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Original poster

Best man hates me, help?

146 replies

shattered25 · 28/04/2023 03:19

My partner wants his best friend to be best man obviously.

But he hates me, I've never met him but my partner chats to him and I've overheard him slagging me off constantly. From the moment my partner met me he's automatically saying awful things about me without even knowing me.

My partner must have disclosed my trauma to him at one point (I have PTSD) and he was taking the piss out of it, telling my partner I should just get over it by now and he should leave me and ignore me when I struggle with it :( (it was a serious sexual trauma with police involvement)

I'm dreading the speech what would you do?

OP posts:
GoodnightJude1 · 28/04/2023 06:07

I’ll tell you what you do…..

You don’t marry a man who sits back and listens to ANYONE slag you off.

OhwhyOY · 28/04/2023 06:13

I agree with everyone else here, I'd be thinking about whether a man that would share your personal information and let a friend make rude comments about you is someone you want to marry. If you still feel you do then I think you need to sit him down and have serious words with him about his friend and how what he's been saying has been making you feel. Tell him his job as a husband is to stand up for and protect you. That means he shouldn't be sharing your personal information in future and that he should definitely be calling his friend out on disrespectful comments.

Original poster
shattered25 · 28/04/2023 06:15

Thank you, we have been together a while and have a child, the friend lives quite far a way now so all contact has been virtual. I overheard when he was on a call. He did put him in his place, and says it is "banter?" They do argue a lot so not sure if I get dragged into wind him up. He feels duty bound to him I guess as previous they were very close during hard times in each other's lives.

I just wasn't sure if I was being OTT in not wanting anything to do with his friend. As for him repeating my private things to others, he's an oversharer with no filter so doesn't realise when he crosses the line 😭

Thank you for responses

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 28/04/2023 06:20

Why on earth would a man who is supposed to love you let someone else chat shit about you? And even want him as a best man when he’s been so disrespectful?

Purplehyena · 28/04/2023 06:20

My (now) husband had a friend like this, just didn’t like me. They’d been best friends since they were two. I think it stems from jealously, he’s a committed bachelor and wasn’t happy at his friend settling down, not being up for partying every night and travelling the world together any more.
My husband didn’t take it, pulled him up on his behaviour everytime and when it came to the wedding went with someone else who is actually supportive if the relationship.
My husband and the ‘best friend’ now only speak a couple of times a year, sad that it ended like that but how it needed to be.

Original poster
shattered25 · 28/04/2023 06:26

Purplehyena · 28/04/2023 06:20

My (now) husband had a friend like this, just didn’t like me. They’d been best friends since they were two. I think it stems from jealously, he’s a committed bachelor and wasn’t happy at his friend settling down, not being up for partying every night and travelling the world together any more.
My husband didn’t take it, pulled him up on his behaviour everytime and when it came to the wedding went with someone else who is actually supportive if the relationship.
My husband and the ‘best friend’ now only speak a couple of times a year, sad that it ended like that but how it needed to be.

Did you still allow him to wedding? It sounds similar. But I'm not sure or the moral stance on banning or letting them in

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 28/04/2023 06:32

I'd be sure.

I wouldn't have anyone at my wedding who cruelly mocked me. I wouldn't ask them to a car boot sale never mind my wedding.

I would genuinely call the wedding off if the person I was going to marry thought it was OK to have him at the wedding. I don't say that lightly.

How can you be at your wedding day, marrying the father of your child in front of your family and friends and standing next to your future husband is someone who has joked with him about your PTSD?

You can't, it would make a mockery of the situation.

Flowers
Scousefab · 28/04/2023 06:39

To be honest some people have behavioural issues and his friend could be like that. I would suggest trying to get this friend round so you can meet him face to face as you only have the perception of what you heard over the phone. Some oeople have a rubbish sense of humour and mock people. Not excusing trashing someone but let’s put it this way if he meets you and treats you like rubbish and is impolite! There you go perfect excuse for not including him in wedding. Boyfriend will see you tried and maybe change the best man for someone more appropriate.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/04/2023 06:43

I wouldn't even dream of marrying a man who had a friend like that never mind one who was going to be best man.

This man only knows what your partner has told him. He tolerates him abusing you and making fun of you in the worst possible way.

Your boyfriend does not have your back. This friend will always be a problem in the marriage. One day your relationship will end your partner will still be friends with this complete and utter misogynistic prick.

