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Original poster

I don't want to make a scene...

222 replies

Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 16:59

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

OP posts:
Disappointedneighbour · 14/05/2025 17:05

I think this is fine surely? It's her hen do - it's a celebration of her final moments as a 'single woman' before tying the knot, therefore it's an event with/for her nearest and dearest, particularly those most connected to the life she'll be leaving behind (metaphorically). I wouldn't expect the mother of the groom to be there?

WearyAuldWumman · 14/05/2025 17:07

I feel that you're overthinking it, OP. The restricted hen-do is for the bride's side only.

Fitzcarraldo353 · 14/05/2025 17:07

You can't see the difference between inviting her own mum and her fiance's mum?

Her mum is one of her close hens, and you're going to the other one.

I honestly am very surprised you're upset by this!

ACatNamedRobin · 14/05/2025 17:08

Jesus

MNpenisadvisor · 14/05/2025 17:09

You're surprised she's closer to her own mother than her future spouses mother? 🤔

Cynic17 · 14/05/2025 17:10

I have read so many hen do threads and they are all insane.
It. Does. Not. Matter.
Any of it.
Presumably, OP, you are going to the wedding? Just be grateful that you have escaped the misery of an abroad "hen do"!

Not to mention the endless nonsense of a "say yes to the dress" (what is that?), two hen dos, and a rehearsal dinner, with speeches! What happened to just having a ceremony followed by a meal, ie an actual wedding? I feel like some people live on a different planet to me!

Pancakeflipper · 14/05/2025 17:11

I doubt it's a reflection on you. It is probably more about the relationship she has with her mother - sounds like they are close.

Being invited to the other hen-do is a result (I gather on MN the MIL to-be doesn't fair well with a lot of bride's.

Don't let this negativity live in your mind anymore.

CaptainFuture · 14/05/2025 17:11

Isn't it lovely she's invited you to her home hen? Is that not enough? Why on earth would you create a scene? What about?!

justkeepswimingswiming · 14/05/2025 17:12

It’s brides side only isn’t it? It doesn’t matter. Gate crash your sons stag.

CarpetKnees · 14/05/2025 17:12

You are being ridiculous.

I speak as a soon-to-be mother of the groom.

Eyesopenwideawake · 14/05/2025 17:13

You are waaaay overreacting. It’s her mum and it’s her side of the wedding party, nothing to do with her not wanting you there. Kindly, you need to get a grip.

Maddy70 · 14/05/2025 17:16

I misread I thought you were the brides mum.
You are being utterly ridiculous. This is for her hens, her closest friends and her mum. Definitely not you that would be weird

SpunkySquid · 14/05/2025 17:16

It’s sad so many think this is ok. When I got married we made sure everything was equal, both sides were invited to everything, no one was left out.

BethDuttonYeHaw · 14/05/2025 17:29

It’s totally fine for her to invite her mum
and not you.

you have different relationships.

skinnyoptionsonly · 14/05/2025 17:31

Big over reaction. Do you generally have rejection issues ?

it’s the most reasonable situation tbh.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2025 17:40

Then don’t make a scene. She’s involved you in loads including one of her hen dos. Honestly, this is absolutely ridiculous.

Expensivecoffee · 14/05/2025 17:52

Your heartbroken because she`s going with her OWN mum on HER hen do.
Have a cup of tea op.
This is not about you its her wedding her plans her hen do with her mum.

CleanShirt · 14/05/2025 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hatty65 · 14/05/2025 17:54

I think you are nuts! She's going abroad with her Mum and closest friends.

She's invited you to the hen party for other friends and family. (I wouldn't want to go to either, personally).

I find it hard to believe that any middle aged woman could get upset or hurt about this!

Snugglemonkey · 14/05/2025 17:55

You don't want to make a scene, so don't. This is not a reflection on you. She has
included you a lot!

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 14/05/2025 17:56

I am wondering if there's some cultural aspect to this which is making it more dramatic for the OP than i would recognise from my own background.

From my perspective as someone born and living on the UK I wouldn't be surprised at the mother of the bride going to a hen but not the mother of the groom, often the hen party people are very close to the bride, sometimes even friends from childhood who would also have a pre existing relationship with the brides mother. I'm not sure I've ever been on a hen do that included the Mother in Law (except for a meal including all family type of thing.)

Op it sounds like you have a good relationship with your DIL and she has included you in a lot of stuff, I just think you need to recognise that even though you're close you aren't always going to be invited to everything. Maybe focus on the nice things you have done together and make sure not to let this sour your relationship. Weddings can be a stressful time with a lot of emotions involved, it's not the time to add a conflict into all of that.

Overthebow · 14/05/2025 17:59

This isn’t about you OP. She is going to be closer to her mum and it’s not unusual for a mum to go to the closer hen do. You’re going to one of her hen dos and the dress fitting. Don’t ruin it by being overly emotional about this.

Iloveeverycat · 14/05/2025 18:00

Is it a new thing to take your mother on your hen night. I wouldn't expect my own DD to invite me it never used to be a thing just used to be for friends only

CarpetKnees · 14/05/2025 18:02

Iloveeverycat · 14/05/2025 18:00

Is it a new thing to take your mother on your hen night. I wouldn't expect my own DD to invite me it never used to be a thing just used to be for friends only

Edited

I got married over 30 years ago and had a meal out with all the family ladies and a few friends - including my MiL, Aunty-i-L, and 2x Grandmas-i-L, so no, not new.

Mischance · 14/05/2025 18:04

Two hens, a pre-wedding dinner and then a wedding! Blimey they are going for it!

I think you need to let this wash by you to be honest. You have good relationships with all these people and you need to build on that rather than harbouring a resentment. You need to play the long game - this is the rest of your life.