Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

Nothing to do with being mercenary - I would be gutted if my mum showed such clear favouritism to my sister over me. It's awful to want to extend a helping hand to one of your children but not the other.

Did you expect your friends to be there because you paid? Have you spoken to your DD?

Equal every time, you don't really know what their needs/finances are it's none of your business tbh. If you gift one you should gift the other the same without an exceptional reason IMHO.

Absolutely! I'm surprised that anyone needs to ask!

You really sound as though you don’t want to pay anything towards this wedding. Just offer the same amount to this daughter. And don’t add the caveat that “of course you might not want us to help” which will make her feel she must turn it down. It’s weird that you’re thinking like this.

You need to offer the same support as you gave to other DD. Otherwise it reads as either blatant favouritism, or that you're punishing your younger DD for getting herself into a more secure financial position before getting married

Ah. Good call. It does seem strange......

For my son and his partner wedding
Im paying for all the extras so photographer videographer, venue decorator and Photo Booth
this will be about 7k

Ive also put aside some extra money for any extras

Ive asked if I can invite a few of my friends but I am happy to pay for their meals so no extra cost to my son and his partner and they are happy with this

Why wouldn't you treat your daughters equally?
If you're the daughter - have you spoken to your parents about this?

I wouldn’t “pay for the wedding” as such but if you gave the other daughter £5k or whatever you gave her, you should gift the daughter getting married the same I would say. If you don’t it’ll cause a huge amount of resentment.

Id give them exactly the same amount of money. Tell them its a contribution yo the wedding or they can use it towards a honeymoon. I think its unfair to punish their success or stability.

On what planet would you even consider not offering? Your poor daughter.

Talk to her, and offer the same plus inflation.

Treat them equally. How could you not?

I'm assuming if you could afford to pay for all of one DD's wedding, you would have made provision for the second DD.

You said that your elder DD invited quite a few of your friends. And your DD wants a smaller wedding and so probably won't ... is that why you think you don't need to contribute? The younger will have a smaller wedding, so it will cost much less.

She's probably having a smaller wedding as she does have a mortgage and your grandson to care for. A smaller wedding would be a much more intimate affair and probably just as much fun. If you want a party with your friends, you could host that in the run up.

I paid for my own wedding, and my MIL invited quite a lot of her friends/relatives My DM found out and invited a substantial amount of hers at the last minute. I barely knew them but wasn't good at standing up for myself in those days. We had a tiny flat and were broke for a long time afterwards, with both of us taking on evening jobs as well to make ends meet. I have to say given their total lack of contribution, I resented the selfishness of both in doing that to us.

If you don't know whether your DD wants a contribution or not - ask her. But I'm guessing with paying for a new home and taking care of her DS, probably paying for childcare, that she may well need it. Also, it might delay any future plans to have another child if she gets no contribution at all. It's good that she's getting married tho to safeguard her own security and her child's future.

Treat them equally - unless they are doing something mega OTT.

I just don’t know whether she’d want us to pay for anything

So ask her!

"Obviously we'd love to contribute to your wedding as we helped your sister with hers - is there anything in particular you'd like us to pay for?"

You say that a lot of your friends attended your other daughter's wedding. Is your reluctance to contribute because this DD wants a smaller wedding and won't wear you insisting she invites any old Tom, Dick or Harry along if you put money in?

You treat your daughters equally. You paid for your older daughter's wedding, so you should pay for your younger daughter's wedding as well. All the factors you emntion don't really matter one bit. It sounds to me like you're looking for an excuse to get out of spending money on your younger daughter. That's not okay.

I never understand when parents want to give more to one child because "they earn less", "are younger", "will inherit less", or ANY other lame excuse. How is any of that the fault of the child that'll potentially miss out on equal treatment? It's not parents' responsibility to assess their children's assets or circumstances, all they have to do is treat their children absolutely equally. One sibling doesn't get more than the other.

I think you could reasonably deduct the costs of your friends and offer that budget to your daughter, explaining that you paid for your friends to attend too. Don't punish independence and sensible financial planning.

Have you asked her? Could she just have assumed that you would? Is there a difference in how you get on with both daughters?

I completely agree with this.
You quite obviously don't want to contribute to this daughter's wedding, who is effectively being penalised for being sensible with her finances.
Blatant favouritism which will come back to bite you, and possibly drive a wedge between your daughters.
Why would you want this???

Treat equally or cause a rift.

Of course you should! DH always worked really hard, whereas his sister worked “nicer” jobs with fewer hours. His parents always equal things out by paying for things for her, so she gets the same lifestyle as DH, but not paying for him as he doesn’t need it. So it results in DH working harder and longer, but getting the same as his sister in terms of childcare, holidays and weddings etc. this is what you’re doing to your daughters.

Oh, right. Is this another reverse?

I’d give her the same amount but you can deduct some for the guests that you invited to the other sisters wedding.
It might be good tax planning too!

You should save your money, in case your favourite daughter needs further financial assistance!
Of course you should treat them equally! This is mental!

I don’t know, our younger daughter has always seemed so more independent and as she’s 10 years older than her sister was when she got married and has her little boy, I just don’t know whether she’d want us to pay for anything

Talk to her. See how she & her DP feel about it. They may prefer to pay their own way, as they have so far.

But on the surface, it looks very unfair. Sometimes DC are independent because they anticipate their needs won't be met, or they have the experience of their needs not being met.

Could you offer something else they'd like? The honeymoon cost, or a cash payment towards their mortgage?