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Original poster

Best man hates me, help?

146 replies

shattered25 · 28/04/2023 03:19

My partner wants his best friend to be best man obviously.

But he hates me, I've never met him but my partner chats to him and I've overheard him slagging me off constantly. From the moment my partner met me he's automatically saying awful things about me without even knowing me.

My partner must have disclosed my trauma to him at one point (I have PTSD) and he was taking the piss out of it, telling my partner I should just get over it by now and he should leave me and ignore me when I struggle with it :( (it was a serious sexual trauma with police involvement)

I'm dreading the speech what would you do?

OP posts:
FrostyFifi · 28/04/2023 08:31

Oh and ADHD doesn't make you a cunt.

BreviloquentBastard · 28/04/2023 08:36

I don't really think your partner is doing the right thing here in saying "meet this person who has been absolutely vile about you, you'll see!" Of course he's not going to say this shit to your face.

I personally couldn't marry someone who prioritised his "duty" to some nasty cunt over me and my feelings. I expect more respect from a life partner than that.

Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 08:37

shattered25 · 28/04/2023 07:22

But ultimately if I meet him and he's still an arse he won't be invited.

I know my partner has flaws, as do I. But the reason I vouch for him is I know I can talk to him openly on any issues with his behaviour and he will change and better himself. From when I first met him he is completely different now. (Not in a control him change him way, but more responsible, thoughtful) to find someone who can admit faults and actively remedy it for it to not happen again is a very promising trait x

And yet some people aren't horrible nasty people in the first place. Honestly people don't fundamentally change who they are, they learn because they're told what behaviours particular people have issue with and work to make sure they don't do it, but it often doesn't last and most decent people are aware.

Wonnle · 28/04/2023 08:37

RampantIvy · 28/04/2023 07:40

How can you hate someone you have never met?

I hate James Cordon , never met him though

Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 08:38

FrostyFifi · 28/04/2023 08:31

Oh and ADHD doesn't make you a cunt.

Also this regarding his friend. They both sound quite similar in honesty, please find some self respect and someone who doesn't think poorly of you.

Neopolitan · 28/04/2023 08:39

The ADHD is an excuse here. ADHD makes you inattentive, hyperactive etc. It doesn't make you a horrible person. It doesn't make you slag off people. Your finance is saying ADHD makes his friend horrible and nasty. That's a cop-out. ADHD does not alter your personality or character. And, if your fiance knows his friend behaves like this, all the more reason he would be careful what he says about you to him. So your fiance' should be extra careful with his friend. So what your fiance' said doesn't even add up.

Greenfairydust · 28/04/2023 08:39

What I would do is not marry a guy who allows his friend to criticise his chosen life partner in this way...

amylou8 · 28/04/2023 08:47

Do not marry this man. He lets his friend talk about you like that, comes home and tells you, then wants him to be best man at your wedding!!!

Neopolitan · 28/04/2023 08:48

Forgot to say, who your friends are, define you. You are known by the company you keep. What you can see is that your fiance' has very low class taste in mates. It says everything about your fiance' and what quality of man he is that he even gives the time of day to this friend of his. I wouldn't marry him on this point alone, forgetting about all the other stuff he does such as disrespecting your privacy etc.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 28/04/2023 08:50

I would have said 'banter' was teasing someone when they are present, not making fun of someone's trauma behind their back. That's called 'spite'.

1037370E · 28/04/2023 08:51

Sorry but you are missing the point - your partner is the problem, not his friend. Everyone is saying it but you seem determined not to hear it, or to make excuses for him. He's not 'an oversharer', he is disloyal and untrustworthy and thinks more of his friend than he does about you. Just because you have a wedding planned and a child together, doesn't mean you have to tolerate a life time of this shit.

RampantIvy · 28/04/2023 08:54

I would have said 'banter' was teasing someone when they are present

I would add that it is when all parties find it funny. I hate it that bitching, bullying and generally unpleasant behaviour is dressed up as "banter". It isn't.

DeflatedAgain · 28/04/2023 08:54

Something is not adding up here.

RichardHeed · 28/04/2023 09:08

Hoppinggreen · 28/04/2023 08:31

Your fiancé is the issue.
How dare he tell people your private business and how can he be friends with such an awful man

This exactly. OP you're so blinded by 'the best man' you can't see your partner is the red flag here. What the actual fuck is he doing sharing information about an event that caused you PTSD?? I bet there are a million other red flags about him being ignored.

