Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

Quite astounded you have asked the question. Tret your children equally. Always

You have to at least have the conversation and offer her the same amount. Why are you making such a drama out of it.
of course you treat them the same, otherwise resentment builds!
Offer, explain you paid for her sisters wedding (and the amount) and you would like to do the same for her. Offer with the expectation she will say yes, and if she turns it down then thats her choice!
Also only offer with no strings attached! It’s horrible to think you can then dictate every aspect or who they invite etc. make it clear your contributing without expectation.

Treat them equally

Neither sister 'needs' the funds - weddings are not a need. But having offered to pay for one, OP would be wrong not to make an equivalent offer to the other, unless there'd been a very significant change in her financial circumstances. Not sure what's with the faux naïveté here.

You need to give your DD the same amount of money you spent on other DDs wedding. Anything else is favouritism. And tell your DD she can spend on her wedding or anything else she sees fits. No strings attached.

😆😆😆 glad to see the patriarchy alive and well from some insane mumsnetters. You must need to walk down the street with your eyes closed whilst clutching your pearls to avoid all the sin.

I can't go into details as its very outing but my parents didn't treat me and my sibling equally on the matter of paying for weddings and it is one of the reasons our relationship broke down.

If you can afford to, give her the same.

I could not treat mine unequally unless my circumstances had changed unexpectedly. If one gets help towards anything, I will be setting something aside to ensure the other will get the same and not hoping that they might not want it. Your reasons are really rather poor. If there is a significant gap between gifts I would be accounting for inflation too.

You won’t know unless you ask.

I agree that the way you approach it is key. Say something like, you know we paid for sister's wedding, so we would LIKE to do the same for you. If she comes back 'No - no need, it's all planned and taken care of' type of thing. Then offer to pay for a lovely honeymoon

it was always amazes me how parents can admit to such different treatment of their kids. You need to give her the same amount, she can refuse it, she can use it, it’s up to her. It’s your eldest your favourite? That’s why the youngest has always been more independent?

Yeah I’m the youngest and my parents always said I was more independent. Do you know why? Because they made me more independent. They were so focused on the needs of my older sisters that I got nothing from them. No time, no effort, and very little financial support in comparison (that I actually paid back in the end).

You should have planned for this from the start, and ensured they both got the same amount. The fact that your younger daughter is having a smaller wedding is neither here nor there, the amount you give them should be the same, and they can spend it as they wish. Maybe your younger daughter is too smart to throw money away at a big party and will use it to secure her future instead?

I once spent the same amount of money my sister spent on a car on a house deposit. You should reward intelligence, not use it as an excuse to mistreat your child.

Whatever one gets I always make sure the other gets same outlay, even if it’s at a different time.

@KnittingMam I think the fairest approach is to offer something if you’re able. It doesn’t have to be the same amount as your elder daughter’s wedding if you can't afford it (but explain that), but treating both daughters with the same spirit of support keeps things equal.

Your younger DD might be more financially secure and independent, but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t appreciate the gesture otherwise you are penalising her for her independence and rewarding your other daughter - what message does that give??

Weddings aren’t just about money, they’re family milestones. Even a smaller contribution (flowers, dress, photographer, whatever she’d find helpful) shows you’re just as invested in her day as you were in her sister’s. You can always frame it gently: “We’d love to help with your wedding as we did with your sister, just tell us what would be useful.”

That way she can accept or decline without pressure.

I think if you can afford it and fail to offer, it will make her feel 2nd rate.

You do at least have to offer the same amount, adjusted for inflation. You should never expect to invite your friends to either of your children’s weddings.
If you are finding the same amount of money a lot to contribute, then you should not have paid this for the other wedding.

I don't know the full details but my parents paid quite a lot towards my younger sister's wedding 10 years ago. I'm not married and have no plans to marry, but if I did then me and my partner would pay. We have decent jobs (better paid than my parents ever did), our own home, and we're in our 40s. I've been completely financially independent of my parents since my early 20s. But I'd be a bit offended if they didn't offer something. Which I think they would, but I would only accept a small contribution (e.g. paying for the cake) which I think would make them happy they were contributing but wouldn't be a huge sum of money.

So I think you should offer but don't be surprised (or offended) if they say no thanks.

Ah ok. So you gladly paid for the daughter’s wedding where you could show off to your friends what generous, supportive parents you are, but there’s no opportunity to do that at this other wedding so you’re not keen.

See, this is how I see it too. In our family, kids have had varying amounts of money spent on them for different things, at different times, without a shred of resentment from anyone. I know a lot of people - probably the vast majority - are adamant that everything should be shared equally all the time, and I completely understand why, but there are other ways of doing things. From the very beginning my children understood how it worked in our family, which could be why we’ve never had a problem.
Or maybe I’ve just been very lucky 🤷‍♀️

Do you not like your daughter ?

and your next response makes it even worse

' but we did have quite a few friends there, which I know my younger daughter wouldn’t want as she wants a much smaller wedding.'

so because you can't invite your friends, you don't want to pay for / towards her wedding WOW !!!

Of course you pay for the daughter's wedding the exact same amount as you gave your favourite daughter plus an amount for inflation / time gone by

You have 2 daughters, you treat them equally.

you, and your husband, might get lucky as she wants a smaller wedding so it may work out the same or less.

Don’t fall for the old trope that the one that seems independent doesn’t need help. I’ve seen lots of people posting on here who didn’t get the support from their parents for that reason and are very hurt. My mum used to tell me that my sister was more sensitive and needed more support. It’s nonsense.

If she doesn’t want the help she can say so but don’t risk hurting her deeply by not offering.

How old are your children?

She'd probably welcome the offer to contribute.. but wouldn't accept if it meant you invited all your own friends to it like you did with your eldest.

So it depends are you willing to give it unconditionally or not?

I think you need to pay the same for each DD really .If the younger one says No then offer more as a wedding gift maybe or treat to a lovely honeymoon ?Unless you are very strapped for cash this would be the fairest option I think

No surprise she's more independent.

Give the money to your daughter as a gift. You're just widening the rift otherwise.

Forget the fact it’s for a wedding. Think, if you gift one DD £15k, should you give the same amount of money to your other daughter? Of course you should.

It’s so startlingly obvious, I almost can’t believe this is a real question.

Anything else is pure favouritism.