Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

It sounds as though you can’t afford it and if that’s the case then you need to be upfront. You can’t control how your daughter will feel about that.

Of course you should treat them equally but that doesn't mean you need to think about it in terms of the wedding only. In fact, it would have made your life easier at this point to have to both of them that each would be getting £xx contribution from you when they wanted to call on it. it happened to be used for the older sister's wedding but your younger one may want to use it towards something else. That's up to her. The key is that the contribution is the same, not the circumstances. Any offer should be without strings! We paid for our own wedding and wanted to be able to do so, but we gladly used the small contributions from our parents towards buying our house. They, in turn, didn't feel they had to foot the entire bill of some event that was our idea. It meant they could offer equally to all their kids including those who didn't ever want to get married.

You have to offer her the same. Maybe they will use it towards a honeymoon?

But yes, you have to treat them equally or could cause real upset

Of course you should treat them equally, your poor daughter

Work out what you can afford, and offer it to her. You can always offer the same, minus £100 per head for each of your friends to be there.

If she doesn't need it for the wedding, she could invest it for your grandson's university or first house instead.

If she accepts, great. If she says it's too much, meet in the middle.

Just give them a sum of money that they can, if they wish to, use towards their wedding expenses. Ensure it is the same as their sister's and that way nobody can say they have been treated unfairly. They may decide to save it, pay a honeymoon, pay a bit off their mortgage, put into pensions etc. What is important is that they are treated the same. You cannot give one child less because the other has been successful through their hard work - that is not your place to comment. As a parent you must be seen to have no favourites.

“Seemed”. You are in danger of justifying a bad decision. Seemed has nothing to do with it. If you aren’t willing to treat them equally, you should have stuck to one. I treat mine equally, because I don’t want bad feeling in my family. It’s toxic. If she’ll spend less, then cheaper for you. You also can’t pay out according to who are your choices on the guest list. That would be just manipulative, which surely isn’t what you want.

You should absolutely offer the same sum you paid for your younger dd unless you want both your dds to believe you have a favourite, which is harmful to them both.

This is about so much more than the money.

She can reject the offer, but I'd be amazed if she does.

This has to be a reverse surely? 😳

Are you serious? Of course you should pay. You can’t pay for one daughter and not the other. Also, be careful not to make assumptions. On the surface of it, my family and I probably look fairly comfortable - kids, house, full time jobs but the reality is we live pay cheque to pay cheque and are terrified for what the future holds with regards to paying off our mortgage etc, as we are MILES off that and would kill for any boost in our income. On the other hand, my sister also got married much younger than me but has grown significant wealth so wouldn’t have ever needed the money, but that wouldn’t have been known at the time they got married. And there’s no way my parents would ever consider not being equal, regardless of how well off or not we are and I would absolutely agree this is right. When we come to inheriting any money (if we are lucky enough to), it would literally be a life line to my family, whereas to my sister, barely a drop in the ocean. But that doesn’t mean my parents shouldn’t and wouldn’t split everything equally. Of course they should.

Why don’t you offer to pay for the wedding and see what she says? She may feel that she and her fiancé want to do so themselves - in which case, you insist you want to contribute in some way like you did for her sister, and put the ball in her court as to what she’d like you to fund?

I’d always give equally financially, even if it didn’t get spent on the same thing.
My parents put £10k towards my sisters wedding. I have no plans to get married but I’m in a long term relationship and have a mortgage so they have gifted me £10k which I’ve put in bonds. They were originally planning hold onto the money but amend their will so that I got £10k more than my sister, they were that determined to keep it fair.

I laughed out loud at this and then told myself off. Rude!

Personally I think you can’t pay for one daughter’s wedding and not the other. It’s not essential to get married, your other daughter could have waited but she didn’t and you paid. I couldn’t treat two daughters differently - how do you think that would make her feel ?

Why can't you just gift the younger daughter the same amount of money you spent on eldest's wedding? What she spends it on is up to her. She still won't be getting the same value but it will at least look fair.

I think you should offer a similar contribution and see what they say. I think if you’ve given one child a large chunk of money (whether for a wedding, house deposit, paid for uni) you should try to keep it fairly equal. Of course no one knows whether their children will marry, have kids, go to uni, buy a house, but I think it’s fair and loving to offer equal amounts where you can.

Unless your financial situation has changed massively you nee to give your daughter the same support you gave to her sister.

You have to keep it fair and treat them equally

You need to offer the same as you did the first daughter who got married whether she 'seems' more independent or not.

Maybe things like this is the reason she's more independent, she knows you look after her sister but question whether you need too with her so she's just got used to it!

Just give her the money so if you spent 20k on the other wedding give her a cheque for the same, she then plans the wedding she wants or uses it for something else and pays for her own wedding. There shouldn't be strings

You should treat them equally. My parents had something similar. Being the eldest I got married first and I already had my 1st child. Although I paid for my own wedding, it was small because that is what we could afford. My parents gave us a large wedding gift on the day of our wedding which actually amounted to the registry office cost and the meal for those who attended like I said it was a very small wedding. My sister who didn’t have children before getting married and was older than I was when she did was financially much more secure than I was back in 2008. My parents bought her wedding dress instead of the larger wedding cash gift. It was different but was roughly equal value. You should absolutely treat your children the same now that doesn’t have to be done in exactly the same way but it should be equal and not based on how they financially secure they maybe.

I would treat them equally. But I wouldnt offer to pay for full wedding (unless money no object) i would offer the same amount that coverer previous wedding. Covers you if dd wants more expensive experience and she doesnt need to feel she has to stick to your budget.

My parents support my sibling more than me in every way - emotionally, financially, practically. This is because they are perceived to “need” it more than me.

I feel punished for being sensible, making good decisions and working hard. As a child I was praised for my independence and maturity … well I wasn’t expecting the consequences.

Their clear favouritism and inability to see it has impacted my relationship with my parents and my sibling.

Treat your children the same!!

Jesus, yes you need to offer at the very least. Or you can just watch your relationship with her go down the swanny.

Up to you of course, but you see there's a staggering agreement here for MN?

So you aren’t even going to offer, just assume? Maybe she doesn’t feel she can ask so she’s waiting for you to offer something? It sounds like a real game of favourites