WonderingWanda · 28/04/2023 06:45

This doesn't sound right at all. Firstly how can someone who's never met you have all these negative opinions on you? Your partner clearly isn't giving off a clear message that you are the most amazing woman in the world to him and that would concern me a lot. Why hasn't your partner introduced you both? That is worrying to me as well. A best man is integral to the day and should be someone who know's the bride, no wonder you feel upset. How does your partner treat you? Any other red flags?

Bananalanacake · 28/04/2023 06:46

How has he decided he hates you when he's never met you. Is it too late to have a registry office wedding with 2 witnesses and don't invite the nasty twat.

WordtoYoMumma · 28/04/2023 06:51

Do not marry him!!!

icelollycraving · 28/04/2023 06:54

He’s an over sharer with no filter? Sounds like a shit tbh.
He has no respect for your privacy. I’d find it unforgivable to share my private experience and allow this knob to mock it. He’s just as bad as the friend.

ArseMenagerie · 28/04/2023 06:57

Weddings are to celebrate your union: he doesn’t so he’s not invited. That’s not an unfair or unreasonable stance. The best friend can go to the stag do for example as that is just your DH decision but the wedding is about the two of you and your relationship. It’s not about veto or preventing your DH having guests but the MINIMUM requirement for a wedding guest is that they support the marriage!

kingtamponthefurred · 28/04/2023 06:58

You can tell a lot about people by their friends. It says nothing good about your fiancé that he even tolerates this person. Does he not have other friends?

YouJustDoYou · 28/04/2023 07:01

You have a husband problem, not a friend problem.

Time4achangeagain · 28/04/2023 07:01

I don’t know how I’d feel about him being at the wedding . Not thrilled but not sure if I’d ‘ban’ him as he’s obviously a complete tosser and in a sense his rudeness isn’t about you yourself at all, but what you represent to him. No way he’d be best man though. Can he come down for a visit soon so you can actually meet him? Much easier to take a stance once you’ve actually met

ACynicalDad · 28/04/2023 07:02

Has he been asked to be best man? Suggest either he isn’t or they are two and get this one to do rings and the other to speak. I’d also be tempted to arrange a weekend trip to him before this goes much further, but I’d know if it was appropriate.

Thoughtful2355 · 28/04/2023 07:05

Why on earth would he make a man that has been slagging off his fiance AND the mother of his child .. a best man ...

Im sorry but you have a partner problem more than anything. Id be having a conversation about the fact your not sure someone who HATES you should even be at the wedding in the first place let alone as a best man.

Thoughtful2355 · 28/04/2023 07:07

ALSO i would want to at least meet him in real life once before the wedding, no way id have someone i dont know at my wedding.

Truthfully Id be hoping all through the wedding that he " ruins the wedding" Some how so id have a perfect excuse to get mad and have it out about the twat :D

gelatogina · 28/04/2023 07:08

Urgh why would you marry someone like this, though I see you’ve already had a child with him…its so sad that he doesn’t support you and stand up to his friend.

’no filter’ that’s just a bullshit term for someone who doesn’t respect you enough to keep his mouth shut. He needs to step up.

Timeforchangeithink · 28/04/2023 07:16

Whoa - there's oversharing and there's a whole other level which involves sexual assault and PTSD. Like everyone else why do you accept this - you are worth so much more.

Indoorcatmum · 28/04/2023 07:17

Do not marry this man.

Do NOT marry this man.

He should be PROTECTING you, ESPECIALLY in regards to trauma... Instead, he is not only friends with but perpetuating someone who speaks badly about something you have no control over.

He WILL make your life miserable and he WILL turn other people against you in order to look like a victim.

Original poster
shattered25 · 28/04/2023 07:19

I've showed him the thread and responses. He says his friend has behaviour issues and is disabled with a few conditions including ADHD (no idea what ADHD entails in behaviour) he says after he put him in his place he hasn't said anything since. He wants me to meet him face to face as he says I would see a different side to him as he always gets carried away with shitty humour in bad taste. But he won't have him as best man.

OP posts:
UnsureSchool32 · 28/04/2023 07:22

He won’t have him as best man? That’s good news OP. I think your DH also needs to have a think about who he speaks with about certain things. It’s very unfair to put you in that position.