Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

Surely you just make her offer amd ahe can accept/decline. Save yourself the unnecessary pondering.

My dad and inlaws paid for most of our wedding. My brother wanted something smaller and more casual so my dad gave him the same amount of money he gave me - he spent half on the simple catering etc and the rest on a car. Treating them equally is super important as that's how resentment grows. I'd just offer the same amount of money (if you can manage, or a similar lump sum anyway) and they can decide what to do with it.

I actually do get where you’re coming from, depending on how well off you are. If that will take a big chunk out of your savings and you don’t feel that they really need it. (if you’re much more comfortable than that though, that it wouldn’t make a difference then YABU).

However, regardless of my understanding of where you’re coming from I think you have to treat them equally. I would offer the same amount you gave your other daughter.

You just gift her the same amount of money you gave the other one. One seeming more mature so doesn't need as much help is incredibly unfair.

The wedding wasn't an essential that she needed. It was a complete luxury she didn't need you to pay for. You can't be so generous with one and not the other, it's complete favouritism.

Then don't offer to pay for the wedding!

Frame it as "as you know we paid for older DD's wedding. That's party because we wanted to have a few of our friends there. We know that you've planned a different type of wedding so ou don't necessarily want us to pay for it, but here's £x amount which you can put towards the wedding, or your honeymoon or wherever you feel the money could be best spent."

No, you should treat them equally.

Treat them equally. It sounds like you want to punish the daughter getting married next year for having her shit together.

Possibly you should talk to her then, she might not like to ask but you need at least to have a conversation. In my case that conversation would start with an offer of a contribution. Life with a mortgage and a child isn’t cheap.

Would you? I wouldn't if my sister needed the funds and I didn't.

Plus I'm a grown woman and don't feel as though my parents owe me anything.

If you don't treat them equally in this, it will look like arrant favouritism, however you try to justify it to yourself.

Yes you should gift a contribution but it shouldn't come with ties that you get to pick guests etc. And it doesn't need a conversation, you just say we are giving you x what are your bank details. Honestly no ides why some parents want to make it more difficult than it has to be.

You paid for her sister's so off course you do the same for your other daughter it's fair

This ⬆️with wedding bells 🔔 on!

Did you always have a favourite?

You really ought to treat them the same, but can you afford to? If your savings have depleted then you could offer them a contribution that you can afford. My mum paid towards my sisters wedding, then later on paid for the catering at mine. This was appreciated and it did not matter who got more as savings were less by the time I got marrried.

It depends.

Do you want a relationship with your daughter going forward?

If yes, then treat them equally.

If not, well, tell her what you've said here, especially the part about if you pay you'd want involvement in the guest list, etc, and since you know she won't want to have the wedding 'you' want her to have, you're saying no.

Sounds like they have been living in sin, I would not contribute anything.

Yes . Obviously.

You should treat all kids the same but hopefully they will say we’ve got a few quid Mam this is our day we’ll get on with it. Good luck.

I think you should make the offer of a gift of X amount that comes with no strings or conditions as to how it's spent.

When my brother got married a few years back my Dad sent me (and my other siblings) the same amount of money he had given my brother.

give your daughter the same amount of money, or if your circumstances have since changed offer “we would like to offer you £X as a wedding contribution, our circumstances have changed since your sisters wedding but we want you to have this with our love and support”

Do you know how much you spent on your other DDs wedding? You should offer this amount to your DD and she can spent it on the wedding, honeymoon or whatever if she is having a smaller wedding. Have you spoken to her about this? It reads like you haven’t.

So, you reward poor choices and irresponsibility?
Your other daughter got married young before she had a decent job and some money behind her, but still wanted a big fairy tale wedding so you stepped in and paid, but your other, more sensible independent daughter waited to have a good job and a home before having an expensive party so you don’t want to give her anything?

Just know that when you treat your kids like this, it does have an affect. Don’t expect your independent daughter to really be that bothered about you in the future when she realises that you don’t care for her the same way that you care for her sister.

And giving a cash gift towards a wedding doesn’t entitle you to ads your mates to the guest list, so saying “I can’t invite my friends so won’t be helping” is just despicable. You paid for the entire thing for the other one. Offer something for this.

Sounds like you really just don’t want to though, so we can all see who your favourite is.

Treat them the same. Always.

You should treat them equally, if DD doesn’t want as big a contribution to her wedding you give it in money as a wedding gift to make them equal.

Yet another parent punishing the most functional child. I’d think you were my mother except I have 2 brothers. What is it with parents who love a lame duck for a kid?