My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t an underlying reason that wasn’t cost. Maybe Granny has racist, homophobic or classist views that he doesn’t want others to be exposed to? Maybe something happened during her being very involved in his upbringing that he doesn’t want the OP to know. It would be unusual that someone would do something that would knowingly cause a fallout without reason.

Ultimately it’s up to the nephew and fiancé. All the people saying ‘I would always invite granny’ is great, but it’s not their wedding. People can do what they like and will have to deal with whatever fall out comes from that.

I think it is so sad , especially if she was a hands on grandma. My mom would have been devastated if she had not been invited to her grandchild wedding. We recently had a family wedding & she attended the service & left early evening . We have some very selfish people in families these days. I'm so sorry your mom has been left out.

This.

It sounds a pretty low key wedding if the reception is actually in a pub back room. I would have thought a grandma might prefer to see the actual marriage ceremony than the reception, in this case. Where is the ceremony taking place?

You’ve battled with everyone saying it’s within his right.

and by the way, just because you don’t know of any bad blood, does not mean there isn’t any.
Am only now in my late 30s and learning of family dramas I knew nothing about.

It isn’t her wedding so no it isn’t.

Do you meddle in people’s life everytime someone is upset?

I really do understand but no. Not your wedding, not your monkeys.

She has been invited. To the evening.
What s the issue?

I stand up for what’s right in my family, a loving GM, should not be excluded.

Do you just think “I’m alright Jack”, it’s all about me and if I’m happy, sod anyone else?

Reading this post, I was really sad for your DM. However, reading your last few abrasive replies, I’m now actually wondering if your attitude to other people and sense of entitlement have anything to do with why DN doesn’t stay in touch? Is your DM the same?
Also, why have you got involved? Surely it’s your DM’s place to speak to her DN or DD if she’s upset by this?
DN having a good salary doesn’t mean they can afford to invite everyone. Weddings are expensive! My friend is getting married at a pretty average venue later this year and they’re charging £150 per head!

I can only offer you the same advice I offered my own children when they got married.
“it’s your wedding; it’s your day, it’s about you two, no one else, you invite who you want to invite, friends family or foe, it’s your choices & if people get pissed off or upset tough luck it’s not about them it’s all about you !! Dad & I will back you up 100% in every decision you make” on that note it’s his wedding keep your beak out it’ll cause a row & end with you being the villain trying to ruin his day suck it up wish him well & enjoy the day!!

I think that was explained in the OP.

I honestly can't get my head round someone not inviting their grandmother to their wedding ceremony.

I'd have loved to be able to invite my grandparents, but three were dead and one was in a nursing home with dementia when I got married. My husband's only surviving grandparent was the guest of honour.

Everyone needs to remember that we have only one person’s perception of the relationship between nephew and granny. We do not know if she is loving, non toxic or abusive or not. Why on earth would he invite his aunty to the whole thing and not his granny if there wasn’t a reason?

Na.

I also think GM should be invited but if any of my children wouldn’t want to invite anyone…I will just not peep a word and let them deal with it in their own time and manner.
if said child/person comes and ask me yes. Otherwise, let them grow and make their mistake. I do hope I won’t see some mistake like this but I shall do my best to not intervene.

I disagree with people saying not to get involved, I would definitely get involved if my 81 year old mother was not invited to her grandchild wedding. If there was history eg she was toxic and they fell out ok maybe but not in this situation.

We seem to be falling into this individualistic society and no one wants to speak up and get involved for what is right.

You are doing the right thing by raising it with your sister and trying to advocate for your mother. Is your mother aware and what has she said?

I'm sorry but your nephew is being very very short sighted and ridiculous to make such a decision. As a bride I would be mortified if my husband to be told me he wants inviting his grandmother to cut costs but I guess today it's just me me me with no care how decisions affect other people and families.

I can't believe people are suggesting you keep quiet and just go the wedding and pretend like nothing wrong is happening, lots of weak cowards on here. Don't speak up for fear of being uninvited is so laughable and wrong that I can't even fathom anyone would think like that.

She has been invited. To the evening.
What s the issue?

An evening invite is what you give work colleagues. For your grandmother, it's a massive snub.

“it’s your wedding; it’s your day, it’s about you two, no one else, you invite who you want to invite, friends family or foe, it’s your choices & if people get pissed off or upset tough luck it’s not about them it’s all about you !! Dad & I will back you up 100% in every decision you make

No offense but that's terrible advice, potentially. Maybe in the case of your children it was fine, if you know them to be kind, reasonable people, but would you really stand there starry-eyed at your offspring while they hurt and offended your own elderly mum?

How awful of your nephew. it's not lack of manners, it's much worse. Your nephew has no idea what's important in life.

I disagree with people saying not to get involved, I would definitely get involved if my 81 year old mother was not invited to her grandchild wedding. If there was history eg she was toxic and they fell out ok maybe but not in this situation.
It is also the grooms mothers 81 year old mum. I am fairly sure she knows the relationship - and better than anyone here, or even her sibling, does. Nobody knows "the situation" except those actually involved.

I can't believe people are suggesting you keep quiet and just go the wedding and pretend like nothing wrong is happening, lots of weak cowards on here. Don't speak up for fear of being uninvited is so laughable and wrong that I can't even fathom anyone would think like that.
If the OP doesn't want to go, that'll be fine. I doubt she'll be missed.

We seem to be falling into this individualistic society and no one wants to speak up and get involved for what is right.
Seriously, you are actually saying that people have no right to do what they want and should live by the lights of a judgemental bunch of strangers on MN because that is "society". If MN is "society" then I fear for the future of the human race. We have a thread where people are arguing the RNLI should let people drown, apologists for genocide, and darlings struggling to live on 6 figure salaries who think that the poor should be left to die penniless - and "societies" biggest concern should be who gets to go to a wedding?

Na I’d call my children out on that behaviour. It’s amazing how many wouldn’t though. Some just can’t see their offspring could possibly be wrong.

Not that mine would dream of doing that.

If my dc chose to exclude a grandparent from their wedding and be entirely selfish Id really question my parenting.

I would defo think it is wrong. Still leave them to it or grandma to address.
it depends their age maybe?? But In their 30s like this is the case. Nope.

If someone was wanting to cut costs, a grandparent wouldn’t be the first one off the list would they? I would be interested in your sister’s explanation. I would be very disappointed if any of my kids didn’t invite my mother or MIL to their wedding

Don’t care their age, they need to understand upset they’re causing.. it won’t be for just the day.

The damage will be done forever.

That’s really inconsiderate of him. How cruel to his gran. I’d be surprised if your sister is okay with that. I know it’s their wedding and up to them who they invite, but that really is just not nice.

I think men can just be quite thoughtless (and just not give a crap) sometimes. My brother is the same. He lives the closest to our grandparents, would only take him half hour to get to them, never ever visits. Never calls or messages. It takes me 5 1/2 hrs and I visit a few times a year for 4-5 days at a time, call weekly, message every few days.

Shouldn’t they already though?

the real question is why is she not?and whatever reason behind that isn’t going to be close family.