Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

Treat them equally, or at the very least offer to pay for some of the wedding

I’m not a big fan of seeing parents paying for their kids weddings because it promotes expectation . Mine offered to contribute and I refused , they gifted me a bit of money as a gift instead and I’m very helpful .
Maybe do the same .

Of course it’s not a fair way to look at it.
And of course you should contribute like you did your other child.
Quite frankly I’m gobsmacked that you think this huge disparity is okay and that you need to ask MN. Have you always showed favouritism to one child?

I hope this is a reverse. And if not I really hope that this is not the pattern of your behaviour.

I would ask her if there's anything you can help with or pay for. I think it depends on your own financial situation at this moment in time and I don't think you're obliged as a parent, to pay for her wedding because you did it for your eldest daughter. In that scenario you were helping them out as they were in a different financial situation. Context is very important. Both of my parents contributed towards something for my wedding i.e. my dress or the flowers. My parents are also divorced and neither one offered to pay for our entire wedding, however I would not be offended at all if they decided to pay for any of my younger siblings weddings, which is essentially the reverse of your situation. I'd be happy for them, as we were lucky enough to be able to pay for our own wedding and took great pride in doing so.

Oh my God, treat your children equally. Can not believe you are asking this!

Give her the same money as your other daughter. I'm sure she'll understand if it doesn't cover the whole cost.

Unless your daughter is super rich, or course offer to pay!! You can’t treat them differently, imagine how your daughter will feel. But make sure it’s HER day and not yours, if she doesn’t want YOUR friends there then she shouldn’t have to.

You can treat and love your children equally and spend different amounts of money on them for all sorts of reasons.

Good grief. Are you going to leave less in your will too as she doesn't need it?

Of course equally.

they shouldn’t be punished because they have a home and a kid. In some ways they may need it more!

it’s weird that you mention your friends. Were you able to invite your friends because you’d paid?? Were they your daughter’s friend too. I wouldn’t have my parents friends at my wedding unless they were close family friends.

@KnittingMam
Shame on you for even asking
Do you want your youngest to assume you've always loved her older sister more than herself ?
The resentment that'll cause, whilst rumbling on in the background of everyone's lives will never quite stop
And your last will and testament may be assumed to have been done the same as you did for both their weddings too ......

Unfortunately as a single parent I could not afford to contribute to DD1 wedding asI had 3 younger children to support. My Ds1 is now married and equally I couldn't afford to contribute to that either.
I think times have changed a lot and costs are ridiculous but if you can afford it and they want the help then that would be the nice thing to do.

You should absolutely give the same sum of money to both, just as you should in a will, othewise they could think that their sibling is favoured over them.

When you paid for the first childs wedding you should really have set the same amount aside for when the other needed it or given it to them for them to use on something else. If you didn’t have enough for both you should have only given the first child half so you could give equally.

Anyway now you are where you are. If you can’t afford it I think you need to have a very apologetic conversation with the daughter you aren’t going to give money to to reassure them that it isn’t a reflection of your affection for them.

I gave my son and DIL a 5 figure contribution towards their wedding. I explained that half of it was a contribution to the wedding and half was a wedding present, but I felt that it was better to give them the whole lot upfront, so if they wanted to use it on the wedding they could, or if they wanted to spend it on something else that was also fine. I also made it very clear that my gift did not mean that I had any expectation of how the wedding should be organised, who came etc - I wanted them to have the wedding they wanted. I have no idea whether they made any changes to their wedding plans after my gift.

If my other son, who has less earning potential, gets married I will do the same - potentially slightly more if enough years have passed that the gift wouldn't be roughly equivalent.

The only fair thing to do is to offer an equivalent amount to the amount you gave/paid for your other daughter.

🙄🙄

Treat equally. Why would you even ask the question?

Well it’s obvious who your favourite is.

OP why is this even a question? Genuinely?

Unless your finances have drastically declined, you need to give them the same amount. Or at least offer. Maybe they would like to use it for a honeymoon, fixing up the house, whatever.
The point is you cannot give one money and not give/offer to the other for the same occasion.

You should treat them equally and any other suggestion is just nasty. Just because they’ve done life in a different order it doesn’t mean they won’t appreciate the help

You treat your daughters equally regardless. If you do it for one you do it for both

Treat them equally!!!
And also any other kids you may have, if/when it comes to it.

Why are you even asking ? Of course treat them the same

Please, please treat them equally. At least offer. I can tell you from person experience that it does hurt when your parents always give to your siblings and not you.