My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

It’s not up to you who DNeph or anyone else invites to their wedding. If you’re unhappy about it don’t go yourself.

They're both adults and should be left alone to manage their relationship. Your sister will, no doubt, be aware of the fact that gran has been left off the guest list and will have had a conversation with him about it.

In the meantime, you're quite chippy about some of the responses. You've asked the question on an open forum on the Internet. Did you think that everyone was going to agree with you? That's not really how mumsnet works, where if you have 5 people commenting you'll get 7 different opinions

Has your sister had chance to reply to you yet @WildflowerGardens ?

But the damage is already done years ago. He doesn't make any effort to speak to or have contact with his grandmother at all. So having no contact with her going forward because she's upset isn't some great hardship to him. He's been snubbing her attentions all his adult life. He's not committed some heinous crime with the evening invite, he's acting the same way towards her that he's always acted.

If someone goes their entire adult life not responding when you reach out to them with cards or messages, I find it weird and a bit deranged to keep contacting the person. I'm wondering why grandmother hasn't taken the hint long ago and stopped contacting him.

Given that they have no relationship, an evening invite seems appropriate to me, a token gesture because she's family. If she was any other random person he wasn't related to she wouldn't be invited at all, given there's no emotional ties. His own mother is seemingly fine with and understanding of the decision too and hasn't even bothered to respond to OP questioning it.

It's OP and his grandmother who have decided she has an important place in his life. The man himself clearly doesn't agree, he reached adulthood and cut ties. I find it strange that in those circumstances anyone would be expecting grandmother to receive an invite to the wedding. It seems like sticking their heads in the sand to me.

Constantly contacting someone who never responds, maybe downplaying it and infantilising him like oh he's a man they're bad at keeping in touch etc, instead of facing reality that he's choosing not to be in touch for whatever reason. Now they've had it spelled out to them that he's not interested and they're shocked, which is their own fault IMO for not paying attention to the very obvious signs he's been displaying for ages that this is the case.

Society as a whole needs to stop babying men and acting like they somehow can't stay in touch with people if they want to, like they're genetically forgetful or thoughtless or far too busy in Big Important Jobs, like it's a side effect of that Y chromosome to be unable to contact people. I think men are very good at centering themselves in their own lives and doing exactly what they want, so if a male relative isn't keeping in touch it's because he doesn't want to.

This is just lovely. Thank you for sharing it. Made me quite tearful.
my grandfather had a stroke when I was a teenager; I’d have given anything for him to be at my wedding.but he died before I got married. I had rosemary for remembering him in my bouquet tho.

Let’s hope he pays the same respect at her funeral and keeps well away, he certainly won’t be wanted.

I think this is really sad. Yes of course your mum should be coming but surely your focus should be on your daughter, the bride. Why are middle aged women always the default carer and their needs and wants don't matter? I would pay for a carer for the day to support your mum with her practical needs so you can enjoy being mother of the bride and being present for your daughter.

Can you afford to pay for her meal etc? That might be an option? I’m surprised your sister hasn’t already asked why she isn’t invited like you say it’s nice for her to be there most people would invite grandparents out of courtesy even if they don’t see them. The lad would not be here if it wasn’t for his grandma but it should be your sister sorting this out with her ds.

I love my grandchildren with the kind of passion with which I loved their mother and aunt as children. I never thought I'd have that again, but I've had a second chance and I love every minute. And they seem to love every minute with me.
Even the thought of one of them as an adult, choosing not to invite me to their wedding, is hard to begin to get my head around. And I can't imagine their mum or aunt letting that happen without speaking up for me.

I'm sure that all those saying 'keep your nose out' will feel entirely differently when they're grandmothers or mothers of a bride or groom.

You don't know that. He might go to support his mother, if she wants him to.

how insightful

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hopefully the rest of the family make him feel very disingenuous.

Exactly!

Yes, and she's learned from my side, not her father's side, and knows how to resolve issues with people. She would never do what her grandmother has done herself. Some things don't need to be forgiven and I support my DD in her decision. It was very fair and reasonable.

If the church was too small, get a bigger church. Or grandma, under normal circumstances, should be a priority guest, you'd think. It is odd she wasn't invited in the OP's situation, but there has to be some sort of reasoning behind it.

For going to a funeral that his mother wants him to go to, to support her because she wants his support? Yeh how shitty that would be of him, not.

The rosemary for remembrance was a lovely touch.

Who on earth doesn't invite their elderly grandmother to their wedding?! The video of my "ancient" grandmother and my great aunt rocking to We are Family is legendary (and on YouTube 😂). They are both late eighties.

Tell your sibling it's just weird. And you're not allowed to prevent people coming to the actual ceremony so she could attend that, you take her out and then you both go to the evening do.

Unless there's a very ery good reason, no wedding gift.

Good grief. It isn’t “constantly contacting”, it’s the odd birthday and Christmas card. People like you, selfish and self absorbed, are the reason there’s a loneliness epidemic in the UK.

And refuses any inheritance that might filter its way to him. What a selfish self absorbed little shit

If only I could have your user name?! But I can't, so I have it on a t-shirt instead.... Almost feels like we're related lol.

Saddened by the self centeredness epidemic that is growing in the UK .. it’s plain wrong to split families like this -unless you actively dislike members of your family or they can’t behave in a social setting and would ruin your day if this is not the case I think your sister should be appalled on your mothers behalf & speaking to her son and his wife to be. I don’t think I could like or respect any person who uses money as the reason to cause such emotional harm to such a close relative - as family would chip in to cover the meal if it’s such a big deal - I think it’s thoughtless, cold and uncaring and I think the couple should be ashamed.. I hope you and your family wrap your arms around her so she knows she is cared for..

Is this a windup thread? You sound delightful OP. No wonder your DN keeps his distance.

Does seem a little odd that she isn’t invited if no issues

grandkids usually visit their gp rather then gp go to their houses I’ve found

very surprised his mum, your sister , so both your mums isn’t invited and even more so that his mum, your sister hasn’t said course nanny / my mum is coming
or why isn’t nan/mum invited

Does he like his grandmother or have any affection for her? Blood doesn’t mean people automatically get on and he may well have friends who do far more for him and mean far more to him than relatives he barely sees. The loneliness epidemic is because so many people focus only on family connections, no matter they don’t get on or like each other or live close enough, instead of building wider communities with friends and neighbours they actually share lives with. I do think it unusual that you were invited for the whole day but your mum wasn’t so you’re best waiting to hear back from your sister.

As an aside I had no affection for my own grandmother (mum’s mum) - I barely knew her past being a child and didn’t think she treated my mum well at all and favouritism for mum’s sister was jarring, though my mum worshipped her. We were perfectly civil the few times we did meet. She passed before I got married but I wouldn’t have invited her anyway as we were practically strangers by that point and I only wanted close friends and family celebrating such an intimate moment. Not saying this is similar to your nephew’s situation but people hide their true feelings about family very well until an event or occurrence brings it to the surface. He’s either thoughtless or just may just not care enough and as hurtful as it is, he has no real obligation to anyone beyond his parents and wife as far as family go.