ShinyPikachu · 28/04/2023 09:18

Purplehyena · 28/04/2023 06:20

My (now) husband had a friend like this, just didn’t like me. They’d been best friends since they were two. I think it stems from jealously, he’s a committed bachelor and wasn’t happy at his friend settling down, not being up for partying every night and travelling the world together any more.
My husband didn’t take it, pulled him up on his behaviour everytime and when it came to the wedding went with someone else who is actually supportive if the relationship.
My husband and the ‘best friend’ now only speak a couple of times a year, sad that it ended like that but how it needed to be.

This is so similar to what happened with me and DH and his "friend" but the friend crossed a line with something he said about me so DH unfriended him completely. They'd been friends since childhood, I've known both since we were teens and I didn't like the friend then. I tried to get along with him for DH's sake, hoping he had grown up since then but he really hadn't. Needless to say he didn't even get an invitation to the wedding, never mind being asked to be best man. DH has never regretted his decision. The last we heard he had split up with wife #3 and was living the bachelor life again (not that being married stopped him doing that, he definitely would have taken DH to a strip club/private dance and all that if he had organised the stag).

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 28/04/2023 09:19

Sorry OP you are angry at the wrong person here. Your husband to be is so lacking in respect.love.decency etc towards you its frankly shocking.

Original poster
shattered25 · 28/04/2023 09:20

I'm calling it off, I don't think a wedding should cause so much drama already. I just wanted to marry the man I love and become a family. But if so much stress and confusion is blown up before marriage I feel I'm just blinded by the dream of a family :( I don't think I'll delay it, just accept no marriage. I don't see how waiting a year or two would change anything in regards to these issues. Perhaps it's all a delay tack tick anyway, his way of getting out of it by forcing my hand :(

OP posts:
SallyWD · 28/04/2023 09:22

The issue isn't his stupid and horrible friend but the fact your DH is still best mates with him!!
Why on earth does he want him as best man at his wedding when he's so horrible about you?!

fryanddry · 28/04/2023 09:24

Your fiance sounds like a beta male and his friend doesnt respect HIM and by extension you
That means you are marrying a man who will always be walked over by others and he will also allow others to walk over you
Dont do this

Mummyof287 · 28/04/2023 09:33

Your partner sounds like one of those awful cowardly blokes who acts like a teenager still, desperate to be popular with 'lads' who are dicks.

If he loved you like he should, then he would never collude with anyone else to speak about you badly, and certainly wouldn't want or allow someone who was unkind about/to you to best man.

And having 'no filter' isn't a reason to say horrible things about someone.

You really need to put your foot down with this bloke.....I certainly wouldn't rush into marrying him unless he changes his shitty attitude.

Shirls2 · 28/04/2023 09:41

Massive red flag OP. I’d be reading this as some kind of way of fate trying to tell me - without any subtlety! - this man is not right for me and I should not marry him. (And I usually roll my eyes at posters who say to simply leave someone.)

Tabby87 · 28/04/2023 09:43

shattered25 · 28/04/2023 03:19

My partner wants his best friend to be best man obviously.

But he hates me, I've never met him but my partner chats to him and I've overheard him slagging me off constantly. From the moment my partner met me he's automatically saying awful things about me without even knowing me.

My partner must have disclosed my trauma to him at one point (I have PTSD) and he was taking the piss out of it, telling my partner I should just get over it by now and he should leave me and ignore me when I struggle with it :( (it was a serious sexual trauma with police involvement)

I'm dreading the speech what would you do?

Do you want to marry a man who is ok with someone saying this about you?

fruitbrewhaha · 28/04/2023 09:43

shattered25 · 28/04/2023 09:20

I'm calling it off, I don't think a wedding should cause so much drama already. I just wanted to marry the man I love and become a family. But if so much stress and confusion is blown up before marriage I feel I'm just blinded by the dream of a family :( I don't think I'll delay it, just accept no marriage. I don't see how waiting a year or two would change anything in regards to these issues. Perhaps it's all a delay tack tick anyway, his way of getting out of it by forcing my hand :(

Have you got someone to support you op?

Treacletoots · 28/04/2023 09:44

Your fiance is a dick and his best friend's probably fancies him. I've been here personally.

Neither scenario end well.

Hoppinggreen · 28/04/2023 09:44

Namethischange · 28/04/2023 08:10

You're way over the top here.

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Just a tad 😁