and be ready to contribute a similar sum to you paid for younger DD's wedding IMO.

You need to treat them the same. If one was a millionaire and one was on benefits it maybe would be different but in this case it would be cruel to not give your eldest the same.

treat them the same !

@KnittingMam do you have other DC? Think you should treat them the same wherever possible. I wouldn’t pay for the whole wedding but would ask if they would like a contribution. Do you still have the funds to do that? How much money?

Actually @KnittingMam is this a reverse?

I had no say in my Dds weddings the money was unconditional, I know you are just sharing your experience but I don't think that contributing necessarily means a "say". However your parents not treating you as an equal to your Sisters is just odd.

Treat equally

@KnittingMam if you helped them set up home then that could be deemed a similar contribution